to pair or not to pair?

my friend snapped this...i see me, shy, dazed, & confused that the world keeps going by... (this is not smizing, as tyra would say)  girly woman me as always,  but it's like there's this view i'm missing... and it's right there in front of me...

Anyway today my twitter question was-

never married, because i never wanted to divorce. are we meant to be together a lifetime? i don't know, so i'll just be here now.
i got differing responses, mostly not regarding my query, but rather focused on marriage & projection.

@aliyasking wrote-  RT @racheltrue never married, because i never want to divorce. [so don't audition bcuz you might not get the part? Or show might not last?]

 my reply to her-
@aliyasking you assume too much. i didn't say i don't love... i simply questioned life long marriage.

to question the institution of marriage, (a luxury everyone should have, regardless of orientation) isn't a denial of love. the two aren't mutually exclusive. i love ♥, marriage=tax break to me though, & so many different things to different people.

SO, do you think people are meant to pair up for life?
have you experienced truly happy couples of 10 or more years? are your parents still 'happily' married?
i know a few couples like that, as well as a few i don't socialize with anymore because the lack of having each others back was palpable.
i do think some are meant to find each other and take the journey together.. I'm a romantic American girl raised on promises and the Red, Blue and Violet fairy books... 
and i also believe some souls meetings are meant to be brief encounters... with lasting finger prints.

all hallows eve...rocking on w/ my Nov Scorpio self.

"You're a Scorpio Water Faery"
adorable undrunk boy said. "See me when you're grown" I said with a goodbye cheek kiss. him sweetly laughing, calling, "c'mon, let me give you my num... email...?" as I walked away.(i trust if we are meant to met up someday we will, and that's a bet)
how bloody great is that for any gal, btw nice to feel 'seen,' probably cause I was relaxed, and 'appreciated', probably cause i was 'mellow' me, not wound me. 
The reflection for me is-
A. how like totally fun it is to be flirty! (i know, duh) and um,
B. could learn to conquer nerves and finesse it when the stakes higher. When it's fairly innocent or 'practice flirting' I am, or can be..... lovely, smart, quick,concise, witty, (swear to god, you should see me, i'm very good at a party...) 
So the goal is to become... more and more comfortable in my own skin. May require a chrysalis mayhaps built for 2, or  simplyhanging upside down for a while in Dagoba swamps, to emerge a more present lady when the boy is an interesting/ interested present man. i see the work i can/have do on myself... and know it will take patience with myself & in the end probably a very specific kooky smooky cool dude who'll desire to share himself and delight in discovering layers of the true and truth.

for the ♥ of love ♥

"i feel stupid, and contagious"...sums up dating.
i think it's the same way i felt at this age-----------> (look at that hair & same suspicious look!?)

i admit, I love... love.... not just it's first flush, or the subsequent heart felt flutters, or the lusty luxurious days spent exploring....,but all of it. the digging in and learning/growing, because you want to, because the person means that much, you trust you'll be safe. a great fabulous payoff is sex gets exponentially more intense the deeper you go with each other.

but quite often... i talk too much to cover my nerves with new people, which only serves to hide my intelligence.... i pick up on energy and unwittingly bring up the very thing they're sure they've hidden from sight. mostly, the dudes aren't listening anyway, and if they are they are, i'd love a dollar for every time one says " i don't want to talk, or  have intimate conversation... i just wanted to blow off some steam with you" ...or in other words, 'be the image i have of you.. silent, frozen, lips slightly parted, w/ a manufactured look of desire... y'know, like your pictures, or movies...' 
how do i end up in these situations.. is the real question for myself... and for you-

i will let you down... if that's all you seek from me.

 go blow & fuck yourself average dude.  xx True

p.s. addendendum  
left this blog on the note that the question for me, is of course, what or why do i attract these dudes. that's for me to figure out, not you. i have a lovely collection of ex's btw... brilliant & talented all of them, (except the one w/the 8 pack.. but he had other attributes..)i have much respect for them all, despite their being ex's.
blog isn't a whine as much as.. the actuality of dating the usual suspects of L.A..
and let me not leave out that, just as certain men aren't for me, i've had an equal amount of men i've adored for one reason or another be, um... just not that into me. and that's life.
el fin.

totally needed this in college.... (via.. @dreamhampton) reblog from Paulo Coelho's

I am not in the state below currently (thank Allah)... but i have been plenty, So, when saw this I thought what a great reminder that despite loves delight to wound, and see us bleed, it is also exquisite, joyous, yummy and oh sooooooo worth it. ♥ 

reblogged from Paulo Coelho’s Blog

reblogged from Paulo Coelho’s Blog

Speaking of (not my) kids...

rest assured if i watch your kid, i will absolutely put kid in laundry basket o'fun at some point. 

Lastly one of my curls fell across his face & you get Baby Rabbi or Rabbi Baby if we're following  muppet babies lore...

kids look like the neatest thing I've yet to do... or possibly won't do.

