insomnia, writing, coffee, bad spelling, life.

face of insomnia, grey streak i've had since sixteen, included.

Had the most intense two weeks of creative day and insomniac nights writings followed by silly bouts of tweeting... sometimes you go with what is... even as sleep calls, and the hours and days blend.
It was, for me, amazing to feel/see words unfold into another...
inspiration, instead of my own clumsy forced hand. not saying the words are perfect yet.. the action of creating was divine, and after a mid summer malaise, just the ticket out of the doldrums...
writing uber personal stories, created for yourself, but possibly for public consumption, is scary. that's why i've always appreciated a good singer/songwriter. not only do they write the words, they then perform them. acapella sometimes.
i remember losing muy respect points for a guy i'd dated when he told me he didn't care to do a singer in the round type thing ever, because he needed his (cover?!) band behind him to fully feel his sexuality. huh? (i digress, i feel you should just be your artist self... not be the image of what you think an artist is..)
creation is at it's most beautiful, raggged, bare and stripped of the pretty garnish we sweeten the soundtrack with.
ps. i really dislike brittany spears' voice, it's akin to a soprano sax to my ear. catchy pop, tho.

pps...i 'm in my over rewrite stage on a few things. i encourage you to finish any creative projects you've left half finished or never started.... and if you already do thid w/ aplomb, you get to feel superiour, and i am but a gopi in adrift, at sea.

now i am drained. like this bee... he looks like he's got that end of summer thing going on, don't ya think?

hubbang inub thubbre buubee

girl fight, not really.

Years ago when I lived in a super cute NYC sized apt, in a sweet lil' artist colony Venice courtyard building, I met one of my earlier LA friends.
I had a coveted 2nd floor apt, (there were only 3, to the buliding 12 units), was outside on terrace painting a table, and a small voice said, hi, i'm so and so, want me to help... and then we were just always friends...years past filled with new friends and snips and quips, laughter and disagreements, but mostly laughs, y'know the usual friend stuff.

while our friendship had drifted, we went to dinner a few days after I'd tested for the sitcom i'd eventually do. i'm kept mum about auditioning ..(as and actor to cope you just realize, fuck it, until i'm on the set holding the script w/ a year pick up, or this movie is a GO... none of this is real)i digress, such a lazy writer i am...

ok back on point. after that night, and major events, ie getting the job, a network pick up, starting, working, dad dying, general life.. despite trying to get in touch on my part for like y'now 6-9 months, i never ever heard from her again...

cut to like last fall-
a random text from her (after 7 yrs)... sorry your brother died. (fair enough, me too.)
i sent one back... thanks.
followed a few months later by an email invite to a holiday party. (weird, what's in it for me?)
so like a big girl whose been through therapy:
i sent her an email saying- i really loved our friendship, I'm as shocked as anyone we're no longer friends, buti don't feel comfortable going to party. Acknowledged she had every right to not need/want my friendship way back when for valid reasons, behaviours i had, and have thankfully have grown out of.
her email- "can we just be friends now.... i just thought you wanted a new life and friends"

OK- that's when the bullshit meter when up, hold up lady, me reaching out in the void isn't act of someone desperate to moving on to a new life and friends.
i don't change when i get work. Even work on a great comedy proving groud of a money pile sitcom gig, I'm practical gal. that is the life of the artist, the ups and downs... (-although my friends did have to tell me to talk in door voice, and every sentence doesn't need a button.) (shame spiral)
it's like just say YOU wanted a different life w/o me in it.. that's fair enough and the truth. i'd buy and forgive that for a dollar.

i write back with an email signed 'your would be friend'... 'i just needed a small convo re past... and i have acknowledge my foibles to you... just need to know why you split just when things got good for me, and resurface when you perceive things to be....?'

I never heard back from her.
that's an OK thing, it shows me who my tribe is. Deart god, it's me margret- why do girl friendships have it this rough? xx True
2 sides to every story btw, to be sure.

ok-i have no stake in this at all-

(CNN) -- Jennifer Aniston appears resigned to the single life, if an interview in Elle magazine is any indication. Jennifer Aniston poked fun at her love life at an awards event this year.

