Saturday, September 12

paraphrase of a non date or my folly sans ice.

"you're taking this like a girl" he said.
"i am a girl" i say.
I crack a joke. to break the tension - "how many times a week do you say that to the ladies" as dude from out of town puts on his watch and gathers up his belongings....
"don't be mean" he said.
"huh?" i say...
"you just implied I'm a man whore". he's annoyed.
oops, me and my scorpio mouth, i guess. or was that his defensiveness matching my own?
hadn't been my intent, joke was clearly on/about me, and my folly of thinking... thinking  fun innocent making out all afternoon with someone neat meant you go to dinner together afterward. i mean we'd done dinner before.... 
never assume.
 "i can't... i can't be this intimate (emotionally, now)" he says truthfully.
 "well", i stutter "you don't like the phone and I don't think we're gonna get too intimate, via emails/texts..."
he shrugs that this is true. he's already gone away mentally, just flesh standing before me now.
Because I ♥ awesome me, (that's how i roll), I know with some patience i'll prob get all I desire, romantically. (not from this chap necessarily)
"I... want intimacy, so don't be surprised if i have to disappear then." i say.
another shrug of... agreement.
 a slight sadness now... i didn't want to fade away from he who is already gone....but  ambivalence from men is never a great sign, or empowering... and um, he's already gone....
"women see intimacy as talking, men see sex as a way to be intimate... not that i expected you to sleep w/ me today". he'd said earlier.
i believe that actually. Some men/women do see intimacy as what you share after sex..
Maybe we'd gravitated towards the other, because we were, after all, a safe flirt. he lives away- safe. i'm not an easy girl- safe. i'd wanted to get to know him more.... I guess i did sans words in the weird goodbye at the door, no look back from either party.
He's quite lovely actually, ....even with evident relief, indifference dotting his aura.

The upswing of this all is.... if someone doesn't fit you or dig you,that's O.K., it's about what you want after all. I want to be thought of as lovely, because i am. I'm also an American girl raised on promises and fairy tales, so maybe dude and i will fit at some point, or y'know, not. either way is cool.. because life's just like that.
Having a reaction to a man emotionally shutting down while you watch... doesn't make me a "girl", means i'm not numb. or dumb. I'm present, and i'll look/wait patiently for the smart, funny one not put off by, or scared off by me.

each encounter, albeit brief or way too long, has it's merits and leads to the dude that doesn't walk away sans vittles. the one who isn't so quick to put his watch on.


  1. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you finally find your prince. Just keep seraching, Rachel. As beautiful and as witty as you are, that'll happen sooner than you think. :)

  2. Wow. I'd like to think that intimacy varies from person to person. There are some females who feel the same way about intimacy that men do.I was like that with my ex.He liked the "lets talk" intimacy, and I gravitated to other things.
    Every woman has a right to what kind of man she wants and what truly matches her needs.How you feel makes every bit of sense.You are entitled to it.Maybe he will come back or maybe you will find the right guy at the right time.As the song goes "Que sera, sera..whatever will be will be."