Rachel India True

hey 2011!

2011-02-02T20:58:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking lately how pleased i am there wasn't the full force online social networking there is now when i was coming up...
don't get me wrong, i appreciate a lot of aspects of social sites, but, imho it seems a lot of great people are spending more time creating and living out 'fulfilling' relationships online than interacting with the tangible.

Maybe i'm sensitive because i now possess a court restraining order good till 2020 against a complete stranger who fixated me, aided by the immediacy of the internet...
Indeed, what happens when someone starts thinking all your status updates are secret special messages for only them? Nothing fucking good, that's what.

it worries me when i see folks calling strangers their 'twi-families'. Or my friends following their ex's every move... to what end?
I'm glad i realized a long time ago, if my ex's want me to know what's up, they'll tell me; finding out through subterfuge usually always hurts, n'est pas?

So, I find myself more drawn to sites specific to my interests these days, a lot of your blogs, news sites, clever funny sites etc.. and the brevity of twitter i suppose.
And here... my little blog of inconsequence.
oh, and fashion sites! i devour them, and quite often it really does satiate the desire to shop... sometimes looking is enough for me, how about you? True

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN & OTHER LEGAL MATTERS

2010-11-25T03:30:00.000-08:00

STOP TRYING TO HACK MY ACCTS, YOU HAVE A TRACEABLE IP, IDIOT.

To live & dye in L.A. ~ exhibit A

2010-10-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

before the late night dye go round these were..

nanette lepore skirt, was white w/ diff colour stripes...never wore because who needs a big white cloth ass right? will prob dye again for a deeper grey.
old raw silk scarf, was dingy orange.
skirt, was white w/ embroidered pink flowers.
nanette lepore jacket, was a dated odd light green & white w/navy stripes... (stitching didn't dye, I'll work that out & replace buttons) found this at a resale store for $35, saw potential~ might re-dye for deeper colour.
tulle velvet top, was a great shade of ecru, until time made it look just dirty ecru.
silk dress was light pink with white flowers.
top, was a grungy white from age.. (and litle dee dees from Half & half)

to live & dye in L.A. ~exhibit A

I do so love clothes, but occasionally get really bored w/stuff, colors fade to dreary,or most likely, i've stained them, as i am a clumsy gal who forgets to dry clean in a timely fashion.

SO... rather than get rid of the offending garments a cheap easy wardrobe remake is to dye them! AT YOUR OWN RISK, might I add... I've absolutely dyed things to a muddy murky mess, at that point I usually just dye them black & hope for the best.

if you follow easy to find guides online on how to combine to achieve desired color it really helps. for these pieces i used reg ole rit dye found at local drug store. there are professional dyes w/ more staying power available online, but i wasn't feeling waiting.

I used a few diff dye combos like brown & wine for the darker maroon. another thing to consider is diff material takes dye diff ways...
sometimes it can really weaken a fabric, causing it to tear if you're not careful handling the wet item.(bye bye, never wore you anyways, Moschino dress)I rinsed stuff in machine, but will also pray it doesn't rain while I'm wearing.

oh and totally wear gloves cause my hands look like i been a working in a coal mine.
good luck, lemme know if you try it! xx True

still sewing!

2010-10-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

yup, still sewing!
this is based on the out of print vogue pattern 8385, I went w/ hook & eye and black ties for a more steam punky feel.

i have the exact totally expensive V. Westwood shirt this pattern is seemingly based on.
my version is lined, though not perfectly, and, YES, needs a good press, but i’d just worn it all day ; ) ….. this is a great top for those with a larger chest, btw!
I’d never put in a hook & eye w/ lining etc before, & next time will probably read some techniques, as i just treated it like a puzzle.
i stumbled on www.Veryprarie.com , she has an great blog, with an awesome version of this top,
i’ve made 3 variations so far… very fun and easy to sew.
i also wanna suggest to people who don't sew to consider taking patterns or dresses you dig to a local seamstress etc and have pieces made. you'll be surprised how cost effective it can be, and how great it feels to have fashions that actually fit your specific figure. often a custom made garment will cost you less and fit you better compared to an off the rack designer.

I like the sense of accomplishment i get from making stuff and being creative, be it clothes, collages, acting, what have you... what makes you feel accomplished? xx True

I♥NY

2010-10-11T02:26:00.000-07:00

now's here a view you don't get in Los Angeles... for my pals birthday we rented a loft in Tribeca for the same price as 2 hotel rooms... brilliant week was had by all. oh the stiries i could tell... but i wont, for I am a scorpio after all. xx True

august...

2010-08-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

oh, i've been busy this summer! how bout you? i'd share but some things are best savored in silence...

1. a make up lady said the points of my lips are dated. he he he. i love my pointy filler 7 toxin free lips & tiny elf ears.

2. a friend asked why i put my cups in face down in the cupboard.... i gave i imagine a standard nyc lower east side kids answer.
cause that way the ROACHES might not get inside them. those bold, giant, egg sack carrying room mates were everywhere in that cramped E.10th st apt. impervious to raid, and fond of running cross my face in the non solitude of night. thank god roaches in NYC seem less of a problem then when i was 5. now its bed bugs claiming the island.
ps. why do we call 'killer bees' 'Africanized bees' and roaches just 'roaches', instead of german roaches? just saying...

3.i made this dress, not the jacket... then realized i'm am not particularly a
fan of silk. even Nanette Lapore silk from mood fabrics. at leat it kinda looks like a piece of clothing. yeah!

4. be nice to the people you love, no matter how much they piss you off.
XO ~ True

nerdy good kinda clean fun with fabric and ink!

2010-06-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

realized i could put fabric ironed to freezer paper (carefully) through my wide formant printers...printed any image i found, w/ various results. fun!

pigment ink on textured linen and 100% cotton, largest print @17 by 22...

to and fro i go...

2010-04-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

turn off music player on right, or you won't hear anything!

what i, & most actors do...

2010-04-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Charlie Rose once asked a director why actors talk about their auditions, and the director replied along the lines of 'because that's most of what they do'...
and that's true, our job a lot of the time IS auditioning... only we don't talk about it... on twitter & stuff.... cause it's private.
most actors are super busy auditioning, taking meetings... then super not busy...then super busy, then super not... and wash and repeat.
maybe auditions aren't every day, but you're busy reading through scripts you've been offered, and deciding if if want to do the part... some days, it's deciding yes or no between more than one job you've been offered and you decide which suites you... some days.. it's making a dress, or gardening or hiking.
Hollywood can get slow... then we performers/ show folk travel and unravel... or at least i do.