"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it," Aniston said in the September issue, according to a excerpts released by the magazine.

"I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room," she said of her rocky post-divorce love life. "It's fine. I can take it."

I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I'm doing and my life off-screen," It started with 'The Good Girl,' then of course 'Rumor Has It,' followed by 'Derailed.' Then there was 'The Break Up.' If any of you have a project entitled 'Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,' I'm at table 6!" she said. "I can make fun of myself, and I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."

A. no actor of her fame just 'happens' into victimey roles, after being cast as 'victim' by press. A stars team makes very calculated moves. From 'the break up' to 'he's just not that into you' these roles were chosen to craft or embellish an image... just as Angie's team does for her... thus the powerful 'action' woman roles she takes. Even if it's a silly movie, she holding a gun, because that's her 'image'. Jen, by contrast has been been holding a box of tissues, thus reinforcing her image as the wounded.

So the reason this pushes my buttons has NOTHING to do w/ her as a person at all.
i mean really nothing.... i have total sympathy for her losing a love. but i know.... You move on, right?

It brings out/reminds me of my own whiny inner child that still cryies victim...- 'hey look at me, i went through this...'. not really a warriors stance.

i've worked spiritually a lot on not being/playing a victim (unless i'm acting and getting paid)I had to, or I'd never have gotten an acting job in the 1st place, or any of the things i dream up for myself.
Now, what others think of me is their business... what i reflect for them has nothing to do w/ me, as what jen reflects to me, has nothing to do w/ her.

that said, I'm big on truth, or at least a clever spin. I find her quips banal, sculpted, and weirdly untrue. nobody, but nobody, not even pretty pretty Jen wants to be the poster girl for saddies.

blurbs from inner space

from www.tweetstats.com twitter cloud... funny to see all those random words thru line...
My top five tweeted words: think, know, love, people, good.

old pic's and new...t less scary than BW spiders?

ah youth and the poses we strike... struck... 'beautiful posers'... who said that rufus wainwright?
i am not this anymore...but there's something freeing about posing w/ abandon... why i like taking pic's of moments, be they people, objects or well.. insects..
a womans sexuality matures in a lovely way.. now it's fully clothes and a look is enough, but for posterity, nice to have... being an actress and all.
... the singer from hazy fantazy took them... (do you know 'shiny,shiny').... why am i still awake??? sometimes the night is my salvation.. tonight, eh? just a distraction form past thing surfacing...that happened around time of this shoot... i am a therapists dream, but i ee the patterns & to recognize and acknowledge is half the battle...xo true

this is more me now... not the glam dressed up me... just me, no team of stylists or primpers.... thinking- 'oh must fix the hole where the rains gets in, wish my central air worked, wonder why are spiders over taking my yard, why did i receive an email w/ a pic of a very old beau, i loved, then a phone call from a different boy i haven't seen in almost as long, should i get my tire pressure checked, does it need a smog, are my sprinklers still leaking?
also, how beautiful my sunflowers are, how i love my garden.... how many amazing people i've encountered, known, loved,how fortunate i am to be a able to take care of of me, i think you get picture. still kinda the glam life, and still me... after all these years, and that's w/ no make up...and a head full of riddles...
p.s. i call this pic- which way did they go?

love, then dinner for one...

smaller spider to the left in pic, i believe is the male widow. he's totally trying to get it on, despite chances of survival being VERY slim after said mating... oh men and their need to sire.... nature is so complex... even the nature right under our feet. maybe she eats him after mating, because as every newish mother i know has said- you might as well just do it yourself, for all the help your man gives you in the first six months..... that made me crack up. not so much the new mothers... and of course, i know wonderful new dads as well....

stuff the night is made of...

