ok- i'm having one of those horrible weird gossipy childhood flashbacks i hadn't thought of in years... (this is door to pad we stayed at on holiday, think i put it up just to be a brat! spank me now. No not you...the karma monkey)short story (i'll try) during the regents exams at the all white school i attended (east coast college boards) i scored a perfect 100 on the english (as well as attaining to that point the highest SAT scores the school had ever seen- alas upstate ny... i'm smart but jeez... no wonder i begged my parents to send me to Simons Rock....)
ok so i see on FB today the girl who they lowered my score for... so she could get the ROTC scholarship that was linked w/ highest regents scores...my grade suddenly went from 100 to not 100... and i lost out on , well thank god not ROTC money, but other grants i needed..... boiling mad i was at the time.... and all these years later i felt..
cheated again? Angry? Sad? an old wound... shame spiral...
it's victimy to remain in a space of sorrow or shame for life, when so much good is all around.
i think the victim lurks in a lot of us... its' how we understand it and move w/ it ...i see it mirrored back, lessons everywhere. even in ROTC. because that poor girl, kinda knew, but that was her way out of a shitty little upstate NY town... and nobody expected me to put the locals to shame and that is why i got a telly show and movies, no really- because i knew if i didn't make it happen on my own and not crumble when i didn't get way i had a shot ps..... and more to the point, my hurt is not at ROTC or her, it'a about me feeling not taken care of by the establishment, but that's a great lesson for a mixed chick to learn young...
Now I feel a weird affection and appreciation for that memory... because it's those nicks and brusies and toughen us up, and prepare us for the world we live in...
but the beyotch better not friend me, s'all i'm saying, G.
Shit-
isn't the point to realize when you've projected feelings on to another human being, or event.. and lets face it was her cosmic path was to get that scholarship.... and have her dad be mayor... oopss, there i go again. stop me-
it's about releasing and shifting the hold the our minds use to protect us, it worked as kids , not so much as an adult....fell pain we felt... and release it. so it doesn't turn into disease....
i remember years ago saying, out frigging loud, like, a lot, 'i release you fear, i know you've served me, but i'm pretty sure some one somewhere needs this flight or flight sensation to actually stay alive... but it's not me... it' never really was, but you came in handy... so thanks and bye...' w/ respect though.
why do we focus on the negs, when the garden, occasionally grey, is alive with joy....