So, for all the twitter or FB people who ever asked- hey Rachel...have any auditions?
answer- Yes. duh. that's kind of like me asking you if you went to work today. I'm an actor.... it's what I do, audition and then work on tv and film projects you may or may never see. and...

sometimes the 'business' of acting has a slow, steady old school wooden roller coaster rhythm.
other times a weird tunnel wagnerian tune straight out of the chocolate factory... sans gene wilder.
other times a 'we gave you Obama now you wanna be on TV' thumping inside your head beat. beating. like the drumming in a time lords head lately, frankly.

here's some stills (not usually available to us the actors) from...
1) the initial audition... or right before...where i was reading for a room full of fabulous in charge folks

2) the next time i auditioned on the audition/test day... where it's down to you and ony a few others.... and you read for another room full of fabulous and even more in charge folks, actually, the most in charge people, the people who run the network or studio project... a lot of women executives at this one, btw, very encouraging to see!

then, um... yeah, no i didn't get the part, but the awesome Malinda Williams did, and that's cool because she's a lovely person, and ultimately every actor gets the parts they are supposed to.... I would have been a great choice... she's a different great choice. we're all still great btw... that's the benefit to not letting others or situations define your awesomeness.

in any field to get down to the final choices out of the hundreds, or more, who vied for the SAME job is cool. it's like getting the bronze or silver medal... you did good. el fin.

once you let go of attachment of the outcome, it's easier to be happy for others, yourself & it's easier for the body to express your art... i had fun auditioning for this project and that's golden, pony boy.
next ones mine, excelsior! (nerd alert- stan lee is hysterical on twitter, btw @smilingstanlee i think...)

ps- ran into the ever stunning Nicole Ari Parker outside, she was not auditioning, she'd driven Malinda, (both were on Soul Food on Showtime) to the appt. that day, both are seriously talented women and still friends with each other years after working together.. that's actually not the norm in LA. lovely to see. Rachel.

childhood scribblings

2010-03-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

my step mom was a actor & teacher who taught me to read & write @ 4... these are from when i was 5... i think it's good I didn't become a poet!

non the less, i like having them... i get these flash memories of me at that age... and, um.. apparently i was a morbid kid!

my penmanship & spelling never improved btw, rachel.

pretty pretty frocks (i desire) all dancing in a row....

2010-02-04T00:20:00.000-08:00

Here's some dresses i found that i adore!!!

I'd dress like this all the time if i could, and the occasions called... i admire that in european and NY women, a casual chic is always welcomed.

The designs vary from Fendi, Anna Sui, Temperley London, Stella McCartney, Miu Miu, Leaves Of Grass. the cheapest amoung them is the Anna Sui cotton casual summery dress at 400-600 bucks. (i know!!!)

Occasionally I indulge in a pieces that are sooooo me, or so classic and cool, it'll still look great in 10 years. I've a Stella McCartney trench from 6/7 years ago, that looks brand new, still merits compliments every time, and the cut is perfection. that's the real draw of designer duds.

I remember questioning the purchase... it was 65% off, i was working but it was still a gripola. absolutely, one of the best investment pieces i have. As are some miu mui things i've picked up... funky, but adult.Some cheaper piece tend to disintegrate or eventually looked out dated.

to get to the point------> Mostly i'm a practical gal.... living in LA, I know that 3000 dollar dresses are more often loaned out than purchased by actresses.... very few clever folks here with newly gained dosh spend 20 grand a week on clothes, they have 'deal' and loaners via publicist relationships.

it pains me to see the average american woman go into debt over things that depreciate, like clothing... it's like that Sex i the city episode where she realizes she could have bought a lovely apt with what she'd spent in clothes.

so i suggest, what i do.. i look at the shapes, cuts, materials, and find a happy affordable medium, knowing that a good tailor your best friend. Almost everything you see on ladies in movies and telly was custom fit to that persons exact figure. if your tailor makes patterns, you ca always have them make that Fendi-esque dress for you. they do it on movies for a fraction of the designers wholesale cost... also, i know many a famous gal who sends her stylist to Loehmans or other high end discount chains, to find a bargain.

click on image to see larger.

whine, a little. tennis too!

2010-01-27T02:42:00.000-08:00

I love tennis, like... you love baseball, jai lai or football -which i know nothing about and once turned down amazing superbowl seats cause.... i didn't care and dude called me up like an hour before the game so clearly i was the back-up 'impress you w/ my tickets but can you be ready now' call.

anyway, I'm particularly fond of Wimbledon. Probably because it's the slam that happens during summer, so school wasn't an issue, I'd get up so excited, all alone, at 6 am to watch breakfast at Wimbledon, (even though i loathe strawberries, the cream part always intriguied my childhood mind) Grass play with a chewed up baseline will always be my favorite.

oh, shockingly, I digressed...

In watching the Australian open this week and 2 secs of ice skating, I realize how much athletes and actors have in common...both jobs require you quell insane nerves/anxiety and conquer the mountain in real time, in one shot, maybe 2 if you're lucky.... oh, darn, I digress again...

because the point of ALL this is...

Athletes have these fucking amazing bodies of the gods!!! I admire that sooooo much.

i'd been harshing on mine lately cause I put on 5, ok, fine, 7lbs....I'd been annoyed at my body, even thought I know you gotta love it to change it, and nobody but me made me eat all those of cookies.

And... I'm aware it's totally wrong to think the body of an under developed tween girl is normal for a grown woman, despite it being the norm in LA. I'm just aiming for fit and healthy here.

I need to start eating better and exercise, which i haven't, because i'm lazy.....

My chest is insane for a girl my height; I'm like jessica simpson/ rabbit size. ~ i've never considered plastic surgery, though I secretly dream of a boob reduction. ~ I'm a bloody D right now, small C/B when thinny thin. Moms an A.. A minus actually. what gives?

oh right, Dads german jewish genes that grow my boobs out and ass/hips wider... not at all shelf like.

So, to jump start and trick myself, I exercise areas of of my body that'll tone up quick, so I don't get discouraged..(until i had a trainer briefly) I'd no idea my arms had muscles, much less ones that respond pretty quickly to light weights...

And legs, this pic was taken today, having not worked out in a millenium. I attribute them to I dunno, genetics? being forced to join the track team and suck at it in high school? walking around NYC?

Also, I must thank the universe for giving this short girl proportionally longer arms and legs. you know that body equation where your foot is the same size as your elbow to your wrist... try it it's true! I used to want tiny tiny feet, till I realized tiny tiny tiny arms and legs would go with.

So i wonder...how is it possible my entire mid section has gone poof or puff? or invited a lot of friends to visit, is more apt.

The price of the arms and legs is, I have no real torso, like none... my true waist is super high, right under my chest and then there's a whole lotta hip action going on for a while... which again, I'ma have to give a shout out to my European ancestors, cause nada on the black side has this figure o' mine.

I'm capable of abs too... but i loathe doing 100 or more sit ups a day! i will though, as the core is vital to keep you standing upright and having it tight really does alleviate most back pain.

So, it's back to the elliptical for cardio on a reg basis, squats bla blah blah.. sweet endorphins here i come, which can only be a good thing!

