Saturday, September 19

somewhere in the middle again....

@rebeccawalker RT @jendeaderick Great illustr. of appeal/trap of trad role: remaining little girl, safe from ugliness, never in control. #madmen

I'm somewhere in the middle... have a younger-ish energy, according to people who meet me...the desire but not quite fully realized ability to rock a suit like a grown up, and yet, I'm grown, oh so very grown... and my safety is in the now, not the past or a childhood dreamtime of living amoungst faerie folks or characters in books to escape the then...

check out the Carrie Fisher repost an actor, but also as a woman i relate .... when someone comments 'you look tired'.. or what they want/expect from me..... i think.. when did i make anyone a promise to stay frozen in time at 25...and who asked you anyways stranger what you desire from/of me?
me and my no botoxing etc ass are quite comfortable with ourselves,how we look, what we do.... ayup, pulled out the royal 'we'. True

reblogged from

Weight AND Wisdom! By Carrie • Sep 6th, 2009 • Category: News

I thought that I’d forgotten one of the things I was thinking of writing about, but now I remember………at least I think I do…… One thing is that I foolishly Googled myself last nite—–because the Enquirer has been trying to get me to confirm some asinine thing I said as a bad joke AGES ago, & I wanted to see if had shown up somewhere—- which it hadn’t—– until now, when I stupidly call attention to this non event here——- ANYWAY—–in the process of searching, I found that someone had posted that I USED to be hot, but that now I looked like Elton John. As much as I attempted to place myself above the reach of this observation……
I must admit that…..yup……. This ended up hurting my feelings—–all 7 of them.
You see, I was hot when most people are hot—- in my fucking 20’s & part of my 30’s……THEN, in an effort to imitate humans, I had a child &, to further maintain my life like disguise, I took medications for about 9 thousand years, &, despite all my efforts, I continued to get older & older——inadvertently, I assure you———-I tried to arrest my development physically as WELL as emotionally, but unfortunately without as much success. I also must confess that I ate food. I’m sorry….. I realize that I promised never to eat anything but lettuce & sun flower seeds, but tragically, I was unable to keep my promise.
Yes, I realize…..I KNOW that I vowed to exercise for 3 hours a day—-aerobics, pilates AND yoga, but alas, I admit with a large quota of shame, that I failed to fulfill this other important commitment.
NO, I shouldn’t look as if 30 years have passed. I understand completely if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me for looking like 3 decades have passed…….Of COURSE you should mock & belittle me for being so large!! What else could you POSSIBLY do?????!?  I’ve let you down by treating my body as though it were just some giant sad sack that I use to haul my personality around. You have every right to compare me to Yoda or Elton or Kirstie…….I’ve brought it on myself.
But here’s this thing that I found myself wondering………what the fuck do YOU look like??!
I know i don’t really have the right to ask……I’m a public figure——Ive made an unspoken contract to keep that figure slim…….but still, I find myself wondering…….See, I think the folks that insult & mock celebrities who DARE to pack on ten pounds or—–God forbid——MORE than ten!…..I would think it only fair that they post a photo of themselves along with their poisonous observations!  And you know what else would be SUPER cool??? Their IQ! ALL the numbers! An approximate count of Weight AND wisdom!
And as a teeny aside—–my show on Broadway is not about my appearance. Oh sure, I’m killing myself trying to lose weight before I open so I won’t offend any theater goers eyes while attempting to entertain them via their ears…… But just in case I don’t achieve my goal of keeping my promise to look 25 & instead manage to remind you of bulbous slugs or gay, iconic musicians……..
I’d like to take this opportunity to offer this quasi poignant explanation & to say to those of you I’ve visually offended…… from the bottom of my heart encased in fat——-
We now return to our regular programing……
Tagged as: , , , , , ,

Thursday, September 17

that honesty twitter thingie bot

people can post their thoughts fairly's called the entire internet.
that cloak of safety isn't enough anymore for some... i knew on FB there was an honestly box.. because there'd be these things like "do you wanna know if anonymous thinks you're a good kisser" ... and i'd be like 'no, um, i don't...not really.'
recently on twitter i got a few posts from an anonymous bot... "someone thinks you're xyz" w/ xyz being a not so nice opinion about me.
scenrio A- if it's someone i actually know they'd feel comfortable expressing it to me in front of me, yup... even the hard stuff... it's what we do.

scenario B- a strangers who have desire to connect.. hiding behind their own avatar, isn't enough safety anymore.... they 'want' more....including one more layer of protection for themselves. i picture a bunch of really unhappy folks to be honest.... wanting more and more and more, trying to grab a piece.... of something they can't touch... and it threatens them... why would anyone want to suck another's energy?

I'd encourage one to worry less about me, and to focus on yourself and to finding own light... everyone has one...right? you'll find it so much more empowering than focusing on people you don't know.