(turn music player off on side of page, before playing any video...simple solution)

maybe this explains the spider thing... because they're bloody everywhere. upstate NY ones were chunky round, harmless tho intimidating things, not dangerous just robust...
tho i must admit to being held hostage by water bug in a loo at age 7 during E 11th st NYC block party... out here in LA they call them palmettos bugs.. a giant flying hissing roach by any other name is still vile... and regular city roaches... crawling cross me while i tried to sleep, yuck- roaches will always remind me of my E. 10th street childhood...
my stepmother used to say seek and ye shall find, re bugs etc... it's not like she was wrong....but i wasn't seeking... i think they seek me...

spiders have always fascinated/repelled me... the 1st weavers of the world really, that's why i like shooting their pics.... so beautiful and fill of myth, but this lot is so very dangerous for friends kids who come and wanna play innagaddadavita.... don't wanna kil them but faced w/ infestation... so much nicer when we coexisted w/ nature more gracefully..... i hate killing things... my land is not a killing zone... or is it? sigh.
ps song is Bela Fleck 2 prt invention num 13.

haterade w/ a side of defamation of character, please.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "ohhh, this too too solid flesh...":

geese, this doesn't surprise me at all about you. Had to put a half naked picture up to get blog hits. Heard you was a freak anyway, can't keep a man, plus a severe weed head, and a chain smoker and you borrow hell of money from mad people for coke. What was it $700.00 in Mexico? Going around talking about other people when the people you think are your friends are talking shit about you. Not judging you, just letting you know. You are waaaaaayyyyy to old for the foolishness. Hollywood got you fucked up girl big time. Hope you can find somebody not jaded & turned out to help you get it together because your shit stinks.

sorry you feel that way anonymous...perhaps you should go into fiction writing w/ your imaginative prose.... 'chain smoking, coke/ weed head...' - ah, yes, clearly it's living that sort of life that's keep me working as an actor and looking just fine... your projections of/on me are silly.
... if YOU have drug problems, i urge you to get help for what seems to be a serious problem. i didn't allow your comment to be published under blog, felt this misguided behaviour needed to be addressed out in the open.....
if anything, evokes such a visceral reaction in you, it's your own head you should dig into... why does something push your buttons so.....
it's time to grow... i would urge anyone in a funky victemy space... to.... go long or go home.... delve into what's really going on w/ yourself, and you'll flourish...

so, in summation- if you don't like me, don't visit my blog or follow me on twitter/ fb. it's as simple as that. to the rest of you lovely people, thanks for your comments and for checking in...

flat iron this, beyotch.

to get to point A➜ ?, I've gone Q -W-H to get to B & continue to travel the unknown universe. sometimes w/ a flatiron. beyotch.

ok translation cause i get a lot of 'what you talking about? i have no idea, you are so random comments....
(back story) i put up a pic on twitter of myself w/ straight, and the consensus was curly by a mile.... almost became a don't abandon your naturalness, sister debate....

MY reality as an actor is to play characters...not myself. Hollywood deems straightened hair as more educated, a lawyer, wife etc...
Shirely Temple curls do not always have desired effect, & having the same do since i was 5... natural curls are not, can be (great, but) monotonous.

it's the chess moves we all have to make, to work w/in, w/o the systems and conventions of our chosen field, it's a delicate war balance to be an artist, who makes a living...while maintaining sanity....you also have to be a business person, so you may have to bend or sway.. but never break!

sometimes i needs me some alone time....

I'm good at picking up and putting scraps of things together...sometimes pieces of energy together... it can be draining...it's the best high you've ever known... yet, it can go either way...
this precious life force we've been gifted, always full of deligh, surprise and challenging but needed change...when this pic was taken, i knew something was afoot and not quite right in my life, so i curled up like the Cheshire cat, disappeared... and when the dust settled..the changes changed...i saw clearly again... and smiled a Cheshire cat smile... or a phoenix song....

then after that, I put on these shoes and kicked some ass- oh wait, i can't really walk in stilettos, curses foiled again! so i wore my jackson 5/geoge clinton boots instead. but i covet these glorious example of a foot tortured into position not correct for human anatomy w/ the ability to hurt back.. that's art to me.