Every little teeny tiny or a lot a lot helps.

2010-01-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

Every little bit helps when it comes to thinking of others...

whether you give 5 bucks, 500, 5000, blankets & socks, prayers,... it's the spirit that it's given in that matters most.

Also let us not forget that right here on the home front there's fellow human need.

I know most Americans are strapped right now, so it doesn't need to be cash when you give... maybe you have a violin you never play a kid in band could use, an old computer to donate, a beater car the kids in shop would love to tear apart or time to give to your favorite organization... any and all would be appreciated I'm sure. xx Rachel.

face book Q&A blog! (better late than... yknow the rest...

2010-01-09T03:16:00.000-08:00

Now I kinda get why wax tiger ignored the mocha.

So... Happy new Decade!
(yes btw i know were using a roman calander w/arabic numerals so no need to remind me it's not really 2010.)
many of you asked hey, watcha up to?.. i've done some film work that's in the can, but i don't know when it's out so i've been focused on writing, personal growth, and stepping back to enjoy the life I've carved out and what i'd like to accomplish next, navigating & plotting the next course... 'w/ miles to go before i sleep'...

Here goes... sorry if my answers bore you to tears... squish squish darling.

Richie Wright Phillips

hey !!!!!!!! rachelle true ?????? what's Goin On ??? richie Your LOvely Fan ??? in french Of paris My valable associate

um.. yes? not much.... er, OK.. merci?

Katherine Raymond

if you had your choice of what u would come back as after you leave this earth, what would it be?

i think i'd like to not come back...travel the stars as energy to new universes... but, if you mean like animal/min/veg....
i'm gonna have to go w/ horse.. my cousin owns a barn & riding school, i still have a horse shoe she gave me when i was like 8...

veg- er... um... spinach... covered in cheese.
mineral- er... fuck.. um.. ok.. ruby? rose quartz... diamonds are sparkly..malachite, tough to, greens not me color... um something sparkly & blue today.
lol, kathy!

Nancy Archer

How do you manage the need for exposure vs. vulnerability?

hmmn..I've learned a lot visa vi this issue as of late. i embrace and fear the Orwellian themes of the current internet.... tho i enjoy it's global community vibe.
i was described as being 'aloof' online... I don't see that,but maybe it's because i don't comment on others pages a lot. it's easier and more time efficient check my page, honestly...i have a net presence w. boundaries, which means essentially i will block a mo fo, in a heartbeat, in more ways than one.
i've never understood why people get upset when they don't get attention on web from essentially strangers. to me, the FB, twitter is all like frosh year at NYU, minus the dying of the hair to announce I'm someone new & special DAMMIT.

Lisa Renee

hey Rachel! my 12 yr old son, who luvs u, doesn't believe that it's actually u responding & posting on FB. Could u hit my inbox & let him know it's actually u? He's watching his video of The Craft...lol!

i don't actually send emails out via FB or myspace. i have tons of silly vids proofing it's me, show them to him! rachelthetrue is my youtube channel name. or show him this and tell him i said 's'up... hows school going? my fav subjects in school were English.'

Timmy Gleason

"Nowhere" was a thing of beauty!! Any plans to work with Greg Araki again?

I LOVE GREGG!!! i really hope to in the future!!!

Asani Turner

Do you have or foresee any independent projects that you would like to produce/act in on your own? Are you interested in producing your own works outside of acting? (Not sure if you have or not) Thanks!

i"m more of a writer and director than producer type... indie climate and Hollywood is going through an interesting phase right now, I hope to have a script I've written, (whether i act in it or not) seen to fruition. sooner than later. i do love living in this time of tech revolution.... making a film is easier than 10 yrs ago... getting it seen another matter.

Dennis Martin

What do you want for Christmas?

(late i know) i want for very little, i desire so very much...but on the important tip, health care, getting outta war, school arts & gym classes restored...... tha't'd be spectacular.

Brent Miller

Have you ever considered directing?

yes, working on my multi tasking.

Ray Nerd

What's the most thought provoking question you've ever been asked?

i don't remember really... i like uncovering things about others...

Jai Powell

How do you differentiate between someone that is interested in "Rachael the actress" as opposed to "Rachael the person" who just happens to be an actress?

trial & error before... now intuition is pretty accurate in that dept.

Denene Brox

What is your screenplay about and how long have you been writing?

i ca't give the plots away.. one is a coming of age piece.. another a study of characters.. I've always written, i've 'poems' from when i was 4-5...

Sean Croce

How was your day? :)

dramatic!

Rebecca Orlosky-Pecorino

What number am I thinking of right now?

sticking w/ 3, dammit.

Susan Utley Goodman What's it like to be famous and having the advantages that most will never have in their life like traveling, walking with lions, knowing and hanging out w/famous ppl? And if u were not an actor where do u think ur path in life would have lead u?

as a kid I daydream beamed myself into faerie tales, used to circle islands in the NY times real estate section at 5 yrs old, always had wanderlust... so i guess... a lot of the things i've been lucky to experience, are there for anyone... if that's what you desire. You can walk w/ lions too! i'm just a girl, who had ideas and drive...
oh, and let's be real... i'm not famous, i know people who are though, it's a part of working as an actor, so it's not extraordinary in the sense you'd think.. you'd be surprised that so & so and I play cards, or board games... or watched point break in Kuai before attempting to surf... or (insert anything mundane & normal...)

Robin Alexander

HI RACH, ITS YOUR COUSIN ROBIN, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! UNCLE DICKIE DIDNT HAVE THE REUNION THIS YEAR, THATS HOW I USUALLY KEEP UP WITH EVERYBODY. I DID GET TO SEE DAWN AND AUNT CHRIS LAST YEAR. ANYWAY HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON....

hi cousin Robin! did you know typing in all caps is called the 'Kanye shout?' hope to see you guys soon too! I haven't seen Dawn in years!

Anika Hutchinson

Is being biracial in Hollywood or in life any different than being monoracial black?

i don't know, i do know when i walk in a casting i'm 'black', not mixed...etc.

btw, i think of us as one race, human.. with ethnic variances...

George Gund

Do you have any idea how good your smile makes me feel?

; )

Patrick Mackin

Of the TV & movies that you've done, which ones are your favorites and why? What about your least favorites and why?

i loved working on Half & Half because it was 5 years of my life... to create a character over years... is a luxury. i love diff projects for diff reasons... i met Neve on the craft.. and the director Andy Fleming had been at NYU when i was a freshman so i spent the whole movie dodging any pals of his who might blow my 'teen witch' cover... and Gregg Araki, and Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle & shooting in Africa.. oh.. i can't pick.

Shannon North

What was it like working along side with Telma Hopskins who played your mom phyllis on Half&Half?

I love Ms Telma!!!! she's a scorpio and sooo fun and wise and generous......

Anika Hutchinson Another suggestion- out of the characters of Half & Half, which one is more like Dee Dee and Mona in real life?

that's pretty self evident by the casting!