I also receive a great amount of incredibly funny insightful intelligent fb comments, tweets, expanding on themes brought up,  i appreciate they don't try to analyze me... thank you ever so much for that.... it's all just puzzles and word games anyway....xx true

the right wrong-part of article from huffington post by Sasha Cagen

i'm posting this because while it seems to focus on negative, i think it more just states a reality. no need to lower expectations, but realize... everyone including ourselves comes w/ stuff... can you deal w/ someones stuff... and help them, and vice versa... i like thinking of relationships as partnerships... because you do wanna gaze lovingly at your dude and think 'wow, a human w/ foibles, but i wanna/gotta have me some of this yum yum. their issues may rub you the wrong way, or inspire you to see the gift of reflection in what's bugging you... hopefully the latter.

'-Andrew Boyd wrote book called Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe. One of the daily afflictions is “Loving the Wrong Person.”
Andrew writes, “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. . . it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that you’re ready to fine a life-long mate. Only then do you finally know what you are looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you can gaze lovingly upon, and think, ‘This is the problem I want to have.’'

tripping the super funkadelic light fantastic way to end of universe instead of tripping down hole in front of me. ayup.

or shit- Mercury is like sooooo in retrograde.
it's a choice right?.... whether you fall into the abyss from fea or sadness, or steer the course of your life, starting with your mind, in another direction... get in your own tardis, of which you are your own time lord, circumvent, navigate the stars...
it's been one of those times when i have to admit Mercury in retrograde is kicking my ass... i've really been feeling it.....and my electronics, which i've lways had a convoluted relationship with, are indeed breaking down more. All communications have been tricky.... a misplaced word taken out of context... even thinking too loudly can be heard...
i wished to be invisible for a moment..mostly cause i saw this abc  prime time special about hitting kids, and the effects it has... reminded me i'd pretend as a kid (and older) i didn't exist so i wouldn't call attention to myself, but also so Iwouldn't have to pay attention to myself.... That behaviour may have been a tool to survive then, but dimming shine now only leads straight to staring in to the abyss, and me blinking first, which is not so much my style.
the business i'm in is about singing out, in showing off, showing in, shining. shining on cue as a matter of fact.
personally i love my shine, i loved it as a kid.... even got some of that steven king kinda shine, but that's another blog.... both kinds have helped me chart my path many time..
there will be an answer... let it be... as the Beatles and a friend reminded me. Still sorting the questions i think....
 PS-i really hate that RWR died almost a year ago now. i so get the soul moves on.. and his energy /soul is fine. i'm whining, yes i'll admit it... whining for me, our mom, his bride.. all of it, i still think it's freaky that was the 1st funeral i ever attended.  ahh...there will be an answer, let it be.

Tuesday, September 15

cards, ripe with hidden meanngs..

 readings like this simply remind you if you're open, and feeling it... anything can happen... DEPENDING on your choices... the bends in the road can be so tempting!

ah, but i also got the tower  and wheel of fortune...... that means there may be a foundation rocking change, good or bad, the wheel spins, and where it stops nobody knows, these cards came before the others... so i'd assume it means, eyes open to what the wheel of life proffers...just options and thing s to mull over...t hat's really why i like cards.. no easy answers, just things to meditate on, like even if you know nothing about cards... it's about what the images trigger for you depending on your situation... oh i do so love a good puzzle!

Sunday, September 13

message from one of my fav ex's received today....

many moons ago in Holland w/ a poet

"when will you seek out the poet? Piers plays at Hotel café LA on the 23rd just so you know darling.
how are you? great to be in touch with the beauty India from hollywood, lets do a catch up some time. am in paris - been and done lots you know.... big sloppy kisses and strong hugs to you my girl, Dom."

i still have such affinity for this serious minded brooding writer and poet...we met in college.. NY dimly lit memories.... He's always been a man about town, so the 'sloppy kisses' part, one takes with many grains of salt, as it's undoubtedly the way he signs all emails... but who doesn't dig/need/appreciate strong hugs and love from old friends in far away lands... we still circle back to each other with ease and interest in who we've evolved into... so there, men and women can be friends.
You must must check out Piers Faccini, his totally talented singer/songwriter brother, on itunes, especially KCRW fans! and if in L.A. check out his show at Hotel Cafe on 23rd in Hollywood. Ahhh, those Faccini bothers.. such a talented a lot.

in the forgetting/remembering room...

