The fabulous Bassey Ikpi, ladies and gents...

This, is my twitter buddy @bassyworld - Bassey Ikpi, in action in South Africa. Her talent & strength in broaching subjects often swept away, (especially by poc) is honest,  visceral, inspired poetry.

Words that heal, & words that break your heart w/ naked truth. thanks for sharing them lady. (she's also hysterical w/ the tweets I might add.)

my not very helpful hair and skin blog..

here's why i'm loathe to do a real blog re hair, or how to stay looking whatever...

i have no clue. no really... not a clue.  besides decent dna. (shaky on the teeth dentin thing though)

yup.. it's that simple and unenlightening. i don't drink nearly enough water... i washed my face with ivory soap for most of my life...never had a facial... i don't always eat right.. (that's another blog)

i've played around w/ expensive cleansers etc only to find, anything simple, like phisoderm even keeps my skin looking fine.

after my dad passed,(while working on H&H) i went on a junk food tear, (he always called me fat, so y'know i ate the death feelings down) was totally over weight, and did get cystic acne. I cut out the crap, lost weight, embeded zits went away. surfacey teenage white heads still come and go.

the trade off to youngish skin i find is, i sweat like a crazy person, for no reason. could be hiking, or just nervous and i'm um, glowing. maybe that helps flush out toxins... i dunno... my mother looks exceptionally young... tho I inherited her early graying of the hair.

which brings us to hair.. I'm no guru! just a  chick who happens to have some naturally curly hair. it's not relaxed. or permed, just wash and go, but since i dye the heck out of my hair, ( mainly because my dark natural color looks dense & blocky on camera, & to cover grey streak i inherited at 16.)

makes my hair fragile like a newborn kitten, like, it could split ends if you stare too hard.

when you see publicity or movie stills... the makeup and hair is done by professionals, cause i'm an actress and stuff....the candid pictures posted are much more true to life... i don't walk around w/ perfect curls, lit properly... i bloody wish. and in the NOH8 picture where my shoulder length hair is 3 ft long... um, hi, clip in fun hair. i don't wear for life, but i like creating illusions, it's my job. i knew fun hair would make a more striking pic for a great cause. them i unclipped it, back to the same old bob i've had since 20!

what works for my fine curls, may not work for you. my hair changed textures when i moved from humid NYC to dry CA, had to adapt...my fine hair liked humidity, where as if yours is thick, different boat.

if i want that shirley temple look that i'm too old for, but old people love on me.. i twirl curls round my finger in natural direction while damp and there you have it.

i do recommend and am paid by none-

1. olive oil... i keep some in the shower, once a week-ish leave it in for a few hours or hair, shampoo out. not a bad body moisturizer either.

2. if you're in the money- i LOVE Kerastase. too f'ing expensive though, be warned.

3. Aubrey-organics GPB conditioner. i've use it forever, their web-site is full of comments from curly hair women singing praises. i find some of products too heavy..  gpb stands for glycogen protein balancer- in english, help moisturize when needed, fills in protein when needed. google them. oddly enough, they don't target black or jewish curl girls.. you can find in heath food stores. i love their primrose tanglo gro  for a spray during the day. oddly the spray for curly hair they have jus made my curls greasy & limp.

4. pure shea butter... once again i have to wash out, some of your hair make absorb it.

5.finesse made my scalp burn and hair fall out. allergic reaction, sure. but it sucked!

6. mixed chick hair products are pretty good too.

7. a good leave in conditioner, i even leave gpb in... and a good gel helps define!
8. sometimes i wet hair in showers or just in the sink with hands, run conditioner thru it, and leave in, but shampoo rarely as it's sooooo dry here.

most important remember, curls are delicate, all are different. accepting what you have and working with it is the best advice.  many occasion my hair feels like brillo fyi... which usually in LA means more moisture... x true

Where the wild things are movie review and dear diary update...

 my vey mini movie review-

 'Where The Wild Things Are' movie is very well done... delves beyond picture book images into the struggles of growing up, loneliness, admitting to, and taking responsibility for ones own actions...(y'know, stuff we big kids still struggle with...or this big kid still ponders...)
i loved the creatures realistic voices surprisingly sedate, thus letting you see the arch types clearly despite or because of muppets. i also appreciated its nebulous time setting, snow fort building is 'play', not video games and the few scenes that take place at 'home' effectively portray an alienated latch key kid struggling to fit in to his life.


Dear diary,

today i cut my nails w/ scissors, used clear lip gloss as lotion on an ashy spot at an audition, received a poetic streamy consciousnessy email from an old friend that made me smile and giggle out loud. traveled by tardis because sometimes i'd like to be there as opposed to here...need to see The Doctor. Oh, and I'm wishing dental visits had been higher on my folks list of priorities. just saying, oh so soft teeth o' mine.


PS- i have seen many many movies lately but have not made inane flip movies for you. You're welcome.

because baby elephant toes in Zimbabwe still make me smize ; )

somewhere in the middle again....

