Thursday, May 7

the dead father

dead father
somethings, some expressions, you can't take back, or change...

i was on telly with my dad, who (big surprise) had a verbosely intellectual patois mixed w/ ragey anger that eventually took him out.

i was feeling judged at this moment, why i snapped it. despite his genius IQ and fair to questionable advice/lecture, and love the man could drive you nuts.

he's gone now, and sometimes i still think, oh let me call dad so i can... then i remember, no phone required... just thought waves to the universe now...

this will so not become my death blog, btw... but these are the things that have been going on... and y'know how it and my family knew he had @ 5 months left or so-ish at this point.... so, it's frustration at his dominating patriarchol old school dialogue, but sadness that those parry/spar days were numbered....


  1. Hi Rach:

    Your blog is great, and you're a stone cutie, BUT you have too many friends on Myspace already... however, do check out my blog on Myspace IF you like-

    Doc George

  2. HELLLO!! love ur blog. i am SOOOOOOOO folowing the hell outta u on twitter. lool. i love those ringlets, dips, and curves on ur head.

  3. hmmm.... makes you think and re-evaluate things. Thank you.

  4. I lost my father when I was 18. It will be a whopping 33 years without him this Sunday- May 10.

    He drove me nuts, as any dad will do to a teenage boy. But we had some profound discussions and his words are with me to this day. Sometimes I felt that his words were slanted in trying to steer me this way and that, but now, after these many years, I have learned that his words were of his own fears and incompetents, and he just didn't want to see me make the same mistakes he did.

    Make any sense?

  5. "Each man's life is but a breath." -Psalm 39:5

    It makes me think about just how little time we actually have on this planet in these frail bodies we call our own.

  6. Rachel, I found your comments about your relationship with dad to be interesting. I am doing a book on fahter/daughter relationships entitled "Daddy Am I Pretty?" Was wondering if that's something you'd be interested in participating. I sent you a message to FB, don't know if you've received. If interested hit me up on FB.

    BTW, great blog. Keep 'em coming.

    -Damon Duncan

  7. “frustration at his dominating patriarchal old school dialogue….” A poetic summary, so fitting for this Fathers Day Weekend, of how many of us have felt about our fathers! Many months ago, you also wrote a thoughtful note on myspace in response to my post about how daily doses of Mona Thorne’s TV presence drew my dad out of his stroke-inflicted mental fog. I’ll always cherish your note and Mona’s helpful but unsuspecting intervention!

    tony2true Sr. was a big, strapping steelworker who did not go down without a fight. (See photo of him, in better times, with yours truly and my late mom: ). Few mortals have fought the Fates so hard! After a 14 month battle, he succumbed on February 18, 2009, one day after his 81st birthday. Thankfully what departed with him, really before him, was all the anger and hostility that had chilled our relationship since its early years. The ghosts of that unhappy past slowly evaporated as his dominating patriarchal demeanor was replaced by fierce but mostly silent struggle. My anger toward him transformed into sympathy and admiration during all the time I spent with him, keeping company and attending to his needs, with Mona regularly stopping by for the TV visits we both enjoyed so much. Sitting on hard chairs for hours and hours, I began to see, for the first time, my own faults in our strained relationship. I repented, and forgave. And when he died, I gave him a working-class hero’s funeral in the Appalachian foothills that his heart still called home. My eulogy – a guitar/vocal solo of “Amazing Grace – My Chains are Gone.” For both of us, they are.

    I don’t feel I can communicate with him through the cosmos. I don’t really want to, and as in life, I wouldn’t even know what to say. I choose to remember a warrior’s death on the battlefield, redeeming two tony2trues, father and son, two souls now free to dance without chains and fly away in our most separate worlds. Journeys of discovery, indeed.