All sorts of lovely magic up in here, i've read tarot cards for a long time, before the craft, which is why when that script came around i fought for that part, and willed it to happen... you say pray.. i say will.. it's just semantics, really.
Anyway people say i'm pretty good at it... i like them less for 'fortune telling, or future telling' and more for a reflection of where you are now, what's lingering, good or bad... and maybe some options... 

it's kind of like a shrink in a box really...  you'd be amazed at how the same cards come up over and over if you are dwelling on one particular thing or stuck in a pattern. the archtypes on the cards show you... are the same ones say, Joseph Campbell, breaks down in his books.... nothing devily here, it's simply you taping in to your own intuition.. or tapping into 'gods plan' if that's a more palatable way to phrase it...
once at a deli, i heard this voice inside say.. take the other sandwich, not the first one. i heard it, but still took the first. When i got home, there was a big juicy bug in it. and all i could do is giggle and say.. ok, next time i listen you lil' voice.
have you ever heard that little whisper so slight you might miss it, saying turn here instead of there... and you miss the accident you witness in rear view mirror... just intuition.

Be it friend, lover, repair man choice, pet, etc.. i go off energy... and sometimes get fooled, but usually later i remember the whispery truth i'd blatently ignored, because i let desire/want, rather than what i needed, take over. 
oy self control... can't get that out the cards... but they can remind me when i need to take back the reigns, start carving path i want, instead of wandering the Elysian fields aimlessly.

Saturday, September 12

one o' my fav tweets

from the amazing @dreamhampton....
dreamhampton@racheltrue the wide winged witches we are!
 i love this, and retweeted it to day to remind me that the power is always within ones self.... sometimes i am human and forget. 

paraphrase of a non date or my folly sans ice.

"you're taking this like a girl" he said.
"i am a girl" i say.
I crack a joke. to break the tension - "how many times a week do you say that to the ladies" as dude from out of town puts on his watch and gathers up his belongings....
"don't be mean" he said.
"huh?" i say...
"you just implied I'm a man whore". he's annoyed.
oops, me and my scorpio mouth, i guess. or was that his defensiveness matching my own?
hadn't been my intent, joke was clearly on/about me, and my folly of thinking... thinking  fun innocent making out all afternoon with someone neat meant you go to dinner together afterward. i mean we'd done dinner before.... 
never assume.
 "i can't... i can't be this intimate (emotionally, now)" he says truthfully.
 "well", i stutter "you don't like the phone and I don't think we're gonna get too intimate, via emails/texts..."
he shrugs that this is true. he's already gone away mentally, just flesh standing before me now.
Because I ♥ awesome me, (that's how i roll), I know with some patience i'll prob get all I desire, romantically. (not from this chap necessarily)
"I... want intimacy, so don't be surprised if i have to disappear then." i say.
another shrug of... agreement.
 a slight sadness now... i didn't want to fade away from he who is already gone....but  ambivalence from men is never a great sign, or empowering... and um, he's already gone....
"women see intimacy as talking, men see sex as a way to be intimate... not that i expected you to sleep w/ me today". he'd said earlier.
i believe that actually. Some men/women do see intimacy as what you share after sex..
Maybe we'd gravitated towards the other, because we were, after all, a safe flirt. he lives away- safe. i'm not an easy girl- safe. i'd wanted to get to know him more.... I guess i did sans words in the weird goodbye at the door, no look back from either party.
He's quite lovely actually, ....even with evident relief, indifference dotting his aura.

The upswing of this all is.... if someone doesn't fit you or dig you,that's O.K., it's about what you want after all. I want to be thought of as lovely, because i am. I'm also an American girl raised on promises and fairy tales, so maybe dude and i will fit at some point, or y'know, not. either way is cool.. because life's just like that.
Having a reaction to a man emotionally shutting down while you watch... doesn't make me a "girl", means i'm not numb. or dumb. I'm present, and i'll look/wait patiently for the smart, funny one not put off by, or scared off by me.

each encounter, albeit brief or way too long, has it's merits and leads to the dude that doesn't walk away sans vittles. the one who isn't so quick to put his watch on.

Thursday, September 10

more German....

Survival phrases 5

1. Du bist süß. = You’re cute.
2. Du bist hübsch. = You’re pretty.
3. Du bist schön. = You’re beautiful.
4. Du bist heiß. = You’re hot.
5. Du bist sexy. = You’re sexy.
I ♥ their blog. true 

 reblogged from GermanHeit
@germanheit on twitter

ps.... cause i can't sleep and all...