@rebeccawalker RT @jendeaderick Great illustr. of appeal/trap of trad role: remaining little girl, safe from ugliness, never in control. #madmen

I'm somewhere in the middle... have a younger-ish energy, according to people who meet me...the desire but not quite fully realized ability to rock a suit like a grown up, and yet, I'm grown, oh so very grown... and my safety is in the now, not the past or a childhood dreamtime of living amoungst faerie folks or characters in books to escape the then...

check out the Carrie Fisher repost below...as an actor, but also as a woman i relate .... when someone comments 'you look tired'.. or what they want/expect from me..... i think.. when did i make anyone a promise to stay frozen in time at 25...and who asked you anyways stranger what you desire from/of me?

me and my no botoxing etc ass are quite comfortable with ourselves,how we look, what we do.... ayup, pulled out the royal 'we'. True

reblogged from http://carriefisher.com/?p=462

Weight AND Wisdom! By Carrie • Sep 6th, 2009 • Category: News

I thought that I’d forgotten one of the things I was thinking of writing about, but now I remember………at least I think I do…… One thing is that I foolishly Googled myself last nite—–because the Enquirer has been trying to get me to confirm some asinine thing I said as a bad joke AGES ago, & I wanted to see if had shown up somewhere—- which it hadn’t—– until now, when I stupidly call attention to this non event here——- ANYWAY—–in the process of searching, I found that someone had posted that I USED to be hot, but that now I looked like Elton John. As much as I attempted to place myself above the reach of this observation……
I must admit that…..yup……. This ended up hurting my feelings—–all 7 of them.
You see, I was hot when most people are hot—- in my fucking 20’s & part of my 30’s……THEN, in an effort to imitate humans, I had a child &, to further maintain my life like disguise, I took medications for about 9 thousand years, &, despite all my efforts, I continued to get older & older——inadvertently, I assure you———-I tried to arrest my development physically as WELL as emotionally, but unfortunately without as much success. I also must confess that I ate food. I’m sorry….. I realize that I promised never to eat anything but lettuce & sun flower seeds, but tragically, I was unable to keep my promise.
Yes, I realize…..I KNOW that I vowed to exercise for 3 hours a day—-aerobics, pilates AND yoga, but alas, I admit with a large quota of shame, that I failed to fulfill this other important commitment.
NO, I shouldn’t look as if 30 years have passed. I understand completely if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me for looking like 3 decades have passed…….Of COURSE you should mock & belittle me for being so large!! What else could you POSSIBLY do?????!?  I’ve let you down by treating my body as though it were just some giant sad sack that I use to haul my personality around. You have every right to compare me to Yoda or Elton or Kirstie…….I’ve brought it on myself.
But here’s this thing that I found myself wondering………what the fuck do YOU look like??!
I know i don’t really have the right to ask……I’m a public figure——Ive made an unspoken contract to keep that figure slim…….but still, I find myself wondering…….See, I think the folks that insult & mock celebrities who DARE to pack on ten pounds or—–God forbid——MORE than ten!…..I would think it only fair that they post a photo of themselves along with their poisonous observations!  And you know what else would be SUPER cool??? Their IQ! ALL the numbers! An approximate count of Weight AND wisdom!
And as a teeny aside—–my show on Broadway is not about my appearance. Oh sure, I’m killing myself trying to lose weight before I open so I won’t offend any theater goers eyes while attempting to entertain them via their ears…… But just in case I don’t achieve my goal of keeping my promise to look 25 & instead manage to remind you of bulbous slugs or gay, iconic musicians……..
I’d like to take this opportunity to offer this quasi poignant explanation & to say to those of you I’ve visually offended…… from the bottom of my heart encased in fat——-
BLOW MY BIG BOVINE tiny dancer COCK!
We now return to our regular programing……
XxOoCf

Tagged as: Add new tag, Broadway, Elton John, Kirstie Alley, weight loss, wisdom, Wishful Drinking

oh yeah, more driving w/ Rachel.

Click To Play

that honesty twitter thingie bot

people can post their thoughts fairly anonymously....it's called the entire internet.

that cloak of safety isn't enough anymore for some... i knew on FB there was an honestly box.. because there'd be these things like "do you wanna know if anonymous thinks you're a good kisser" ... and i'd be like 'no, um, i don't...not really.'

recently on twitter i got a few posts from an anonymous bot... "someone thinks you're xyz" w/ xyz being a not so nice opinion about me.

thoughts-

scenrio A- if it's someone i actually know they'd feel comfortable expressing it to me in front of me, yup... even the hard stuff... it's what we do.

scenario B- a strangers who have desire to connect.. hiding behind their own avatar, isn't enough safety anymore.... they 'want' more....including one more layer of protection for themselves. i picture a bunch of really unhappy folks to be honest.... wanting more and more and more, trying to grab a piece.... of something they can't touch... and it threatens them... why would anyone want to suck another's energy?

I'd encourage one to worry less about me, and to focus on yourself and to finding own light... everyone has one...right? you'll find it so much more empowering than focusing on people you don't know.

I also receive a great amount of incredibly funny insightful intelligent fb comments, tweets, expanding on themes brought up,  i appreciate they don't try to analyze me... thank you ever so much for that.... it's all just puzzles and word games anyway....xx true

the right wrong-part of article from huffington post by Sasha Cagen

i'm posting this because while it seems to focus on negative, i think it more just states a reality. no need to lower expectations, but realize... everyone including ourselves comes w/ stuff... can you deal w/ someones stuff... and help them, and vice versa... i like thinking of relationships as partnerships... because you do wanna gaze lovingly at your dude and think 'wow, a human w/ foibles, but i wanna/gotta have me some of this yum yum. their issues may rub you the wrong way, or inspire you to see the gift of reflection in what's bugging you... hopefully the latter.


'-Andrew Boyd wrote book called Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe. One of the daily afflictions is “Loving the Wrong Person.”

Andrew writes, “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. . . it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that you’re ready to fine a life-long mate. Only then do you finally know what you are looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you can gaze lovingly upon, and think, ‘This is the problem I want to have.’'