      I've done super neato stuff like this..

and other stuff, like making movies on location, travels with friends and lovers around the globe (totally awesome!)

but...

 kids look like the neatest thing I've yet to do... or possibly won't do.

I'm not sure I've even played a mom, then my sister goes has a real live toy baby. Thoughts of my own indifference/ desire for children.. i've always wanted them, figured i'd have one... i just never really thought much about when etc. I trace back to childhood, (living in a podunk white Town, technically a Village) the message via the media & my own parents was- 'black girls get pregnant just looking at dudes...bla bla blabla bla  bla'. that mythical over sexualized image of 'black girl' as whore continued on through college... always weird to meet a college age kid who believes jews have tails and every brown girl owes him a blow job. it all left small scabby scars, that years later, I'd open up, make peace, rub bio-oil on, and be content that I don't tend to keloid. 
 

 I totally look forward to (possibly) having a kid,and whatever encounters/ adventures the futures yet to proffer..  being here now, present in this moment is enough.

 being here, right now, is gorgeous.

i learn a lot hanging with my friends & their baby loves, kids will lay some amazingly deep shit on you if you listen, some of my best teachers have been under 10

side bar- Alec Mapa and his husband J. are in the process of adopting a child, he invited me to his 'child care' classes, which i declined. I've strong suspicion he invited me in case they get a black baby and need hair help.

my sis and 8 month old True, who looks just like our dad did in baby pictures.

there's just no denying being a mother looks sublime.

sculpting, nurturing  little minds looks more challenging than walking a lion.

anyone can put their own life in their 'own hands', driving, walking about town, or walking beasts...but can you put someone elses new life in your hands...i mean, that kid is not moving out anytime soon!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS- Side bar-these were some of my minds rules as a kid, bless my twisted heart

• never eat watermelon in public
• never eat watermelon and chicken together in public
  
•  never get stuck carrying what was called the 'ghetto blaster'
• remind that one teacher to not call me Racial, goddammit.
  
• become invisible despite/because i looked different
• read lot's of books to deflect from reality of an upstate NY winter  
• be self depricating when scoring highest on tests or suffer the white wrath.
• never call attention to self.
• see above, except while on the bass guitar in 'jazz' band; go wild w/ you fender precision bass playing self, (ps. future you says what's up w/ the headbands girl!)
• never ever wear bangs again (oy, baby rachel)
• beinvisible -became one word for me.

I too, read books with my awesome breasts, Meghan McCain!

So everyones blogged about Meghan McCain flashing her um...ta-ta's,

or cleavage in a pic on twitter, proving she's just like the rest of us... fallible, full busted and not above a tipsy twit pic.... i would have loved if this pic was ironic, though i think the way you see it, is, as she intended. You, go you republican gal. (ps. if that's moneyed hair, tighten that shit up girl, get ya roots done, and might i recommend a good deep conditioner...)
kidding aside, I think she's very smart clever & witty. She's done a NOH8 picture already, and I see a bright future in (sigh) republican politics for her. when making the talk show rounds she certainly proved she has brains to match her um.. er... twins.

my friend, bestselling author Erica Kennedy has new book out, Feminista, that you all should check out, it's gotten great reviews everywhere and reading is fundamental!

so....I thought i'd McCain it for her, tongue firmly in cheek, chest at the ready. left it in color cause that's how i roll.

why mccain it? absolutely no reason at all... we just like making 'mccaining it' a verb.

i totally know how to flip the image so you could read the books title, but i wanted to 'full on mccain it' because you deserve that. you're welcome. and yes, clearly, i as well could use a 'deep condition', and to 'get me roots done'.

what's interesting to me is... i couldn't nail the smuggy smirky!  I'm an actor, for smirks sake! it's a 'to the manor born' look- OR a 'had a few to many drinkys'- OR it's 'being 20 ish',- Or it's the 'pinched smile of a republican'... that i couldn't quite duplicate.. sigh. oh well, i'll survive.

below is the link for Erica Kennedys website, she's also the author of NY times best seller Bling. her blog is chock full of fun stuff, you must check it out!

 shes on twitter at @feminista09

http://thefeministafiles.blogspot.com/

ps-i get the whole look at me breasts angle, when you haven't had children, they are still toys to boys and for me, the things that keeps me out of shirts I'd really like to wear.. they've served me well though thus far. once at a breast biopsy, i said to the doc- "hey don't leave a big scar, i push these puppies up and make a lot of money on TV with them". (get your exams ladies!!!!!)

