tripping the super funkadelic light fantastic way to end of universe instead of tripping down hole in front of me. ayup.

or shit- Mercury is like sooooo in retrograde.

it's a choice right?.... whether you fall into the abyss from fea or sadness, or steer the course of your life, starting with your mind, in another direction... get in your own tardis, of which you are your own time lord, circumvent, navigate the stars...

it's been one of those times when i have to admit Mercury in retrograde is kicking my ass... i've really been feeling it.....and my electronics, which i've lways had a convoluted relationship with, are indeed breaking down more. All communications have been tricky.... a misplaced word taken out of context... even thinking too loudly can be heard...

i wished to be invisible for a moment..mostly cause i saw this abc  prime time special about hitting kids, and the effects it has... reminded me i'd pretend as a kid (and older) i didn't exist so i wouldn't call attention to myself, but also so Iwouldn't have to pay attention to myself.... That behaviour may have been a tool to survive then, but dimming shine now only leads straight to staring in to the abyss, and me blinking first, which is not so much my style.

the business i'm in is about singing out, in showing off, showing in, shining. shining on cue as a matter of fact.

personally i love my shine, i loved it as a kid.... even got some of that steven king kinda shine, but that's another blog.... both kinds have helped me chart my path many time..

.

there will be an answer... let it be... as the Beatles and a friend reminded me. Still sorting the questions i think....
 PS-i really hate that RWR died almost a year ago now. i so get the soul moves on.. and his energy /soul is fine. i'm whining, yes i'll admit it... whining for me, our mom, his bride.. all of it, i still think it's freaky that was the 1st funeral i ever attended.  ahh...there will be an answer, let it be.

cards, ripe with hidden meanngs..

 
 readings like this simply remind you if you're open, and feeling it... anything can happen... DEPENDING on your choices... the bends in the road can be so tempting!

ah, but i also got the tower  and wheel of fortune...... that means there may be a foundation rocking change, good or bad, the wheel spins, and where it stops nobody knows, these cards came before the others... so i'd assume it means, eyes open to what the wheel of life proffers...just options and thing s to mull over...t hat's really why i like cards.. no easy answers, just things to meditate on, like even if you know nothing about cards... it's about what the images trigger for you depending on your situation... oh i do so love a good puzzle!

message from one of my fav ex's received today....

many moons ago in Holland w/ a poet

"when will you seek out the poet? Piers plays at Hotel café LA on the 23rd just so you know darling.
how are you? great to be in touch with the beauty India from hollywood, lets do a catch up some time. am in paris - been and done lots you know.... big sloppy kisses and strong hugs to you my girl, Dom."

i still have such affinity for this serious minded brooding writer and poet...we met in college.. NY dimly lit memories.... He's always been a man about town, so the 'sloppy kisses' part, one takes with many grains of salt, as it's undoubtedly the way he signs all emails... but who doesn't dig/need/appreciate strong hugs and love from old friends in far away lands... we still circle back to each other with ease and interest in who we've evolved into... so there, men and women can be friends.

You must must check out Piers Faccini, his totally talented singer/songwriter brother, on itunes, especially KCRW fans! and if in L.A. check out his show at Hotel Cafe on 23rd in Hollywood. Ahhh, those Faccini bothers.. such a talented a lot.

in the forgetting/remembering room...

All sorts of lovely magic up in here, i've read tarot cards for a long time, before the craft, which is why when that script came around i fought for that part, and willed it to happen... you say pray.. i say will.. it's just semantics, really.
Anyway people say i'm pretty good at it... i like them less for 'fortune telling, or future telling' and more for a reflection of where you are now, what's lingering, good or bad... and maybe some options... 

it's kind of like a shrink in a box really...  you'd be amazed at how the same cards come up over and over if you are dwelling on one particular thing or stuck in a pattern. the archtypes on the cards show you... are the same ones say, Joseph Campbell, breaks down in his books.... nothing devily here, it's simply you taping in to your own intuition.. or tapping into 'gods plan' if that's a more palatable way to phrase it...
  
once at a deli, i heard this voice inside say.. take the other sandwich, not the first one. i heard it, but still took the first. When i got home, there was a big juicy bug in it. and all i could do is giggle and say.. ok, next time i listen you lil' voice.
have you ever heard that little whisper so slight you might miss it, saying turn here instead of there... and you miss the accident you witness in rear view mirror... just intuition.


Be it friend, lover, repair man choice, pet, etc.. i go off energy... and sometimes get fooled, but usually later i remember the whispery truth i'd blatently ignored, because i let desire/want, rather than what i needed, take over. 
oy self control... can't get that out the cards... but they can remind me when i need to take back the reigns, start carving path i want, instead of wandering the Elysian fields aimlessly.

one o' my fav tweets

from the amazing @dreamhampton....

dreamhampton@racheltrue the wide winged witches we are!

 i love this, and retweeted it to day to remind me that the power is always within ones self.... sometimes i am human and forget. 
 

paraphrase of a non date or my folly sans ice.

"you're taking this like a girl" he said.
"i am a girl" i say.
I crack a joke. to break the tension - "how many times a week do you say that to the ladies" as dude from out of town puts on his watch and gathers up his belongings....

"don't be mean" he said.

"huh?" i say...

"you just implied I'm a man whore". he's annoyed.

oops, me and my scorpio mouth, i guess. or was that his defensiveness matching my own?

hadn't been my intent, joke was clearly on/about me, and my folly of thinking... thinking  fun innocent making out all afternoon with someone neat meant you go to dinner together afterward. i mean we'd done dinner before.... 

never assume.