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sasha-cagen/radically-honest-online-d_b_289577.html

tripping the super funkadelic light fantastic way to end of universe instead of tripping down hole in front of me. ayup.

or shit- Mercury is like sooooo in retrograde.

it's a choice right?.... whether you fall into the abyss from fea or sadness, or steer the course of your life, starting with your mind, in another direction... get in your own tardis, of which you are your own time lord, circumvent, navigate the stars...

it's been one of those times when i have to admit Mercury in retrograde is kicking my ass... i've really been feeling it.....and my electronics, which i've lways had a convoluted relationship with, are indeed breaking down more. All communications have been tricky.... a misplaced word taken out of context... even thinking too loudly can be heard...

i wished to be invisible for a moment..mostly cause i saw this abc  prime time special about hitting kids, and the effects it has... reminded me i'd pretend as a kid (and older) i didn't exist so i wouldn't call attention to myself, but also so Iwouldn't have to pay attention to myself.... That behaviour may have been a tool to survive then, but dimming shine now only leads straight to staring in to the abyss, and me blinking first, which is not so much my style.

the business i'm in is about singing out, in showing off, showing in, shining. shining on cue as a matter of fact.

personally i love my shine, i loved it as a kid.... even got some of that steven king kinda shine, but that's another blog.... both kinds have helped me chart my path many time..

.

there will be an answer... let it be... as the Beatles and a friend reminded me. Still sorting the questions i think....
 PS-i really hate that RWR died almost a year ago now. i so get the soul moves on.. and his energy /soul is fine. i'm whining, yes i'll admit it... whining for me, our mom, his bride.. all of it, i still think it's freaky that was the 1st funeral i ever attended.  ahh...there will be an answer, let it be.

cards, ripe with hidden meanngs..

 
 readings like this simply remind you if you're open, and feeling it... anything can happen... DEPENDING on your choices... the bends in the road can be so tempting!

ah, but i also got the tower  and wheel of fortune...... that means there may be a foundation rocking change, good or bad, the wheel spins, and where it stops nobody knows, these cards came before the others... so i'd assume it means, eyes open to what the wheel of life proffers...just options and thing s to mull over...t hat's really why i like cards.. no easy answers, just things to meditate on, like even if you know nothing about cards... it's about what the images trigger for you depending on your situation... oh i do so love a good puzzle!

message from one of my fav ex's received today....

many moons ago in Holland w/ a poet

"when will you seek out the poet? Piers plays at Hotel café LA on the 23rd just so you know darling.
how are you? great to be in touch with the beauty India from hollywood, lets do a catch up some time. am in paris - been and done lots you know.... big sloppy kisses and strong hugs to you my girl, Dom."

i still have such affinity for this serious minded brooding writer and poet...we met in college.. NY dimly lit memories.... He's always been a man about town, so the 'sloppy kisses' part, one takes with many grains of salt, as it's undoubtedly the way he signs all emails... but who doesn't dig/need/appreciate strong hugs and love from old friends in far away lands... we still circle back to each other with ease and interest in who we've evolved into... so there, men and women can be friends.

You must must check out Piers Faccini, his totally talented singer/songwriter brother, on itunes, especially KCRW fans! and if in L.A. check out his show at Hotel Cafe on 23rd in Hollywood. Ahhh, those Faccini bothers.. such a talented a lot.

in the forgetting/remembering room...

All sorts of lovely magic up in here, i've read tarot cards for a long time, before the craft, which is why when that script came around i fought for that part, and willed it to happen... you say pray.. i say will.. it's just semantics, really.
Anyway people say i'm pretty good at it... i like them less for 'fortune telling, or future telling' and more for a reflection of where you are now, what's lingering, good or bad... and maybe some options... 

it's kind of like a shrink in a box really...  you'd be amazed at how the same cards come up over and over if you are dwelling on one particular thing or stuck in a pattern. the archtypes on the cards show you... are the same ones say, Joseph Campbell, breaks down in his books.... nothing devily here, it's simply you taping in to your own intuition.. or tapping into 'gods plan' if that's a more palatable way to phrase it...
  
once at a deli, i heard this voice inside say.. take the other sandwich, not the first one. i heard it, but still took the first. When i got home, there was a big juicy bug in it. and all i could do is giggle and say.. ok, next time i listen you lil' voice.
have you ever heard that little whisper so slight you might miss it, saying turn here instead of there... and you miss the accident you witness in rear view mirror... just intuition.


Be it friend, lover, repair man choice, pet, etc.. i go off energy... and sometimes get fooled, but usually later i remember the whispery truth i'd blatently ignored, because i let desire/want, rather than what i needed, take over. 
oy self control... can't get that out the cards... but they can remind me when i need to take back the reigns, start carving path i want, instead of wandering the Elysian fields aimlessly.

one o' my fav tweets

from the amazing @dreamhampton....

dreamhampton@racheltrue the wide winged witches we are!

 i love this, and retweeted it to day to remind me that the power is always within ones self.... sometimes i am human and forget. 
 

paraphrase of a non date or my folly sans ice.

"you're taking this like a girl" he said.
"i am a girl" i say.
I crack a joke. to break the tension - "how many times a week do you say that to the ladies" as dude from out of town puts on his watch and gathers up his belongings....

"don't be mean" he said.

"huh?" i say...

"you just implied I'm a man whore". he's annoyed.

oops, me and my scorpio mouth, i guess. or was that his defensiveness matching my own?

hadn't been my intent, joke was clearly on/about me, and my folly of thinking... thinking  fun innocent making out all afternoon with someone neat meant you go to dinner together afterward. i mean we'd done dinner before.... 

never assume.

 "i can't... i can't be this intimate (emotionally, now)" he says truthfully.
 "well", i stutter "you don't like the phone and I don't think we're gonna get too intimate, via emails/texts..."

he shrugs that this is true. he's already gone away mentally, just flesh standing before me now.

Because I ♥ awesome me, (that's how i roll), I know with some patience i'll prob get all I desire, romantically. (not from this chap necessarily)
"I... want intimacy, so don't be surprised if i have to disappear then." i say.

another shrug of... agreement.

 a slight sadness now... i didn't want to fade away from he who is already gone....but  ambivalence from men is never a great sign, or empowering... and um, he's already gone....