Who would i be to judge another clever cleavagey girl, with the caveat of, I probably WON'T be running for president one day... she kinda might run, and may wanna lay off too many of these pics. I'm an actor, nobody cares if i pull out the guns. ;- }

p.p.s- oh yes... musicians, authors send your cds/books and i'll mccain them for you too!

my top five words tweeted: love, know, think, good, people... (trips of the tongue)

1st actually @alecmapa ass away baby bad @basseyworld believe best better big black blog book btw called @calperniaaddams cause check @chrismacden @coffeebreakdmv come cool crazy cuz day did didnt does doesnt doing dream @dreamhampton dude @elonjames fb feel feeling friend friends fun funny getting girl going gonna good great guess @guttabutta ha hair happy hate head hear hes hey hope house ich @jeremymeyers kid kids kinda know la lady @laurajsilverman let life little live lol look looks love lovely make man maybe mean meant @mikedoughtyyeah mind moon movie need new nice night oh ok old @patrikianpolk people pic pics play poo pretty prob @profblmkelley ps @questlove rachel read real really right rt said say saying self shes sigh sleep song stop stuff sure tell thank thanks thanx thats theres @thesarahbiz thing things think tho thought time times today totally true try tv tweet tweets twitpic twitter um use wait wanna want watch way weird whats white wish word work wow wrong yeah yes youre ♥

The fabulous Bassey Ikpi, ladies and gents...

This, is my twitter buddy @bassyworld - Bassey Ikpi, in action in South Africa. Her talent & strength in broaching subjects often swept away, (especially by poc) is honest,  visceral, inspired poetry.

Words that heal, & words that break your heart w/ naked truth. thanks for sharing them lady. (she's also hysterical w/ the tweets I might add.)

my not very helpful hair and skin blog..

here's why i'm loathe to do a real blog re hair, or how to stay looking whatever...

i have no clue. no really... not a clue.  besides decent dna. (shaky on the teeth dentin thing though)

yup.. it's that simple and unenlightening. i don't drink nearly enough water... i washed my face with ivory soap for most of my life...never had a facial... i don't always eat right.. (that's another blog)

i've played around w/ expensive cleansers etc only to find, anything simple, like phisoderm even keeps my skin looking fine.

after my dad passed,(while working on H&H) i went on a junk food tear, (he always called me fat, so y'know i ate the death feelings down) was totally over weight, and did get cystic acne. I cut out the crap, lost weight, embeded zits went away. surfacey teenage white heads still come and go.

the trade off to youngish skin i find is, i sweat like a crazy person, for no reason. could be hiking, or just nervous and i'm um, glowing. maybe that helps flush out toxins... i dunno... my mother looks exceptionally young... tho I inherited her early graying of the hair.

which brings us to hair.. I'm no guru! just a  chick who happens to have some naturally curly hair. it's not relaxed. or permed, just wash and go, but since i dye the heck out of my hair, ( mainly because my dark natural color looks dense & blocky on camera, & to cover grey streak i inherited at 16.)

makes my hair fragile like a newborn kitten, like, it could split ends if you stare too hard.

when you see publicity or movie stills... the makeup and hair is done by professionals, cause i'm an actress and stuff....the candid pictures posted are much more true to life... i don't walk around w/ perfect curls, lit properly... i bloody wish. and in the NOH8 picture where my shoulder length hair is 3 ft long... um, hi, clip in fun hair. i don't wear for life, but i like creating illusions, it's my job. i knew fun hair would make a more striking pic for a great cause. them i unclipped it, back to the same old bob i've had since 20!

what works for my fine curls, may not work for you. my hair changed textures when i moved from humid NYC to dry CA, had to adapt...my fine hair liked humidity, where as if yours is thick, different boat.

if i want that shirley temple look that i'm too old for, but old people love on me.. i twirl curls round my finger in natural direction while damp and there you have it.

i do recommend and am paid by none-

1. olive oil... i keep some in the shower, once a week-ish leave it in for a few hours or hair, shampoo out. not a bad body moisturizer either.

2. if you're in the money- i LOVE Kerastase. too f'ing expensive though, be warned.

3. Aubrey-organics GPB conditioner. i've use it forever, their web-site is full of comments from curly hair women singing praises. i find some of products too heavy..  gpb stands for glycogen protein balancer- in english, help moisturize when needed, fills in protein when needed. google them. oddly enough, they don't target black or jewish curl girls.. you can find in heath food stores. i love their primrose tanglo gro  for a spray during the day. oddly the spray for curly hair they have jus made my curls greasy & limp.

4. pure shea butter... once again i have to wash out, some of your hair make absorb it.

5.finesse made my scalp burn and hair fall out. allergic reaction, sure. but it sucked!

6. mixed chick hair products are pretty good too.

7. a good leave in conditioner, i even leave gpb in... and a good gel helps define!
8. sometimes i wet hair in showers or just in the sink with hands, run conditioner thru it, and leave in, but shampoo rarely as it's sooooo dry here.

most important remember, curls are delicate, all are different. accepting what you have and working with it is the best advice.  many occasion my hair feels like brillo fyi... which usually in LA means more moisture... x true