Beau Prometheus Clemmons

The Craft is one of my favorite movies. Did you enjoy acting in it and would you do another horror/occult movie like it in the future? Do you share any of the Wiccan religious views espoused in the Craft?

i had a blast doing that movie... we had a pagan consultant, it was great to learn that it's mostly an earth based respect nature attitude.... the craft was just a movie...so no, i don't share it's 'occult' views... but i respect pagans as those beliefs are ancient... and i do tarot cards.... but that's more like a 'shrink in a box' than a fortune teller, when you get into it...

Rosalyn Campfield

Hello. not sure of you checked the blog idea I put on your other page's wall post-- but what is a few things that you would take back and do differently? Also, what are common mis perceptions of you- and how are you really? :)

i have learned from the highs and lows.. so i wouldn't change things.... i trust in the universe that things have and will work out the way they should....

i don't know what misconceptions there might be... i only know me ; )

& how am i? groovy.

Rosalyn Campfield

another question: what are your favorite and least favorite attributes about yourself and why? :)

i like that i'm clever, if i do say so myself.... ; ) smarts & wit was prized in my family..

um, I'd like to be less anxious as a person... i've had sleep issues my whole life, I'm working on that!

Warren C. Jenkins

LoL @ Tory. Hell naw she aint gonna answer all these questions.

what's your damage, heather?

Erick Smith

are u still cool with the cast of half and half?

much like a real family we don't see each other all the time anymore, but we love catching up! amazing group of people. Alec Mapa & i torture each other on twitter....

Susan Utley Goodman

If she says she's going to answer, then she will.

word.

Keon Tyrell Jenkins

hi rachel. what was it like working with marquita terry on the big i have a dream episode of half and half. she mistook your character for being gay and made a pass at you lol.

i don't remember that ep at all....lol, it happens... i rem the big 'something' episode w/ tamyra grey, whose character made a pass at mona, maybe you mean that one?

Derwin Augustus

any chance for a half and half reunion?or if they going to bring it back on tv?

i doubt it... it's in syndication though...

Theresa Simpson

I love your hair. What products do you use in it?

i did a blog called 'my not very helpful hair blog' some where on here.... I love Aubrey organics gpb conditioner.

Amy Blackthorn

Blessed Yule. How do you enjoy the Holidays? Family? Friends? Travel? In our family have Yule with friends, and Christmas with Immediate Family and day after with extended family.

i don't come from a huge family, you're holidays sound lovely!!

Bill Morehouse

I remember you replacing Jane Johanson in a certain musical group and you borrowing a small amp for home practice from me. little blast from the past! here's someone you'll appreciate if you get my clue....look up Tal Wilkinfeld on myspace! She's touring with legendary guitarist Jeff Beck. Man can she play! How's mom and dad and your bro Aaron doing?

A Fender precision starburst bass!!!!!!! Pops is gone, mums down south, sis has a gorgeous baby, Aarons fine... all is good! hope you are as well! and not freezing...

Rick Melvin

Since you played bass guitar, who would you like to jam with given the opportunity and what music inspires you?

i've very eclectic tastes... and haven't played in so long i couldn't jam! i wish i stuck w/ cello.. i love Bachs solo cello works, it's music for the soul.

Michelle Richardson hey rachel, are you into doing arts and crafts of any sort? i've tried painting, it's cool, but i love making jewelry. ooh, got another one...what's your favorite number and color? (ok, two lol)

i love making collages and i dig photography very very much... though i want a better bigger faster digital camera!

the other question depends on the day... or the mood.

Attica Georges

I love the photos of your apartment, they remind me of Mona's apartment. Is there anywhere online where I can see photo's of the set of Mona's apartment? I'm looking for design inspiration and I love its vibe.

i don't know re pics monas apt, google i guess.. i know they shopped at many indian and indonesian furniture spots... my dad collected antiques, so i like a mix of old, very old, and new.

Michael Celentano

What, if anything, do you feel has kept you from reaching your full potential careerwise, and lifewise?

forgetting the abundance of the universe and the human ability to create what we desire...

Bill McConnell

"If you call an orange an orange, why wouldn't you call a banana a yellow, or an apple a red?"
- Rev. Jim Ignatowski

excellent point, made by TV... Taxi, McC, Taxi.

David Jerome

Half and Half is one of my favorite shows. While I did watdh it when it was on the air, I am even more into it in reruns. I enjoy seing all of the attractive black actresses! How did the actors get along off camera? Did you and Essence Atkins hang out?

thank you we got along great... again like any real family you have squabbles over silly things.. but we were all aware that being able to be on a telly show, not to mention black and on TV w/o having to shuck, nobody telling me to sass it up.... was a gift and joy to behold.

Kareem Braxton I want to Act.....how did u get into acting?
find a class... see if you like it and have fun doing it, is my 1st step of advice... i took classes.. did free plays/ a theatre internship, performed at Williamstown Theatre festival all before moving to LA and focusing on movies...... it's not always the glamorous flossy life, so, you'd better really be consumed by the need to create a career, despite the lack of security inherent in the job. You must LOVE it, otherwise... it will grind you down. i love it. all of it. it's all i know. show folk are a breed, like circus folk. it's def not just about looking pretty. go model then.

ps- just received lovely email from an old European friend...alls i can say is-American boys, step your game up!

meme's & you you's

2009-12-14T03:17:00.000-08:00

@Rachel True sty town to thompkins sq pk library, cobblestones beneath, icey blue above, endless possibilities ahead. saturday mems of yore.

posted that on fb & twitter i think, nothing deep, just an old memory that expanded would have read something verbose like... "oh neat, I'm remembering walking from sty town alone, along cobblestones and snow to thomkins sq park library etc bla bla bla".. it was just a flickery flash memory... {flash mob meme of the mind?}

~those cobblestones made me happy as a little kid in NYC, paved over but tenaciously enduring, I could relate to them. (but then again, i thought round subway girder bolts were dinosaur eggs)... oh & that beautiful church at 2nd & 10, where Coopers buried & surrounding courtyards between buildings on E. 11th..&~

ANYWAY... some person i don't know, comments on FB..

them-you can do better, and come back dowm to earth... etc

so i'm confused, because it's my memory and all so i comment something snarky like-wow, thanks you really understand me.

them-Without critics to keep us grounded, we are nothing but floating space bunnies.

i write- 'if you're looking for grounded this may not be the page for you.' i mean, that's the truth right, i like silly riddles and um, it's the net and all so why are you critiquing me?! it seems bad form. i don't go round to random strangers pages ripping their status. why? because i don't care.and if i care, i doubt i'm dumping on person. i'm cracking a joke or saying hi.

them-maybe so, but it might help you out to return back to earth every now and then. Just look at what happened to Tila Tequila. Shes out there lingering in the alpha centauri system and showing no signs of coming home. besides, u can do much better.