"women see intimacy as talking, men see sex as a way to be intimate... not that i expected you to sleep w/ me today". he'd said earlier.

i believe that actually. Some men/women do see intimacy as what you share after sex..

Maybe we'd gravitated towards the other, because we were, after all, a safe flirt. he lives away- safe. i'm not an easy girl- safe. i'd wanted to get to know him more.... I guess i did sans words in the weird goodbye at the door, no look back from either party.
He's quite lovely actually, ....even with evident relief, indifference dotting his aura.

The upswing of this all is.... if someone doesn't fit you or dig you,that's O.K., it's about what you want after all. I want to be thought of as lovely, because i am. I'm also an American girl raised on promises and fairy tales, so maybe dude and i will fit at some point, or y'know, not. either way is cool.. because life's just like that.
Having a reaction to a man emotionally shutting down while you watch... doesn't make me a "girl", means i'm not numb. or dumb. I'm present, and i'll look/wait patiently for the smart, funny one not put off by, or scared off by me.

each encounter, albeit brief or way too long, has it's merits and leads to the dude that doesn't walk away sans vittles. the one who isn't so quick to put his watch on.

more German....

Survival phrases 5

1. Du bist süß. = You’re cute.

2. Du bist hübsch. = You’re pretty.

3. Du bist schön. = You’re beautiful.

4. Du bist heiß. = You’re hot.

5. Du bist sexy. = You’re sexy.

I ♥ their blog. true 

 reblogged from GermanHeit
@germanheit on twitter

ps.... cause i can't sleep and all...

 i kinda heart this picture near craft service from a movie i was in.... um, i don't remember my characters' name actually... so i'll call her the chick from a movie i did w/  taye digs....  was called mary janes last dance, then came out under 'new best friend'.. it's a silly movie in the end, and the middle... but was one of those neat actor eperiences, you're on location for 2 months, away from all distractions of home... getting paid to play in front of a camera.

we shot in N.C, and  before filming started, i wandered round town, into a clothing store, where rather promptly, i was asked would you like to be in the 'ethnic' fashion night this week.. um, 'no' i mutter... putting back the blouse i'd been holding so i can pull out my 'i'm black but i'm totally here shooting a movie' card. 

then I end up in a store full of good old  rebel south & Natzi memrobilia, always  touching combo btw... i get out alive and forge forth to one more store.... a NY retired jew running a card shop, so lovely, welcoming and safer.. because for a moment i'd felt unsafe, by myself, weird feeling, i don't often  feel.

anyway, back to why i like this pic... i was playing college.... and y'know i wasn't at all in college... 

my buddy Dom Swain on movie was 18, a hooot, & i spent many a day in the arcade w/ her acting silly, because the director had said on the 1st get together... 'look at my cast, nobody over 25" so y'know us actors, we are whatever you want us to be in a movie... definitely not in REAL LIFE tho fyi... 

this pic to me- captures me playing someone, whose playing someone else in a movie... carrying a secret in my eyes, and loving it.

a sideways glimpse

I made a 'dry' comment about having a job that allows me to disassociate and take risks... i'm reiterating the dry part because of a comment under that blog,(truth in advertising).... along the lines of 'oh that must be how you played a lesbian  in a movie or 2.. '

i don't actually disassociate. that would be mentally unhealthy. to live to breathe, to function as a full human, to act, you must be grounded in your body, it's the instrument in my particular job. that was a blog about actually remaining present in your body, and conquering fears when the stakes are high, like when you're testing for a movie w/ so and so, or standing next to a not tame lion.... thus the before and after shot. one is pure fear.... the next is someone settled in and confidant. well, confidanter. if i do say so myself.

i also did not 'disassociate' to play a bisexual or lesbian chicks in a few movies.. i like men personally, but sexuality is sexuality, full stop, so it was simply about taping into..... sexuality. (and the director made us practice kissing cause we were giggling too much). we shot it when we were grounded enough to play the scene.

Btw, that's why i love acting.... the chance to get in the mind of people different that me.

i love that people read and or comment, and i really appreciate that people relate to characters i've played.... but this isn't a blog about what you think I think, it's a place to relate your stuff, .....and if tweeting German or blogging curse words upsets you, maybe me blogs not for ye.
it is for me.... that much is True.

im Abschluss

Es war ein Scherz Sean Penn, und könnte sich als nützlich sollten Sie sich von einem asshole auf Berlin konfrontiert kommen.

and on other note.... 
Tennis' New All-American Sweetheart: Seventeen-year-old blond phenom Melanie Oudin has taken the U.S. Open by storm...

how much i would have love for either of the Williams sisters to have been described in such (minus the blonde) when they were teen phenoms... not to take away to all from Oudin. she's an exciting new addition to a sport i love.  i just wanna be described, for once, as all american too.

useful german phrases

10 ways to say "F*** off!" in German

germanheit:

1.) Verpiss dich!
2.) Verzieh dich!
3.) Mach die Fliege!
4.) Mach dich vom Acker!
5.) Zieh Leine!
6.) Hau ab!
7.) Schleich dich!
8.) Mach dich weg!
9.) Fahr zur Hölle!
10.) Scher dich zum Teufel!

Reblogged: germanheit

my friend Mapa & i tweet less in german, than a combo of german, mangled with english... if you want to know how to say hello, there are a million translators..

the thing about having a blog is i say what i want, cause it's me blog.. if offends you.. so be it, and let's agree to disagree, shall we?

Carpathian mountains anyone?

almost a full moon... it's super saturated with secrets this one.. Bet my long gone never known gypsy great grandmother would've gotten it to spill it's bounty in light whispery strings. Alas, i am not her...though her unknown-ness tingles my imagination...