 "i can't... i can't be this intimate (emotionally, now)" he says truthfully.
 "well", i stutter "you don't like the phone and I don't think we're gonna get too intimate, via emails/texts..."

he shrugs that this is true. he's already gone away mentally, just flesh standing before me now.

Because I ♥ awesome me, (that's how i roll), I know with some patience i'll prob get all I desire, romantically. (not from this chap necessarily)
"I... want intimacy, so don't be surprised if i have to disappear then." i say.

another shrug of... agreement.

 a slight sadness now... i didn't want to fade away from he who is already gone....but  ambivalence from men is never a great sign, or empowering... and um, he's already gone....

"women see intimacy as talking, men see sex as a way to be intimate... not that i expected you to sleep w/ me today". he'd said earlier.

i believe that actually. Some men/women do see intimacy as what you share after sex..

Maybe we'd gravitated towards the other, because we were, after all, a safe flirt. he lives away- safe. i'm not an easy girl- safe. i'd wanted to get to know him more.... I guess i did sans words in the weird goodbye at the door, no look back from either party.
He's quite lovely actually, ....even with evident relief, indifference dotting his aura.

The upswing of this all is.... if someone doesn't fit you or dig you,that's O.K., it's about what you want after all. I want to be thought of as lovely, because i am. I'm also an American girl raised on promises and fairy tales, so maybe dude and i will fit at some point, or y'know, not. either way is cool.. because life's just like that.
Having a reaction to a man emotionally shutting down while you watch... doesn't make me a "girl", means i'm not numb. or dumb. I'm present, and i'll look/wait patiently for the smart, funny one not put off by, or scared off by me.

each encounter, albeit brief or way too long, has it's merits and leads to the dude that doesn't walk away sans vittles. the one who isn't so quick to put his watch on.

more German....

Survival phrases 5

1. Du bist süß. = You’re cute.

2. Du bist hübsch. = You’re pretty.

3. Du bist schön. = You’re beautiful.

4. Du bist heiß. = You’re hot.

5. Du bist sexy. = You’re sexy.

I ♥ their blog. true 

 reblogged from GermanHeit
@germanheit on twitter

ps.... cause i can't sleep and all...

 i kinda heart this picture near craft service from a movie i was in.... um, i don't remember my characters' name actually... so i'll call her the chick from a movie i did w/  taye digs....  was called mary janes last dance, then came out under 'new best friend'.. it's a silly movie in the end, and the middle... but was one of those neat actor eperiences, you're on location for 2 months, away from all distractions of home... getting paid to play in front of a camera.

we shot in N.C, and  before filming started, i wandered round town, into a clothing store, where rather promptly, i was asked would you like to be in the 'ethnic' fashion night this week.. um, 'no' i mutter... putting back the blouse i'd been holding so i can pull out my 'i'm black but i'm totally here shooting a movie' card. 

then I end up in a store full of good old  rebel south & Natzi memrobilia, always  touching combo btw... i get out alive and forge forth to one more store.... a NY retired jew running a card shop, so lovely, welcoming and safer.. because for a moment i'd felt unsafe, by myself, weird feeling, i don't often  feel.

anyway, back to why i like this pic... i was playing college.... and y'know i wasn't at all in college... 

my buddy Dom Swain on movie was 18, a hooot, & i spent many a day in the arcade w/ her acting silly, because the director had said on the 1st get together... 'look at my cast, nobody over 25" so y'know us actors, we are whatever you want us to be in a movie... definitely not in REAL LIFE tho fyi... 

this pic to me- captures me playing someone, whose playing someone else in a movie... carrying a secret in my eyes, and loving it.

a sideways glimpse

I made a 'dry' comment about having a job that allows me to disassociate and take risks... i'm reiterating the dry part because of a comment under that blog,(truth in advertising).... along the lines of 'oh that must be how you played a lesbian  in a movie or 2.. '

i don't actually disassociate. that would be mentally unhealthy. to live to breathe, to function as a full human, to act, you must be grounded in your body, it's the instrument in my particular job. that was a blog about actually remaining present in your body, and conquering fears when the stakes are high, like when you're testing for a movie w/ so and so, or standing next to a not tame lion.... thus the before and after shot. one is pure fear.... the next is someone settled in and confidant. well, confidanter. if i do say so myself.

i also did not 'disassociate' to play a bisexual or lesbian chicks in a few movies.. i like men personally, but sexuality is sexuality, full stop, so it was simply about taping into..... sexuality. (and the director made us practice kissing cause we were giggling too much). we shot it when we were grounded enough to play the scene.

Btw, that's why i love acting.... the chance to get in the mind of people different that me.

i love that people read and or comment, and i really appreciate that people relate to characters i've played.... but this isn't a blog about what you think I think, it's a place to relate your stuff, .....and if tweeting German or blogging curse words upsets you, maybe me blogs not for ye.
it is for me.... that much is True.

im Abschluss

Es war ein Scherz Sean Penn, und könnte sich als nützlich sollten Sie sich von einem asshole auf Berlin konfrontiert kommen.

and on other note.... 
Tennis' New All-American Sweetheart: Seventeen-year-old blond phenom Melanie Oudin has taken the U.S. Open by storm...

how much i would have love for either of the Williams sisters to have been described in such (minus the blonde) when they were teen phenoms... not to take away to all from Oudin. she's an exciting new addition to a sport i love.  i just wanna be described, for once, as all american too.