now I'm really confused.. do better what, smuck?... have better childhood memories? who are you anyway? oh wait... i don't care. so finally i end it all with... the very grown up wording-

-read you latest status re 'whores'.... my parents say we can't be friends anymore. buh bye.

person tried to re friend me w/ message that i needed expletive expletive, & was too sensitive. no- i just didn't give a shit...like seriously, not my vibe. so why have that energy around me, yknow.

why write post on silly banal negativity, at all?

one more push to get others to dig you don't have to agree w/ others, think the same, (my, that'd be boring!) but...this above exchange.... is a prime example of how not to introduce yourself to a stranger in real life, or on web.

pretty standard move of 'put a person down in attempt to get attention'. that gets you blocked, you're not in grade school nor am I your mama.

when you follow & tweet only me whether nice or mean.. red flag. make some more friends, you'll like it, twitters like soooooooo much more fun that way. plus, i'm rather dull, you'll find.

when you comment on something you don't understand, before sharing thoughts that 'I must be' -xy i could give shit- might i recommend Google. it's this really neato website, and comes in super handy.

we don't all get along w/ in life or the web. being 'friends' & 'connected' etc is not an invitation to be rude... or to actually hang out.

i've commented etc people to no response ever... or maybe they have responded, but when they don't..... it's not personal towards me, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THEM, are you seeing what i'm getting at? AT ALL, LIKE EVEN A LITTLE?

i end with saying- THERE ARE SO MANY SUPER COOL PEOPLE WHO LEAVE GREAT THOUGHT PROVOKING COMMENTS, THANK YOU FOR THE COOLNESS!!!
down w/ the negativity.

Happy Holidays! True.

this i can say...

2009-12-11T19:09:00.000-08:00

having delusional stranger fixate on you, email your blog w/ lewd content, & physically follow you- could happen to ANYONE, & it’s criminal.

my point-its an amazing beautiful life, you just have to keep your eyes open along the way. being a little kid in NYC trained me well.

shout out to the police officers and detectives who help keep us all safe.

Hey December...

2009-12-11T00:13:00.000-08:00

these are the moments of Scorpio Phoenix silence...

hope you all are well, safe and sound. xx True

thanksgiving w/ every flavor. shot by my bro in law w/ his fab camera i covet.

2009-12-05T16:32:00.001-08:00

thanksgiving from Rob King on Vimeo.

found this picture on web... awww, i loved that tiny apt by the sea.. it served me well!

2009-11-19T18:00:00.000-08:00

somebody needs to get her winter hair colour on...

2009-11-17T03:54:00.000-08:00

epitome of, hmmm....

what to do w/ ones hair,

when it's curly yet not curly,

and highlights are meandering

into that shade o' blonde.

happy birthday to me.

2009-11-14T23:36:00.000-08:00

in those big birthday books everybody has, mine has 2 meanings..

the the day of the Encounter, and the day of Grace.

i look forward to many more graceful yummy encounters ♥✰✈... and i'm thankful for the gorgeous ones i've already experienced... and the awkward graceless moments, i learn and grow from every single time.

when i was a girl...i was taught to be realistic, but i spent all my time imagining, dreaming anything possible... ; )

to pair or not to pair?

2009-11-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

my friend snapped this...i see me, shy, dazed, & confused that the world keeps going by... (this is not smizing, as tyra would say) girly woman me as always, but it's like there's this view i'm missing... and it's right there in front of me...

Anyway today my twitter question was-

never married, because i never wanted to divorce. are we meant to be together a lifetime? i don't know, so i'll just be here now.
i got differing responses, mostly not regarding my query, but rather focused on marriage & projection.

@aliyasking wrote- RT @racheltrue never married, because i never want to divorce. [so don't audition bcuz you might not get the part? Or show might not last?]

my reply to her-
@aliyasking you assume too much. i didn't say i don't love... i simply questioned life long marriage.

to question the institution of marriage, (a luxury everyone should have, regardless of orientation) isn't a denial of love. the two aren't mutually exclusive. i love ♥, marriage=tax break to me though, & so many different things to different people.

SO, do you think people are meant to pair up for life?
have you experienced truly happy couples of 10 or more years? are your parents still 'happily' married?
i know a few couples like that, as well as a few i don't socialize with anymore because the lack of having each others back was palpable.
i do think some are meant to find each other and take the journey together.. I'm a romantic American girl raised on promises and the Red, Blue and Violet fairy books...
and i also believe some souls meetings are meant to be brief encounters... with lasting finger prints.

all hallows eve...rocking on w/ my Nov Scorpio self.

2009-11-01T02:17:00.000-08:00

"You're a Scorpio Water Faery"
adorable undrunk boy said. "See me when you're grown" I said with a goodbye cheek kiss. him sweetly laughing, calling, "c'mon, let me give you my num... email...?" as I walked away.(i trust if we are meant to met up someday we will, and that's a bet)
how bloody great is that for any gal, btw nice to feel 'seen,' probably cause I was relaxed, and 'appreciated', probably cause i was 'mellow' me, not wound me.
The reflection for me is-
A. how like totally fun it is to be flirty! (i know, duh) and um,
B. could learn to conquer nerves and finesse it when the stakes higher. When it's fairly innocent or 'practice flirting' I am, or can be..... lovely, smart, quick,concise, witty, (swear to god, you should see me, i'm very good at a party...)
So the goal is to become... more and more comfortable in my own skin. May require a chrysalis mayhaps built for 2, or simplyhanging upside down for a while in Dagoba swamps, to emerge a more present lady when the boy is an interesting/ interested present man. i see the work i can/have do on myself... and know it will take patience with myself & in the end probably a very specific kooky smooky cool dude who'll desire to share himself and delight in discovering layers of the true and truth.

for the ♥ of love ♥

2009-10-31T01:51:00.000-07:00

"i feel stupid, and contagious"...sums up dating.
i think it's the same way i felt at this age-----------> (look at that hair & same suspicious look!?)

i admit, I love... love.... not just it's first flush, or the subsequent heart felt flutters, or the lusty luxurious days spent exploring....,but all of it. the digging in and learning/growing, because you want to, because the person means that much, you trust you'll be safe. a great fabulous payoff is sex gets exponentially more intense the deeper you go with each other.

but quite often... i talk too much to cover my nerves with new people, which only serves to hide my intelligence.... i pick up on energy and unwittingly bring up the very thing they're sure they've hidden from sight. mostly, the dudes aren't listening anyway, and if they are they are, i'd love a dollar for every time one says " i don't want to talk, or have intimate conversation... i just wanted to blow off some steam with you" ...or in other words, 'be the image i have of you.. silent, frozen, lips slightly parted, w/ a manufactured look of desire... y'know, like your pictures, or movies...'
how do i end up in these situations.. is the real question for myself... and for you-

i will let you down... if that's all you seek from me.

go blow & fuck yourself average dude. xx True

p.s. addendendum
left this blog on the note that the question for me, is of course, what or why do i attract these dudes. that's for me to figure out, not you. i have a lovely collection of ex's btw... brilliant & talented all of them, (except the one w/the 8 pack.. but he had other attributes..)i have much respect for them all, despite their being ex's.
blog isn't a whine as much as.. the actuality of dating the usual suspects of L.A..
and let me not leave out that, just as certain men aren't for me, i've had an equal amount of men i've adored for one reason or another be, um... just not that into me. and that's life.
el fin.

totally needed this in college.... (via.. @dreamhampton) reblog from Paulo Coelho's

2009-10-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

I am not in the state below currently (thank Allah)... but i have been plenty, So, when saw this I thought what a great reminder that despite loves delight to wound, and see us bleed, it is also exquisite, joyous, yummy and oh sooooooo worth it. ♥

reblogged from Paulo Coelho’s Blog

reblogged from Paulo Coelho’s Blog

Speaking of (not my) kids...