What was she like... Was she clever, revered, reviled?... i've decided/ will pretend she was a grand feminesta of her time with castle/moat combo i covet so much. that's what i do with family I've  never met. or maybe it's just collective cosmic memory rearing up... but, when i have my castle, and it maybe in Scotland, cause they're cheaper there... after the central heating is installed... i'll say i told you so, but my friend said- no need, i'm confidant you'll get one... but yup, i digress.

My Dad ws any only child,  i only met his mother once, which turns out was enough...she was old and sad;  i wanted to buy/get her a dog so she had something to love & receive love from.  So very shriveled was she from its deprivation.  She declined the dog, in retrospect she might have made  coat out it, so alls well that ends well....
in dreams you can see the soul sans the frailties of this human personality, and these unknown woman with their eastern european lineage and resiliance fascinate me  (do they roll in their grave at  me, this bohemian brown girls, or look on w/ curiosity & delight?)

Must more eastern european countries on my travel list..

some places, like Greece, i've been twice or more others still my on my to get to list...

Machu Pichuu/ Peru
Egypt
Turkey
Hungary
and any/ all of Asia...

ramblings on rumi-nations

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi
ok... i love this one it, so open and trusting... trust is based off actions, not words...

I will admit to finding Hollywood, a small intricate fantasy filled city, a sabotagey community... sprinkled with roses i tend as precious as le petit prince did his one..

it's a city that can be an Oscar Wilde smiths 'we hate it when our friends become successful kinda place..' i imagine it's quite the same in any field actually..

i miss the straight forwardness of NYC, in your face there (as i recall), here they smile in your face, all the while....
And yet, i do love this city and call it home, it's physical beauty entwined with the heavy armor one needs for protection here... i'd put it down.. but it serves me well... at times.
i will now demonstrate my perception of LA by performing 'this town' from the 80's band the gogos.( you should now totally picture me singing & dancing to this offish key...)

This Town by The GO-GO's

'We all know the chosen toys

Of catty girls and pretty boys
make up that face
Jump in the race
Life's a kick in this town
Life's a kick in this town
CHORUS
This town is our town
It is so glamorous
Bet you'd live here if you could
And be one of us
Change the lines that were said before
We're all dreamers - we're all whores
Discarded stars
Like worn out cars
Litter the streets of this town
Litter the streets of this town

song still stands up for what LA can be, if you look the wrong way. i've very recently switched views; not only did it help crick in my neck, i appreciate the people i can sit/lie in silence with. no babble, no actress/business person, no anxiety, just pure trust. that's love. that's godhead as Gregg Araki would say back in the daaayyyy....

Rumi rumination

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent." - Rumi

The way you make love is the way God will love you -Rumi

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi



these have been running through my brain.. to be patient, in silence and have infinite faith.... oh, and to know that making love compared to having sex- is seeing god.

to learn to dance gracefully in the rain, with patience and love.... these resonate for my life path...
have you ever found yourself staring at the same old thing, trussed up in a spiffy new package? no matter how shiny, i like that these days that i spot it sooner... than later... so i try to quiet myself, feel the movements around me.... things change on a dime when you're open to your intuition.
less and less of the takers get through... almost like they don't exist.. there's a comfort in that.

'the way you make love..' -is it to fulfill the base desire, or is it about a cosmic connection... both are completely valid and human. i find sometimes the bigger the stakes.. heart, vulnerability.... the greater the sex. though nothing wrong w/ hedonism if that's you're bag.... just my preference.

to lie in silence, with a friend, ahhh heaven.

I've been really drawn to getting a tattoo lately.. what's that about?

vlog- film critic pals, bad movies and/or the average day in LA, sans glitz & sleep.

for those of you who were like- more you in vids...here's plenty o' me doing nothing... on not enough sleep. probably sorry you asked right about now huh? pretty good proof i'd bore the F outta you

i disagree... respectfully w/ thee Nietzsche.

"The lie is a condition of life." - Friedrich Nietzsche

maybe the above is a truism, when you really mull it, i mean sure, right?...
but i can't breathe under such restrictions...
for better or worse I've always spoke the truth... 'disconcerting little thing' to adults, i was as child, stripping the emperors clothes off without awareness... yet so sensitive was i to the truth, i must've known somewhere the effect words & a look can have.... even then.
now, i know when to hold my tongue, or to parse it with truthful gentle compassion..it's a more graceful way, clumsy girl/woman that i am.
the truth will always be the most seductiveturn on in the world for me... well, that and humour.. oh and a brilliant mind, and...

to do, or have done list.

lick Alec Mapa, have massage gift certificate, money from far and wide, and tarty pic of self at the ready. oh and somebody suggested dancing pantless in copious amounts of foam in foreign country. fair enough.
i made this a blog cause a real friend on the FB said and i quote "rachel: that is by far the weirdest post i have read yet. Bravo!"

secret this & health care.

I'm aware i know a very little teeny tiny bit about a lot...still love learning and listening, I'd give that the big ups to staying young at heart btw...
along those lines I wish people who'd watched 'The Secret', via endorsement from Oprah- would've done follow up reading and realized Secret was a truncated version of concepts culled from great writings, cleverly repackaged for Americans @ '97.

At some point you have to go deeper than saying to your buddies or self when the shit hits the fan, 'well, you must have attracted the negative to you'. that's only a part of the whole, and comes off patronizing. It's about 'what shall i do now', which path next to attain my dreams, not 'this is all fault' that's um, negative thinking right? not to mention, what happened to compassion for self or others in this equation?

