shatter ( song songs player as well, btw)

Shatter lyrics by Liz Phair from Exile in Guyville
I know that I don't always realize
How sleazy it is messing with these guys
But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face, nearly broke me in two
It's a mark I've taken heart
And I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time
I don't know if I could drive a car
Fast enough to get to where you are
Or wild enough not to miss the boat completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
I don't know if I could fly a plane
Well enough to tail spin out your name
Or high enough to lose control completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
Maybe

a tweet from yesterday...
i admit cloaked in safety of night... i think of thee, and lessons learned.
funny thing is, it's not about the one who assumes/just knows it's about him... or the one who wants, or one who doesn't want it to be about them... it's the unassuming kayzer souze in younger days who slipped by, that's who's scent i catch occasionally...
one more cup of coffee for the road w/ dylan and off i go....

love twitter- it's prob good you must be brief.... x True

swine flu '09 tour 2 versions

holiday in mexico!
w/ great group of camera shy people,(film critics, writers, pr peeps etc..) so despite how it looks, laura siverman and i did not vacation alone... we're just 2 actors willing to make fools of ourselves on camera...
 
Longer version, even kathy griffin in her fab bikini body...
also the fabulously talented and funny writer Margy wants it mde clear she was working while on holiday, had a super good time, which it might not look like as i stuck a camera in her face at all the wrong times....thanks fab mexico travel buddies!

let's talk about this feaky ass bug....

size frame of reference photo...


humanoid eyes... clearly an ancient space traveler who's ship was destroyed...


trapped in a glass...by me, for m,e to photo...then set merrily free...to go do freaky giant hasshper leaf stuff...

oy my aching ego....

ok- i'm having one of those horrible weird gossipy childhood flashbacks i hadn't thought of in years... (this is door to pad we stayed at on holiday, think i put it up just to be a brat! spank me now. No not you...the karma monkey)

short story (i'll try) during the regents exams at the all white school i attended (east coast college boards) i scored a perfect 100 on the english (as well as attaining to that point the highest SAT scores the school had ever seen- alas upstate ny... i'm smart but jeez... no wonder i begged my parents to send me to Simons Rock....)

ok so i see on FB today the girl who they lowered my score for... so she could get the ROTC scholarship that was linked w/ highest regents scores...my grade suddenly went from 100 to not 100... and i lost out on , well thank god not ROTC money, but other grants i needed..... boiling mad i was at the time.... and all these years later i felt..

cheated again? Angry? Sad? an old wound... shame spiral...
it's victimy to remain in a space of sorrow or shame for life, when so much good is all around.
i think the victim lurks in a lot of us... its' how we understand it and move w/ it ...i see it mirrored back, lessons everywhere. even in ROTC. because that poor girl, kinda knew, but that was her way out of a shitty little upstate NY town... and nobody expected me to put the locals to shame and that is why i got a telly show and movies, no really- because i knew if i didn't make it happen on my own and not crumble when i didn't get way i had a shot ps..... and more to the point, my hurt is not at ROTC or her, it'a about me feeling not taken care of by the establishment, but that's a great lesson for a mixed chick to learn young...

Now I feel a weird affection and appreciation for that memory... because it's those nicks and brusies and toughen us up, and prepare us for the world we live in...

but the beyotch better not friend me, s'all i'm saying, G.
Shit-
isn't the point to realize when you've projected feelings on to another human being, or event.. and lets face it was her cosmic path was to get that scholarship.... and have her dad be mayor... oopss, there i go again. stop me-
it's about releasing and shifting the hold the our minds use to protect us, it worked as kids , not so much as an adult....fell pain we felt... and release it. so it doesn't turn into disease....

i remember years ago saying, out frigging loud, like, a lot, 'i release you fear, i know you've served me, but i'm pretty sure some one somewhere needs this flight or flight sensation to actually stay alive... but it's not me... it' never really was, but you came in handy... so thanks and bye...' w/ respect though.

why do we focus on the negs, when the garden, occasionally grey, is alive with joy....

truth in advertising

people have seen these pics for awhile.... but i wanted to show it wasn't always zen fearlessness.... i mean they're friggin wild friggin lions for christ sake.... but i like that because i'm an actor i know how to occasionally put aside fear and just perform, as witnessed from pic 1 to pic 2.... some call it disassociating, i call it my career.... my fantastic guide Henri had same lil powershot point n shot as me, and took great pics, i thank him kindly. ps green thing in my pocket was passport so if anything happened they could at least identify me body.... and had i known he'd be adept w/ camera i would of like, done my hair and maybe slapped some gloss on...

um, i'm totally freaked...


Smile for the camera, you know i love ya better...

fought my way outta this one...

singing a lorelie sirens song for you makes me brown eyes blue.

peaceful warrior

I like this pic, it's the my face from a nude, i'm not ashamed to put complete pic up, the body is to be celebrated... but why just for the sake of it... in it's original context.. or if the photog, Lucy Lui wanted to show it, i'd be proud. i remember hating my body so much when this pic was taken..and yet i don't look uncomfortable... wish i'd seen/felt it's power then... it's a great reminder of 'don't it's always seems to go, you don't know what you got till it's gone...., luckily not too far gone! x

holiday does a body good....

more to come on mexicoco.... need time to ruminate on it...




tres nondemominal angels, that greet guest at house we stayed at...

It's clouds illusions i recall... i really don't see clouds, at all....

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all-

both sides now, baez and joni are just thee bee's knees on this song

i am wondering when i will feel like a grown up....

the 1st pic is from last fall...

because i still just feel like me... which i dig, cause me's alright by me... i guess i thought it would feel... i don't know...know i've grown when i look at my past.. maybe that's what feeling like a grownup is... being able to accept ones self, flaws and all... and not feel defensive when those flaws are pointed out or rear up like a chimera of the past....old habits are certainly ingrained, but i dig new ways of thinking and creating life, not just the life reported on the news... like if i hear 'in these troubled times' one more time on the news...

visit from Mr. Wilde, who'll be beaming down shortly it's said, will do nicely, he brings out the best in me. Mr. Kafka is out 1 guest room.

oh how much i've changed btw... not that i mind... a friend of my dads took this... so i was grown, but some how uncle bruce brought out the girl in the would be woman...

so, not to be macabre or anything..

i've always been fascinated by the song 'don't fear the reaper', yes, sure it's the cowbell... but it's just so perfectly grandiose and of the time... totally into the decade old at leas, Gus Gus cover version...

they used this version as my friends theme song in movie and i was jelly till i realized i've had rad theme songs in a movies, but they put it in, in post, so it's not like you know it's your theme till your watching the movie w/ everyone else... i mean you're not playing the scene with the music on while filming... but yeah, i digress...

point is it's on my player.. and it's gorgeously morose...i'm a sucker for rock and strings. it's very well done, and unless you can take a classic and make it yours why bother. that's why i hate american idol. except for clarkeson. and i hate the soprano sax .yes really. and yes, kenny g must pay.


tonights mumbo jumbo spanish style
as lunas inquieto, esta noche me dan la paz. esta noche duermo un ojo abierto un cerrar de ojos, apartarse de la atracción luminosa.

translation- moons restless, night give me peace. tonight i sleep with one eye open, one eye shut, turning away from the luminous pull.