2009-10-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

rest assured if i watch your kid, i will absolutely put kid in laundry basket o'fun at some point.

Lastly one of my curls fell across his face & you get Baby Rabbi or Rabbi Baby if we're following muppet babies lore...

kids look like the neatest thing I've yet to do... or possibly won't do.

2009-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I've done super neato stuff like this..

and other stuff, like making movies on location, travels with friends and lovers around the globe (totally awesome!)

but...

kids look like the neatest thing I've yet to do... or possibly won't do.

I'm not sure I've even played a mom, then my sister goes has a real live toy baby. Thoughts of my own indifference/ desire for children.. i've always wanted them, figured i'd have one... i just never really thought much about when etc. I trace back to childhood, (living in a podunk white Town, technically a Village) the message via the media & my own parents was- 'black girls get pregnant just looking at dudes...bla bla blabla bla bla'. that mythical over sexualized image of 'black girl' as whore continued on through college... always weird to meet a college age kid who believes jews have tails and every brown girl owes him a blow job. it all left small scabby scars, that years later, I'd open up, make peace, rub bio-oil on, and be content that I don't tend to keloid.

I totally look forward to (possibly) having a kid,and whatever encounters/ adventures the futures yet to proffer.. being here now, present in this moment is enough.

being here, right now, is gorgeous.

i learn a lot hanging with my friends & their baby loves, kids will lay some amazingly deep shit on you if you listen, some of my best teachers have been under 10

side bar- Alec Mapa and his husband J. are in the process of adopting a child, he invited me to his 'child care' classes, which i declined. I've strong suspicion he invited me in case they get a black baby and need hair help.

my sis and 8 month old True, who looks just like our dad did in baby pictures.

there's just no denying being a mother looks sublime.

sculpting, nurturing little minds looks more challenging than walking a lion.

anyone can put their own life in their 'own hands', driving, walking about town, or walking beasts...but can you put someone elses new life in your hands...i mean, that kid is not moving out anytime soon!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS- Side bar-these were some of my minds rules as a kid, bless my twisted heart

never eat watermelon in public
never eat watermelon and chicken together in public
never get stuck carrying what was called the 'ghetto blaster'
remind that one teacher to not call me Racial, goddammit.
become invisible despite/because i looked different
read lot's of books to deflect from reality of an upstate NY winter
be self depricating when scoring highest on tests or suffer the white wrath.
never call attention to self.
see above, except while on the bass guitar in 'jazz' band; go wild w/ you fender precision bass playing self, (ps. future you says what's up w/ the headbands girl!)
never ever wear bangs again (oy, baby rachel)
beinvisible -became one word for me.

I too, read books with my awesome breasts, Meghan McCain!

2009-10-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

So everyones blogged about Meghan McCain flashing her um...ta-ta's,

or cleavage in a pic on twitter, proving she's just like the rest of us... fallible, full busted and not above a tipsy twit pic.... i would have loved if this pic was ironic, though i think the way you see it, is, as she intended. You, go you republican gal. (ps. if that's moneyed hair, tighten that shit up girl, get ya roots done, and might i recommend a good deep conditioner...)
kidding aside, I think she's very smart clever & witty. She's done a NOH8 picture already, and I see a bright future in (sigh) republican politics for her. when making the talk show rounds she certainly proved she has brains to match her um.. er... twins.

my friend, bestselling author Erica Kennedy has new book out, Feminista, that you all should check out, it's gotten great reviews everywhere and reading is fundamental!

so....I thought i'd McCain it for her, tongue firmly in cheek, chest at the ready. left it in color cause that's how i roll.

why mccain it? absolutely no reason at all... we just like making 'mccaining it' a verb.

i totally know how to flip the image so you could read the books title, but i wanted to 'full on mccain it' because you deserve that. you're welcome. and yes, clearly, i as well could use a 'deep condition', and to 'get me roots done'.

what's interesting to me is... i couldn't nail the smuggy smirky! I'm an actor, for smirks sake! it's a 'to the manor born' look- OR a 'had a few to many drinkys'- OR it's 'being 20 ish',- Or it's the 'pinched smile of a republican'... that i couldn't quite duplicate.. sigh. oh well, i'll survive.

below is the link for Erica Kennedys website, she's also the author of NY times best seller Bling. her blog is chock full of fun stuff, you must check it out!

shes on twitter at @feminista09

http://thefeministafiles.blogspot.com/

ps-i get the whole look at me breasts angle, when you haven't had children, they are still toys to boys and for me, the things that keeps me out of shirts I'd really like to wear.. they've served me well though thus far. once at a breast biopsy, i said to the doc- "hey don't leave a big scar, i push these puppies up and make a lot of money on TV with them". (get your exams ladies!!!!!)

Who would i be to judge another clever cleavagey girl, with the caveat of, I probably WON'T be running for president one day... she kinda might run, and may wanna lay off too many of these pics. I'm an actor, nobody cares if i pull out the guns. ;- }

p.p.s- oh yes... musicians, authors send your cds/books and i'll mccain them for you too!

my top five words tweeted: love, know, think, good, people... (trips of the tongue)

2009-10-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

The fabulous Bassey Ikpi, ladies and gents...

2009-10-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

This, is my twitter buddy @bassyworld - Bassey Ikpi, in action in South Africa. Her talent & strength in broaching subjects often swept away, (especially by poc) is honest, visceral, inspired poetry.

Words that heal, & words that break your heart w/ naked truth. thanks for sharing them lady. (she's also hysterical w/ the tweets I might add.)

my not very helpful hair and skin blog..