Babies and virgins being raped to "cure" adults of hiv, ink stained fingers cut off for voting, arms hobbled for the western diamond market, kids in sex slave trade market,ARE NOT souls guilty of attracting that particular negative fate. geography seems to play a bigger part frankly.

so hopefully we all go deeper than - little bobby wants a bike, cuts out pictures of said bike, sulks long enough, finally gets bike from grandpa because he thought 'it '. we do give life with our thoughts, positive or negative... but in my world- lil bobby could of mowed some lawns and helped himself out, get some dosh, and gotten the bike a whole lot sooner, by helping himself. not just asking... but asking with intention and doing what you can to help the butterfly wing ripple up change.

so this made me ponder that:
I'm as confused as american re the health care mess/debates.. it's just weird to see poor people fighting it so hard. To 'hate' the President of only 8 months, who by all appearances is trying his hardest to work out the huge pile of crap, dumped in his lap by 8 yrs of bush, seemed misplaced anger. BTW hells yeah, i wrote of everything Bush allowed, now i can't...That's all right, it's now fairer to the average bear, in fact. wouldn't it be nice if it was less about I, more about WE, and we as a people coping with growing pains of adolescent America?... or, um, like shouldn't it be?

why all the twitter hate for Pres Obama? why are people who need health care in usa the most!? busy making posters of our Pres w/ a hitler moustache.... seems a waste of energy to me.

why is that so scary all these years after Hillarys attempt? is it the semantics of phrase socialized?
Even stupid people who pay their cable bill, buy a ps3 & video games first before taking themself to the doctor when sick because it cost too much, will benefit. and nobodies ganna kill your grandma or unborn babies under ANY plan. why the surge campaign of screwing self and others out for losing needed medical care?

insomnia, writing, coffee, bad spelling, life.

face of insomnia, grey streak i've had since sixteen, included.

Had the most intense two weeks of creative day and insomniac nights writings followed by silly bouts of tweeting... sometimes you go with what is... even as sleep calls, and the hours and days blend.
It was, for me, amazing to feel/see words unfold into another...
inspiration, instead of my own clumsy forced hand. not saying the words are perfect yet.. the action of creating was divine, and after a mid summer malaise, just the ticket out of the doldrums...
writing uber personal stories, created for yourself, but possibly for public consumption, is scary. that's why i've always appreciated a good singer/songwriter. not only do they write the words, they then perform them. acapella sometimes.
i remember losing muy respect points for a guy i'd dated when he told me he didn't care to do a singer in the round type thing ever, because he needed his (cover?!) band behind him to fully feel his sexuality. huh? (i digress, i feel you should just be your artist self... not be the image of what you think an artist is..)
creation is at it's most beautiful, raggged, bare and stripped of the pretty garnish we sweeten the soundtrack with.
ps. i really dislike brittany spears' voice, it's akin to a soprano sax to my ear. catchy pop, tho.

pps...i 'm in my over rewrite stage on a few things. i encourage you to finish any creative projects you've left half finished or never started.... and if you already do thid w/ aplomb, you get to feel superiour, and i am but a gopi in adrift, at sea.

now i am drained. like this bee... he looks like he's got that end of summer thing going on, don't ya think?

hubbang inub thubbre buubee

girl fight, not really.

Years ago when I lived in a super cute NYC sized apt, in a sweet lil' artist colony Venice courtyard building, I met one of my earlier LA friends.
I had a coveted 2nd floor apt, (there were only 3, to the buliding 12 units), was outside on terrace painting a table, and a small voice said, hi, i'm so and so, want me to help... and then we were just always friends...years past filled with new friends and snips and quips, laughter and disagreements, but mostly laughs, y'know the usual friend stuff.

while our friendship had drifted, we went to dinner a few days after I'd tested for the sitcom i'd eventually do. i'm kept mum about auditioning ..(as and actor to cope you just realize, fuck it, until i'm on the set holding the script w/ a year pick up, or this movie is a GO... none of this is real)i digress, such a lazy writer i am...

ok back on point. after that night, and major events, ie getting the job, a network pick up, starting, working, dad dying, general life.. despite trying to get in touch on my part for like y'now 6-9 months, i never ever heard from her again...

cut to like last fall-
a random text from her (after 7 yrs)... sorry your brother died. (fair enough, me too.)
i sent one back... thanks.
followed a few months later by an email invite to a holiday party. (weird, what's in it for me?)
so like a big girl whose been through therapy:
i sent her an email saying- i really loved our friendship, I'm as shocked as anyone we're no longer friends, buti don't feel comfortable going to party. Acknowledged she had every right to not need/want my friendship way back when for valid reasons, behaviours i had, and have thankfully have grown out of.
her email- "can we just be friends now.... i just thought you wanted a new life and friends"

OK- that's when the bullshit meter when up, hold up lady, me reaching out in the void isn't act of someone desperate to moving on to a new life and friends.
i don't change when i get work. Even work on a great comedy proving groud of a money pile sitcom gig, I'm practical gal. that is the life of the artist, the ups and downs... (-although my friends did have to tell me to talk in door voice, and every sentence doesn't need a button.) (shame spiral)
it's like just say YOU wanted a different life w/o me in it.. that's fair enough and the truth. i'd buy and forgive that for a dollar.

i write back with an email signed 'your would be friend'... 'i just needed a small convo re past... and i have acknowledge my foibles to you... just need to know why you split just when things got good for me, and resurface when you perceive things to be....?'

I never heard back from her.
that's an OK thing, it shows me who my tribe is. Deart god, it's me margret- why do girl friendships have it this rough? xx True
2 sides to every story btw, to be sure.

ok-i have no stake in this at all-

(CNN) -- Jennifer Aniston appears resigned to the single life, if an interview in Elle magazine is any indication. Jennifer Aniston poked fun at her love life at an awards event this year.

"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it," Aniston said in the September issue, according to a excerpts released by the magazine.

"I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room," she said of her rocky post-divorce love life. "It's fine. I can take it."

