here comes the sun.... the son and heir.. of everything in particular.

sometimes... it's just a paradigm shift... an epiphany... a new opening...a new life...
thoughts, the moon rocks of the desert,friends, nothing, everything, anything i want....

hmmmnnn..

i've realized my last few dates have talked ad nauseum re their old girlfriends.... at first i thought i was a lesson for me to deal w/ jealousy.. at 1st, by that i mean 15 mins ish, it probably was/is. i mean jealousy is base. unneeded ancient wiring, if you have trust you're golden....i believe it's true, because i've experienced it, that if a guys into you, he'll move galaxies to please you... to be near you.

Now i realize these new talky dudes are just kinda lame and lacking in social graces... think they are trying to impress me w/ who they dated etc...the dialogue wasn't about their own patterns.. it was 'so and so did this f'd up thing to me', or 'so and so likes that too'... kinda a convo ender.

it's never been my MO to talk of specific people, rather maybe patterns i've had in relationships if it came up...at appropriate times.
almost each of my ex's held their own, and presently aren't in the room so why talk about them...
in summation- dudes... i could give 2 flying fucks that you & old GF liked to get pinkberry before watching a video... seriously, go away and grab a pinkberry w/ whats er name.
signed, bored w/ average guys.

some days... some days... i feel like a squashed fairie...

ps- i really want this dress from last season. anyone over theirs and would like to give it to me?

insomnia and Salome if she was a tween in 1997

'Bring me the head of john the baptist on a platter.. or scary spice, either will do... you said anything if i did my veil shtick...'- salome
i think Oscar Wilde would feel me on this....

things I'm working on...

so i make collages, this is kinda like a collage, of a few thoughts roaming round....
what do you wanna change re yourself? and what do you like about yourself....

adventures in babysitting Fynn

then i taught him the African Xhosa clicking language, we planted sun fower seeds, drank a 40, and then... i actually really did feed him some (precooked) chicken nuggets his mom left...later she told me i was supposed to nuke them 1st...who knew?
i give it up to you parents, love the kids, want one ... someday.

shatter ( song songs player as well, btw)

Shatter lyrics by Liz Phair from Exile in Guyville
I know that I don't always realize
How sleazy it is messing with these guys
But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face, nearly broke me in two
It's a mark I've taken heart
And I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time
I don't know if I could drive a car
Fast enough to get to where you are
Or wild enough not to miss the boat completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
I don't know if I could fly a plane
Well enough to tail spin out your name
Or high enough to lose control completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
Maybe

a tweet from yesterday...
i admit cloaked in safety of night... i think of thee, and lessons learned.
funny thing is, it's not about the one who assumes/just knows it's about him... or the one who wants, or one who doesn't want it to be about them... it's the unassuming kayzer souze in younger days who slipped by, that's who's scent i catch occasionally...
one more cup of coffee for the road w/ dylan and off i go....

love twitter- it's prob good you must be brief.... x True

swine flu '09 tour 2 versions

holiday in mexico!
w/ great group of camera shy people,(film critics, writers, pr peeps etc..) so despite how it looks, laura siverman and i did not vacation alone... we're just 2 actors willing to make fools of ourselves on camera...
 
Longer version, even kathy griffin in her fab bikini body...
also the fabulously talented and funny writer Margy wants it mde clear she was working while on holiday, had a super good time, which it might not look like as i stuck a camera in her face at all the wrong times....thanks fab mexico travel buddies!

let's talk about this feaky ass bug....

size frame of reference photo...


humanoid eyes... clearly an ancient space traveler who's ship was destroyed...


trapped in a glass...by me, for m,e to photo...then set merrily free...to go do freaky giant hasshper leaf stuff...

oy my aching ego....

ok- i'm having one of those horrible weird gossipy childhood flashbacks i hadn't thought of in years... (this is door to pad we stayed at on holiday, think i put it up just to be a brat! spank me now. No not you...the karma monkey)

short story (i'll try) during the regents exams at the all white school i attended (east coast college boards) i scored a perfect 100 on the english (as well as attaining to that point the highest SAT scores the school had ever seen- alas upstate ny... i'm smart but jeez... no wonder i begged my parents to send me to Simons Rock....)

ok so i see on FB today the girl who they lowered my score for... so she could get the ROTC scholarship that was linked w/ highest regents scores...my grade suddenly went from 100 to not 100... and i lost out on , well thank god not ROTC money, but other grants i needed..... boiling mad i was at the time.... and all these years later i felt..

cheated again? Angry? Sad? an old wound... shame spiral...
it's victimy to remain in a space of sorrow or shame for life, when so much good is all around.
i think the victim lurks in a lot of us... its' how we understand it and move w/ it ...i see it mirrored back, lessons everywhere. even in ROTC. because that poor girl, kinda knew, but that was her way out of a shitty little upstate NY town... and nobody expected me to put the locals to shame and that is why i got a telly show and movies, no really- because i knew if i didn't make it happen on my own and not crumble when i didn't get way i had a shot ps..... and more to the point, my hurt is not at ROTC or her, it'a about me feeling not taken care of by the establishment, but that's a great lesson for a mixed chick to learn young...

Now I feel a weird affection and appreciation for that memory... because it's those nicks and brusies and toughen us up, and prepare us for the world we live in...

but the beyotch better not friend me, s'all i'm saying, G.
Shit-
isn't the point to realize when you've projected feelings on to another human being, or event.. and lets face it was her cosmic path was to get that scholarship.... and have her dad be mayor... oopss, there i go again. stop me-
it's about releasing and shifting the hold the our minds use to protect us, it worked as kids , not so much as an adult....fell pain we felt... and release it. so it doesn't turn into disease....

i remember years ago saying, out frigging loud, like, a lot, 'i release you fear, i know you've served me, but i'm pretty sure some one somewhere needs this flight or flight sensation to actually stay alive... but it's not me... it' never really was, but you came in handy... so thanks and bye...' w/ respect though.

why do we focus on the negs, when the garden, occasionally grey, is alive with joy....