2009-10-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

here's why i'm loathe to do a real blog re hair, or how to stay looking whatever...

i have no clue. no really... not a clue. besides decent dna. (shaky on the teeth dentin thing though)

yup.. it's that simple and unenlightening. i don't drink nearly enough water... i washed my face with ivory soap for most of my life...never had a facial... i don't always eat right.. (that's another blog)

i've played around w/ expensive cleansers etc only to find, anything simple, like phisoderm even keeps my skin looking fine.

after my dad passed,(while working on H&H) i went on a junk food tear, (he always called me fat, so y'know i ate the death feelings down) was totally over weight, and did get cystic acne. I cut out the crap, lost weight, embeded zits went away. surfacey teenage white heads still come and go.

the trade off to youngish skin i find is, i sweat like a crazy person, for no reason. could be hiking, or just nervous and i'm um, glowing. maybe that helps flush out toxins... i dunno... my mother looks exceptionally young... tho I inherited her early graying of the hair.

which brings us to hair.. I'm no guru! just a chick who happens to have some naturally curly hair. it's not relaxed. or permed, just wash and go, but since i dye the heck out of my hair, ( mainly because my dark natural color looks dense & blocky on camera, & to cover grey streak i inherited at 16.)

makes my hair fragile like a newborn kitten, like, it could split ends if you stare too hard.

when you see publicity or movie stills... the makeup and hair is done by professionals, cause i'm an actress and stuff....the candid pictures posted are much more true to life... i don't walk around w/ perfect curls, lit properly... i bloody wish. and in the NOH8 picture where my shoulder length hair is 3 ft long... um, hi, clip in fun hair. i don't wear for life, but i like creating illusions, it's my job. i knew fun hair would make a more striking pic for a great cause. them i unclipped it, back to the same old bob i've had since 20!

what works for my fine curls, may not work for you. my hair changed textures when i moved from humid NYC to dry CA, had to adapt...my fine hair liked humidity, where as if yours is thick, different boat.

if i want that shirley temple look that i'm too old for, but old people love on me.. i twirl curls round my finger in natural direction while damp and there you have it.

i do recommend and am paid by none-

1. olive oil... i keep some in the shower, once a week-ish leave it in for a few hours or hair, shampoo out. not a bad body moisturizer either.

2. if you're in the money- i LOVE Kerastase. too f'ing expensive though, be warned.

3. Aubrey-organics GPB conditioner. i've use it forever, their web-site is full of comments from curly hair women singing praises. i find some of products too heavy.. gpb stands for glycogen protein balancer- in english, help moisturize when needed, fills in protein when needed. google them. oddly enough, they don't target black or jewish curl girls.. you can find in heath food stores. i love their primrose tanglo gro for a spray during the day. oddly the spray for curly hair they have jus made my curls greasy & limp.

4. pure shea butter... once again i have to wash out, some of your hair make absorb it.

5.finesse made my scalp burn and hair fall out. allergic reaction, sure. but it sucked!

6. mixed chick hair products are pretty good too.

7. a good leave in conditioner, i even leave gpb in... and a good gel helps define!
8. sometimes i wet hair in showers or just in the sink with hands, run conditioner thru it, and leave in, but shampoo rarely as it's sooooo dry here.

most important remember, curls are delicate, all are different. accepting what you have and working with it is the best advice. many occasion my hair feels like brillo fyi... which usually in LA means more moisture... x true

Where the wild things are movie review and dear diary update...

2009-10-06T21:54:00.000-07:00

my vey mini movie review-

'Where The Wild Things Are' movie is very well done... delves beyond picture book images into the struggles of growing up, loneliness, admitting to, and taking responsibility for ones own actions...(y'know, stuff we big kids still struggle with...or this big kid still ponders...)
i loved the creatures realistic voices surprisingly sedate, thus letting you see the arch types clearly despite or because of muppets. i also appreciated its nebulous time setting, snow fort building is 'play', not video games and the few scenes that take place at 'home' effectively portray an alienated latch key kid struggling to fit in to his life.

Dear diary,

today i cut my nails w/ scissors, used clear lip gloss as lotion on an ashy spot at an audition, received a poetic streamy consciousnessy email from an old friend that made me smile and giggle out loud. traveled by tardis because sometimes i'd like to be there as opposed to here...need to see The Doctor. Oh, and I'm wishing dental visits had been higher on my folks list of priorities. just saying, oh so soft teeth o' mine.

PS- i have seen many many movies lately but have not made inane flip movies for you. You're welcome.

because baby elephant toes in Zimbabwe still make me smize ; )

2009-09-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

somewhere in the middle again....

2009-09-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

@rebeccawalker RT @jendeaderick Great illustr. of appeal/trap of trad role: remaining little girl, safe from ugliness, never in control. #madmen

I'm somewhere in the middle... have a younger-ish energy, according to people who meet me...the desire but not quite fully realized ability to rock a suit like a grown up, and yet, I'm grown, oh so very grown... and my safety is in the now, not the past or a childhood dreamtime of living amoungst faerie folks or characters in books to escape the then...

check out the Carrie Fisher repost below...as an actor, but also as a woman i relate .... when someone comments 'you look tired'.. or what they want/expect from me..... i think.. when did i make anyone a promise to stay frozen in time at 25...and who asked you anyways stranger what you desire from/of me?

me and my no botoxing etc ass are quite comfortable with ourselves,how we look, what we do.... ayup, pulled out the royal 'we'. True

reblogged from http://carriefisher.com/?p=462

Weight AND Wisdom! By Carrie • Sep 6th, 2009 • Category: News

I thought that I’d forgotten one of the things I was thinking of writing about, but now I remember………at least I think I do…… One thing is that I foolishly Googled myself last nite—–because the Enquirer has been trying to get me to confirm some asinine thing I said as a bad joke AGES ago, & I wanted to see if had shown up somewhere—- which it hadn’t—– until now, when I stupidly call attention to this non event here——- ANYWAY—–in the process of searching, I found that someone had posted that I USED to be hot, but that now I looked like Elton John. As much as I attempted to place myself above the reach of this observation……
I must admit that…..yup……. This ended up hurting my feelings—–all 7 of them.
You see, I was hot when most people are hot—- in my fucking 20’s & part of my 30’s……THEN, in an effort to imitate humans, I had a child &, to further maintain my life like disguise, I took medications for about 9 thousand years, &, despite all my efforts, I continued to get older & older——inadvertently, I assure you———-I tried to arrest my development physically as WELL as emotionally, but unfortunately without as much success. I also must confess that I ate food. I’m sorry….. I realize that I promised never to eat anything but lettuce & sun flower seeds, but tragically, I was unable to keep my promise.
Yes, I realize…..I KNOW that I vowed to exercise for 3 hours a day—-aerobics, pilates AND yoga, but alas, I admit with a large quota of shame, that I failed to fulfill this other important commitment.
NO, I shouldn’t look as if 30 years have passed. I understand completely if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me for looking like 3 decades have passed…….Of COURSE you should mock & belittle me for being so large!! What else could you POSSIBLY do?????!? I’ve let you down by treating my body as though it were just some giant sad sack that I use to haul my personality around. You have every right to compare me to Yoda or Elton or Kirstie…….I’ve brought it on myself.
But here’s this thing that I found myself wondering………what the fuck do YOU look like??!
I know i don’t really have the right to ask……I’m a public figure——Ive made an unspoken contract to keep that figure slim…….but still, I find myself wondering…….See, I think the folks that insult & mock celebrities who DARE to pack on ten pounds or—–God forbid——MORE than ten!…..I would think it only fair that they post a photo of themselves along with their poisonous observations! And you know what else would be SUPER cool??? Their IQ! ALL the numbers! An approximate count of Weight AND wisdom!
And as a teeny aside—–my show on Broadway is not about my appearance. Oh sure, I’m killing myself trying to lose weight before I open so I won’t offend any theater goers eyes while attempting to entertain them via their ears…… But just in case I don’t achieve my goal of keeping my promise to look 25 & instead manage to remind you of bulbous slugs or gay, iconic musicians……..
I’d like to take this opportunity to offer this quasi poignant explanation & to say to those of you I’ve visually offended…… from the bottom of my heart encased in fat——-
BLOW MY BIG BOVINE tiny dancer COCK!
We now return to our regular programing……
XxOoCf