I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I'm doing and my life off-screen," It started with 'The Good Girl,' then of course 'Rumor Has It,' followed by 'Derailed.' Then there was 'The Break Up.' If any of you have a project entitled 'Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,' I'm at table 6!" she said. "I can make fun of myself, and I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."

A. no actor of her fame just 'happens' into victimey roles, after being cast as 'victim' by press. A stars team makes very calculated moves. From 'the break up' to 'he's just not that into you' these roles were chosen to craft or embellish an image... just as Angie's team does for her... thus the powerful 'action' woman roles she takes. Even if it's a silly movie, she holding a gun, because that's her 'image'. Jen, by contrast has been been holding a box of tissues, thus reinforcing her image as the wounded.

So the reason this pushes my buttons has NOTHING to do w/ her as a person at all.
i mean really nothing.... i have total sympathy for her losing a love. but i know.... You move on, right?

It brings out/reminds me of my own whiny inner child that still cryies victim...- 'hey look at me, i went through this...'. not really a warriors stance.

i've worked spiritually a lot on not being/playing a victim (unless i'm acting and getting paid)I had to, or I'd never have gotten an acting job in the 1st place, or any of the things i dream up for myself.
Now, what others think of me is their business... what i reflect for them has nothing to do w/ me, as what jen reflects to me, has nothing to do w/ her.

that said, I'm big on truth, or at least a clever spin. I find her quips banal, sculpted, and weirdly untrue. nobody, but nobody, not even pretty pretty Jen wants to be the poster girl for saddies.

blurbs from inner space

from www.tweetstats.com twitter cloud... funny to see all those random words thru line...
My top five tweeted words: think, know, love, people, good.

old pic's and new...t less scary than BW spiders?

ah youth and the poses we strike... struck... 'beautiful posers'... who said that rufus wainwright?
i am not this anymore...but there's something freeing about posing w/ abandon... why i like taking pic's of moments, be they people, objects or well.. insects..
a womans sexuality matures in a lovely way.. now it's fully clothes and a look is enough, but for posterity, nice to have... being an actress and all.
... the singer from hazy fantazy took them... (do you know 'shiny,shiny').... why am i still awake??? sometimes the night is my salvation.. tonight, eh? just a distraction form past thing surfacing...that happened around time of this shoot... i am a therapists dream, but i ee the patterns & to recognize and acknowledge is half the battle...xo true

this is more me now... not the glam dressed up me... just me, no team of stylists or primpers.... thinking- 'oh must fix the hole where the rains gets in, wish my central air worked, wonder why are spiders over taking my yard, why did i receive an email w/ a pic of a very old beau, i loved, then a phone call from a different boy i haven't seen in almost as long, should i get my tire pressure checked, does it need a smog, are my sprinklers still leaking?
also, how beautiful my sunflowers are, how i love my garden.... how many amazing people i've encountered, known, loved,how fortunate i am to be a able to take care of of me, i think you get picture. still kinda the glam life, and still me... after all these years, and that's w/ no make up...and a head full of riddles...
p.s. i call this pic- which way did they go?

love, then dinner for one...

smaller spider to the left in pic, i believe is the male widow. he's totally trying to get it on, despite chances of survival being VERY slim after said mating... oh men and their need to sire.... nature is so complex... even the nature right under our feet. maybe she eats him after mating, because as every newish mother i know has said- you might as well just do it yourself, for all the help your man gives you in the first six months..... that made me crack up. not so much the new mothers... and of course, i know wonderful new dads as well....

stuff the night is made of...

(turn music player off on side of page, before playing any video...simple solution)

maybe this explains the spider thing... because they're bloody everywhere. upstate NY ones were chunky round, harmless tho intimidating things, not dangerous just robust...
tho i must admit to being held hostage by water bug in a loo at age 7 during E 11th st NYC block party... out here in LA they call them palmettos bugs.. a giant flying hissing roach by any other name is still vile... and regular city roaches... crawling cross me while i tried to sleep, yuck- roaches will always remind me of my E. 10th street childhood...
my stepmother used to say seek and ye shall find, re bugs etc... it's not like she was wrong....but i wasn't seeking... i think they seek me...

spiders have always fascinated/repelled me... the 1st weavers of the world really, that's why i like shooting their pics.... so beautiful and fill of myth, but this lot is so very dangerous for friends kids who come and wanna play innagaddadavita.... don't wanna kil them but faced w/ infestation... so much nicer when we coexisted w/ nature more gracefully..... i hate killing things... my land is not a killing zone... or is it? sigh.
ps song is Bela Fleck 2 prt invention num 13.

haterade w/ a side of defamation of character, please.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "ohhh, this too too solid flesh...":

geese, this doesn't surprise me at all about you. Had to put a half naked picture up to get blog hits. Heard you was a freak anyway, can't keep a man, plus a severe weed head, and a chain smoker and you borrow hell of money from mad people for coke. What was it $700.00 in Mexico? Going around talking about other people when the people you think are your friends are talking shit about you. Not judging you, just letting you know. You are waaaaaayyyyy to old for the foolishness. Hollywood got you fucked up girl big time. Hope you can find somebody not jaded & turned out to help you get it together because your shit stinks.

sorry you feel that way anonymous...perhaps you should go into fiction writing w/ your imaginative prose.... 'chain smoking, coke/ weed head...' - ah, yes, clearly it's living that sort of life that's keep me working as an actor and looking just fine... your projections of/on me are silly.
... if YOU have drug problems, i urge you to get help for what seems to be a serious problem. i didn't allow your comment to be published under blog, felt this misguided behaviour needed to be addressed out in the open.....
if anything, evokes such a visceral reaction in you, it's your own head you should dig into... why does something push your buttons so.....
it's time to grow... i would urge anyone in a funky victemy space... to.... go long or go home.... delve into what's really going on w/ yourself, and you'll flourish...

so, in summation- if you don't like me, don't visit my blog or follow me on twitter/ fb. it's as simple as that. to the rest of you lovely people, thanks for your comments and for checking in...

flat iron this, beyotch.

to get to point A➜ ?, I've gone Q -W-H to get to B & continue to travel the unknown universe. sometimes w/ a flatiron. beyotch.

ok translation cause i get a lot of 'what you talking about? i have no idea, you are so random comments....
(back story) i put up a pic on twitter of myself w/ straight, and the consensus was curly by a mile.... almost became a don't abandon your naturalness, sister debate....