 i kinda heart this picture near craft service from a movie i was in.... um, i don't remember my characters' name actually... so i'll call her the chick from a movie i did w/  taye digs....  was called mary janes last dance, then came out under 'new best friend'.. it's a silly movie in the end, and the middle... but was one of those neat actor eperiences, you're on location for 2 months, away from all distractions of home... getting paid to play in front of a camera.
we shot in N.C, and  before filming started, i wandered round town, into a clothing store, where rather promptly, i was asked would you like to be in the 'ethnic' fashion night this week.. um, 'no' i mutter... putting back the blouse i'd been holding so i can pull out my 'i'm black but i'm totally here shooting a movie' card. 
then I end up in a store full of good old  rebel south & Natzi memrobilia, always  touching combo btw... i get out alive and forge forth to one more store.... a NY retired jew running a card shop, so lovely, welcoming and safer.. because for a moment i'd felt unsafe, by myself, weird feeling, i don't often  feel.
anyway, back to why i like this pic... i was playing college.... and y'know i wasn't at all in college... 
my buddy Dom Swain on movie was 18, a hooot, & i spent many a day in the arcade w/ her acting silly, because the director had said on the 1st get together... 'look at my cast, nobody over 25" so y'know us actors, we are whatever you want us to be in a movie... definitely not in REAL LIFE tho fyi... 
this pic to me- captures me playing someone, whose playing someone else in a movie... carrying a secret in my eyes, and loving it.

a sideways glimpse

I made a 'dry' comment about having a job that allows me to disassociate and take risks... i'm reiterating the dry part because of a comment under that blog,(truth in advertising).... along the lines of 'oh that must be how you played a lesbian  in a movie or 2.. '

i don't actually disassociate. that would be mentally unhealthy. to live to breathe, to function as a full human, to act, you must be grounded in your body, it's the instrument in my particular job. that was a blog about actually remaining present in your body, and conquering fears when the stakes are high, like when you're testing for a movie w/ so and so, or standing next to a not tame lion.... thus the before and after shot. one is pure fear.... the next is someone settled in and confidant. well, confidanter. if i do say so myself.
i also did not 'disassociate' to play a bisexual or lesbian chicks in a few movies.. i like men personally, but sexuality is sexuality, full stop, so it was simply about taping into..... sexuality. (and the director made us practice kissing cause we were giggling too much). we shot it when we were grounded enough to play the scene.
Btw, that's why i love acting.... the chance to get in the mind of people different that me.
i love that people read and or comment, and i really appreciate that people relate to characters i've played.... but this isn't a blog about what you think I think, it's a place to relate your stuff, .....and if tweeting German or blogging curse words upsets you, maybe me blogs not for ye.
it is for me.... that much is True.

Monday, September 7

im Abschluss

Es war ein Scherz Sean Penn, und könnte sich als nützlich sollten Sie sich von einem asshole auf Berlin konfrontiert kommen.

and on other note.... 
Tennis' New All-American Sweetheart: Seventeen-year-old blond phenom Melanie Oudin has taken the U.S. Open by storm...

how much i would have love for either of the Williams sisters to have been described in such (minus the blonde) when they were teen phenoms... not to take away to all from Oudin. she's an exciting new addition to a sport i love.  i just wanna be described, for once, as all american too.

Sunday, September 6

useful german phrases

10 ways to say "F*** off!" in German

1.) Verpiss dich!
2.) Verzieh dich!
3.) Mach die Fliege!
4.) Mach dich vom Acker!
5.) Zieh Leine!
6.) Hau ab!
7.) Schleich dich!
8.) Mach dich weg!
9.) Fahr zur Hölle!
10.) Scher dich zum Teufel!
Reblogged: germanheit

my friend Mapa & i tweet less in german, than a combo of german, mangled with english... if you want to know how to say hello, there are a million translators..
the thing about having a blog is i say what i want, cause it's me blog.. if offends you.. so be it, and let's agree to disagree, shall we?

Thursday, September 3

Carpathian mountains anyone?

almost a full moon... it's super saturated with secrets this one.. Bet my long gone never known gypsy great grandmother would've gotten it to spill it's bounty in light whispery strings. Alas, i am not her...though her unknown-ness tingles my imagination...

What was she like... Was she clever, revered, reviled?... i've decided/ will pretend she was a grand feminesta of her time with castle/moat combo i covet so much. that's what i do with family I've  never met. or maybe it's just collective cosmic memory rearing up... but, when i have my castle, and it maybe in Scotland, cause they're cheaper there... after the central heating is installed... i'll say i told you so, but my friend said- no need, i'm confidant you'll get one... but yup, i digress.

My Dad ws any only child,  i only met his mother once, which turns out was enough...she was old and sad;  i wanted to buy/get her a dog so she had something to love & receive love from.  So very shriveled was she from its deprivation.  She declined the dog, in retrospect she might have made  coat out it, so alls well that ends well....
in dreams you can see the soul sans the frailties of this human personality, and these unknown woman with their eastern european lineage and resiliance fascinate me  (do they roll in their grave at  me, this bohemian brown girls, or look on w/ curiosity & delight?)

Must more eastern european countries on my travel list..
some places, like Greece, i've been twice or more others still my on my to get to list...

Machu Pichuu/ Peru
and any/ all of Asia...