ps.... cause i can't sleep and all...

 i kinda heart this picture near craft service from a movie i was in.... um, i don't remember my characters' name actually... so i'll call her the chick from a movie i did w/  taye digs....  was called mary janes last dance, then came out under 'new best friend'.. it's a silly movie in the end, and the middle... but was one of those neat actor eperiences, you're on location for 2 months, away from all distractions of home... getting paid to play in front of a camera.

we shot in N.C, and  before filming started, i wandered round town, into a clothing store, where rather promptly, i was asked would you like to be in the 'ethnic' fashion night this week.. um, 'no' i mutter... putting back the blouse i'd been holding so i can pull out my 'i'm black but i'm totally here shooting a movie' card. 

then I end up in a store full of good old  rebel south & Natzi memrobilia, always  touching combo btw... i get out alive and forge forth to one more store.... a NY retired jew running a card shop, so lovely, welcoming and safer.. because for a moment i'd felt unsafe, by myself, weird feeling, i don't often  feel.

anyway, back to why i like this pic... i was playing college.... and y'know i wasn't at all in college... 

my buddy Dom Swain on movie was 18, a hooot, & i spent many a day in the arcade w/ her acting silly, because the director had said on the 1st get together... 'look at my cast, nobody over 25" so y'know us actors, we are whatever you want us to be in a movie... definitely not in REAL LIFE tho fyi... 

this pic to me- captures me playing someone, whose playing someone else in a movie... carrying a secret in my eyes, and loving it.

a sideways glimpse

I made a 'dry' comment about having a job that allows me to disassociate and take risks... i'm reiterating the dry part because of a comment under that blog,(truth in advertising).... along the lines of 'oh that must be how you played a lesbian  in a movie or 2.. '

i don't actually disassociate. that would be mentally unhealthy. to live to breathe, to function as a full human, to act, you must be grounded in your body, it's the instrument in my particular job. that was a blog about actually remaining present in your body, and conquering fears when the stakes are high, like when you're testing for a movie w/ so and so, or standing next to a not tame lion.... thus the before and after shot. one is pure fear.... the next is someone settled in and confidant. well, confidanter. if i do say so myself.

i also did not 'disassociate' to play a bisexual or lesbian chicks in a few movies.. i like men personally, but sexuality is sexuality, full stop, so it was simply about taping into..... sexuality. (and the director made us practice kissing cause we were giggling too much). we shot it when we were grounded enough to play the scene.

Btw, that's why i love acting.... the chance to get in the mind of people different that me.

i love that people read and or comment, and i really appreciate that people relate to characters i've played.... but this isn't a blog about what you think I think, it's a place to relate your stuff, .....and if tweeting German or blogging curse words upsets you, maybe me blogs not for ye.
it is for me.... that much is True.

im Abschluss

Es war ein Scherz Sean Penn, und könnte sich als nützlich sollten Sie sich von einem asshole auf Berlin konfrontiert kommen.

and on other note.... 
Tennis' New All-American Sweetheart: Seventeen-year-old blond phenom Melanie Oudin has taken the U.S. Open by storm...

how much i would have love for either of the Williams sisters to have been described in such (minus the blonde) when they were teen phenoms... not to take away to all from Oudin. she's an exciting new addition to a sport i love.  i just wanna be described, for once, as all american too.

useful german phrases

10 ways to say "F*** off!" in German

germanheit:

1.) Verpiss dich!
2.) Verzieh dich!
3.) Mach die Fliege!
4.) Mach dich vom Acker!
5.) Zieh Leine!
6.) Hau ab!
7.) Schleich dich!
8.) Mach dich weg!
9.) Fahr zur Hölle!
10.) Scher dich zum Teufel!

Reblogged: germanheit

my friend Mapa & i tweet less in german, than a combo of german, mangled with english... if you want to know how to say hello, there are a million translators..

the thing about having a blog is i say what i want, cause it's me blog.. if offends you.. so be it, and let's agree to disagree, shall we?

Carpathian mountains anyone?

almost a full moon... it's super saturated with secrets this one.. Bet my long gone never known gypsy great grandmother would've gotten it to spill it's bounty in light whispery strings. Alas, i am not her...though her unknown-ness tingles my imagination...

What was she like... Was she clever, revered, reviled?... i've decided/ will pretend she was a grand feminesta of her time with castle/moat combo i covet so much. that's what i do with family I've  never met. or maybe it's just collective cosmic memory rearing up... but, when i have my castle, and it maybe in Scotland, cause they're cheaper there... after the central heating is installed... i'll say i told you so, but my friend said- no need, i'm confidant you'll get one... but yup, i digress.