MY reality as an actor is to play characters...not myself. Hollywood deems straightened hair as more educated, a lawyer, wife etc...
Shirely Temple curls do not always have desired effect, & having the same do since i was 5... natural curls are not, can be (great, but) monotonous.

it's the chess moves we all have to make, to work w/in, w/o the systems and conventions of our chosen field, it's a delicate war balance to be an artist, who makes a living...while maintaining sanity....you also have to be a business person, so you may have to bend or sway.. but never break!

sometimes i needs me some alone time....

I'm good at picking up and putting scraps of things together...sometimes pieces of energy together... it can be draining...it's the best high you've ever known... yet, it can go either way...
this precious life force we've been gifted, always full of deligh, surprise and challenging but needed change...when this pic was taken, i knew something was afoot and not quite right in my life, so i curled up like the Cheshire cat, disappeared... and when the dust settled..the changes changed...i saw clearly again... and smiled a Cheshire cat smile... or a phoenix song....

then after that, I put on these shoes and kicked some ass- oh wait, i can't really walk in stilettos, curses foiled again! so i wore my jackson 5/geoge clinton boots instead. but i covet these glorious example of a foot tortured into position not correct for human anatomy w/ the ability to hurt back.. that's art to me.

the sounds of silence...

gotten plenty of messages re my perceived silence and M.J.-never assume, and try not to project.
- i have my own brother who passed less than a year ago to still process. i believe as sad as it is when a soul moves on it, its life force goes on... it is the people left behind who suffer....
i think M.J. and my own brother Roc Wolfgang Reeder are surfing silver waves of galaxy w/ a freedom they never had in their earthly personalities. i have addressed this in earlier blog btw...
and on that note-
"and the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls" and whispered in the sounds of silence...'-S&G

'say goodbye to hollywood', and my blog email..

Vegas wax tiger woods gives no love...

well no, actually say hello to hollywood is n=more apt, but that titles an old billy joel song that a sitar playing weirdo stepdad i had would play when i was a kid...

which reminds me of a night in NYC, I was on my way to newish boyfriends house party.... hadn't been to his flat before & had left apt # home... per usual... pre cell phones for masses.. any way.. i stood in a 5th ave upscale hallway (had remembered correct floor), like Alice in wonderland-

door A- sounded like a huge mass of people all singing w/ boston accents to that billy joel song 'well, we will all go down together, steel mill /war' song with an amazing amount of commitment and sadness....
i'm not gonna lie... it scared me... i was like wow, i really misjudged this dudes idea of what a fun new years party might entail

door B- blasting Nirvana w/ usualy party ruckous... guessed correct and rang in oh...92 i think...
glad bands like Mr big were fading, grunge was in swing, and billy joel had been left in my childhood long ago.

also, i've gotten rid the blogspot email. Put a comments bar down on very bottom of main blog page where you can comment on entire site, or ask any questions...and i can comment back. love it if you'd recommend there sites you like, or find edifying.... xx true

ps i really do think vegas attracts a low level vibration of person.... to quote s. king again-
'the ground is sour'.. i wish more Americans would really travel... abroad... and not accept 'the Paris' casino as a substitute for the real deal....

i will now think of the sunsets on Fira, Santorini, greece, and how nothing in Vegas can touch that image sealed in my soul...
btw-had 1 drink and spent a whooping 5 bucks in slots in 4 days... yes i do feel pretty smug about that, i'm convinved i shall not be back unless another friend is honoured... and then only maybe.
soooooooo glad to be home if only for moment.....x true

infinity in wax

so many things in the last few days... have rippled the vibration of the planet.... what's next?
well Vegas for me for one thing... i kind of not so secretly hate Las Vegas..en masse it attracts a certain type of base level human roach is best way i can describe my vibe on it... a friends being honored w/ a wax statue, so a) i know it'll be air conditioned and b) i abhor gambling... i'll waste money on clothes etc, least you get to upwrap it, let down or no... more often than not, gamblers look so sad to me...
snippet overheard last time in vegas 'so i was gonna kill mysef...

Naacp Event, the future, and semantics

Eric LaSalle, me, Duane Martin from recent Naacp event... totally neat.

i look like what i imagine a wax statue of me would...
not bad,just somehow not in THE or that moment... or maybe i was just freaking out inside knowing i was the auctioneer, i prefer 'donation mistress' btw, for the night.
hard but fun to ad lib jokes on your own and sell but not sell, 'donate time of' colored people, i mean people of color, i mean, opps, my semantics slip is showing again
⇓
see, secretly, would love to see them switch the c & p
becoming advancement (of) people of color
it's just semantics on my part, but somehow the latter seems more proggressive.
i really dig work they do, i guess just trying to think of little ways to show
a new generation, raised in America, that this organization was
started by both my people- blacks and jews in a church,
now church not as much my thing,tho rest assured i'm spiritual...
amazing we all haven't banded together more smoothly,
Baby steps.. gonna take Baby steps....
i said to that to my friend who was upset at Obama re gay issues
as well as
our country is a quilt made of blood
and sweat of those who stood before..
Baby steps..
people of all colors, across globe are in need.
the above statement is not endorsed by anyone but me, to be clear!