My Dad ws any only child,  i only met his mother once, which turns out was enough...she was old and sad;  i wanted to buy/get her a dog so she had something to love & receive love from.  So very shriveled was she from its deprivation.  She declined the dog, in retrospect she might have made  coat out it, so alls well that ends well....
in dreams you can see the soul sans the frailties of this human personality, and these unknown woman with their eastern european lineage and resiliance fascinate me  (do they roll in their grave at  me, this bohemian brown girls, or look on w/ curiosity & delight?)

Must more eastern european countries on my travel list..

some places, like Greece, i've been twice or more others still my on my to get to list...

Machu Pichuu/ Peru
Egypt
Turkey
Hungary
and any/ all of Asia...

ramblings on rumi-nations

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi
ok... i love this one it, so open and trusting... trust is based off actions, not words...

I will admit to finding Hollywood, a small intricate fantasy filled city, a sabotagey community... sprinkled with roses i tend as precious as le petit prince did his one..

it's a city that can be an Oscar Wilde smiths 'we hate it when our friends become successful kinda place..' i imagine it's quite the same in any field actually..

i miss the straight forwardness of NYC, in your face there (as i recall), here they smile in your face, all the while....
And yet, i do love this city and call it home, it's physical beauty entwined with the heavy armor one needs for protection here... i'd put it down.. but it serves me well... at times.
i will now demonstrate my perception of LA by performing 'this town' from the 80's band the gogos.( you should now totally picture me singing & dancing to this offish key...)

This Town by The GO-GO's

'We all know the chosen toys

Of catty girls and pretty boys
make up that face
Jump in the race
Life's a kick in this town
Life's a kick in this town
CHORUS
This town is our town
It is so glamorous
Bet you'd live here if you could
And be one of us
Change the lines that were said before
We're all dreamers - we're all whores
Discarded stars
Like worn out cars
Litter the streets of this town
Litter the streets of this town

song still stands up for what LA can be, if you look the wrong way. i've very recently switched views; not only did it help crick in my neck, i appreciate the people i can sit/lie in silence with. no babble, no actress/business person, no anxiety, just pure trust. that's love. that's godhead as Gregg Araki would say back in the daaayyyy....

Rumi rumination

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent." - Rumi

The way you make love is the way God will love you -Rumi

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi



these have been running through my brain.. to be patient, in silence and have infinite faith.... oh, and to know that making love compared to having sex- is seeing god.

to learn to dance gracefully in the rain, with patience and love.... these resonate for my life path...
have you ever found yourself staring at the same old thing, trussed up in a spiffy new package? no matter how shiny, i like that these days that i spot it sooner... than later... so i try to quiet myself, feel the movements around me.... things change on a dime when you're open to your intuition.
less and less of the takers get through... almost like they don't exist.. there's a comfort in that.

'the way you make love..' -is it to fulfill the base desire, or is it about a cosmic connection... both are completely valid and human. i find sometimes the bigger the stakes.. heart, vulnerability.... the greater the sex. though nothing wrong w/ hedonism if that's you're bag.... just my preference.

to lie in silence, with a friend, ahhh heaven.

I've been really drawn to getting a tattoo lately.. what's that about?

vlog- film critic pals, bad movies and/or the average day in LA, sans glitz & sleep.

for those of you who were like- more you in vids...here's plenty o' me doing nothing... on not enough sleep. probably sorry you asked right about now huh? pretty good proof i'd bore the F outta you

i disagree... respectfully w/ thee Nietzsche.

"The lie is a condition of life." - Friedrich Nietzsche

maybe the above is a truism, when you really mull it, i mean sure, right?...
but i can't breathe under such restrictions...
for better or worse I've always spoke the truth... 'disconcerting little thing' to adults, i was as child, stripping the emperors clothes off without awareness... yet so sensitive was i to the truth, i must've known somewhere the effect words & a look can have.... even then.
now, i know when to hold my tongue, or to parse it with truthful gentle compassion..it's a more graceful way, clumsy girl/woman that i am.
the truth will always be the most seductiveturn on in the world for me... well, that and humour.. oh and a brilliant mind, and...

to do, or have done list.

lick Alec Mapa, have massage gift certificate, money from far and wide, and tarty pic of self at the ready. oh and somebody suggested dancing pantless in copious amounts of foam in foreign country. fair enough.
i made this a blog cause a real friend on the FB said and i quote "rachel: that is by far the weirdest post i have read yet. Bravo!"