Tagged as: Add new tag, Broadway, Elton John, Kirstie Alley, weight loss, wisdom, Wishful Drinking

oh yeah, more driving w/ Rachel.

2009-09-18T13:18:00.001-07:00

Click To Play

that honesty twitter thingie bot

2009-09-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

people can post their thoughts fairly anonymously....it's called the entire internet.

that cloak of safety isn't enough anymore for some... i knew on FB there was an honestly box.. because there'd be these things like "do you wanna know if anonymous thinks you're a good kisser" ... and i'd be like 'no, um, i don't...not really.'

recently on twitter i got a few posts from an anonymous bot... "someone thinks you're xyz" w/ xyz being a not so nice opinion about me.

thoughts-

scenrio A- if it's someone i actually know they'd feel comfortable expressing it to me in front of me, yup... even the hard stuff... it's what we do.

scenario B- a strangers who have desire to connect.. hiding behind their own avatar, isn't enough safety anymore.... they 'want' more....including one more layer of protection for themselves. i picture a bunch of really unhappy folks to be honest.... wanting more and more and more, trying to grab a piece.... of something they can't touch... and it threatens them... why would anyone want to suck another's energy?

I'd encourage one to worry less about me, and to focus on yourself and to finding own light... everyone has one...right? you'll find it so much more empowering than focusing on people you don't know.

I also receive a great amount of incredibly funny insightful intelligent fb comments, tweets, expanding on themes brought up, i appreciate they don't try to analyze me... thank you ever so much for that.... it's all just puzzles and word games anyway....xx true

the right wrong-part of article from huffington post by Sasha Cagen

2009-09-17T01:38:00.000-07:00

i'm posting this because while it seems to focus on negative, i think it more just states a reality. no need to lower expectations, but realize... everyone including ourselves comes w/ stuff... can you deal w/ someones stuff... and help them, and vice versa... i like thinking of relationships as partnerships... because you do wanna gaze lovingly at your dude and think 'wow, a human w/ foibles, but i wanna/gotta have me some of this yum yum. their issues may rub you the wrong way, or inspire you to see the gift of reflection in what's bugging you... hopefully the latter.

'-Andrew Boyd wrote book called Daily Afflictions: The Agony of Being Connected to Everything in the Universe. One of the daily afflictions is “Loving the Wrong Person.”

Andrew writes, “We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. . . it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that you’re ready to fine a life-long mate. Only then do you finally know what you are looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you can gaze lovingly upon, and think, ‘This is the problem I want to have.’'

tripping the super funkadelic light fantastic way to end of universe instead of tripping down hole in front of me. ayup.

2009-09-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

or shit- Mercury is like sooooo in retrograde.

it's a choice right?.... whether you fall into the abyss from fea or sadness, or steer the course of your life, starting with your mind, in another direction... get in your own tardis, of which you are your own time lord, circumvent, navigate the stars...

it's been one of those times when i have to admit Mercury in retrograde is kicking my ass... i've really been feeling it.....and my electronics, which i've lways had a convoluted relationship with, are indeed breaking down more. All communications have been tricky.... a misplaced word taken out of context... even thinking too loudly can be heard...

i wished to be invisible for a moment..mostly cause i saw this abc prime time special about hitting kids, and the effects it has... reminded me i'd pretend as a kid (and older) i didn't exist so i wouldn't call attention to myself, but also so Iwouldn't have to pay attention to myself.... That behaviour may have been a tool to survive then, but dimming shine now only leads straight to staring in to the abyss, and me blinking first, which is not so much my style.

the business i'm in is about singing out, in showing off, showing in, shining. shining on cue as a matter of fact.

personally i love my shine, i loved it as a kid.... even got some of that steven king kinda shine, but that's another blog.... both kinds have helped me chart my path many time..

there will be an answer... let it be... as the Beatles and a friend reminded me. Still sorting the questions i think....
PS-i really hate that RWR died almost a year ago now. i so get the soul moves on.. and his energy /soul is fine. i'm whining, yes i'll admit it... whining for me, our mom, his bride.. all of it, i still think it's freaky that was the 1st funeral i ever attended. ahh...there will be an answer, let it be.

cards, ripe with hidden meanngs..

2009-09-15T22:41:00.000-07:00

readings like this simply remind you if you're open, and feeling it... anything can happen... DEPENDING on your choices... the bends in the road can be so tempting!

ah, but i also got the tower and wheel of fortune...... that means there may be a foundation rocking change, good or bad, the wheel spins, and where it stops nobody knows, these cards came before the others... so i'd assume it means, eyes open to what the wheel of life proffers...just options and thing s to mull over...t hat's really why i like cards.. no easy answers, just things to meditate on, like even if you know nothing about cards... it's about what the images trigger for you depending on your situation... oh i do so love a good puzzle!

message from one of my fav ex's received today....

2009-09-13T21:32:00.000-07:00

many moons ago in Holland w/ a poet

"when will you seek out the poet? Piers plays at Hotel café LA on the 23rd just so you know darling.
how are you? great to be in touch with the beauty India from hollywood, lets do a catch up some time. am in paris - been and done lots you know.... big sloppy kisses and strong hugs to you my girl, Dom."

i still have such affinity for this serious minded brooding writer and poet...we met in college.. NY dimly lit memories.... He's always been a man about town, so the 'sloppy kisses' part, one takes with many grains of salt, as it's undoubtedly the way he signs all emails... but who doesn't dig/need/appreciate strong hugs and love from old friends in far away lands... we still circle back to each other with ease and interest in who we've evolved into... so there, men and women can be friends.

You must must check out Piers Faccini, his totally talented singer/songwriter brother, on itunes, especially KCRW fans! and if in L.A. check out his show at Hotel Cafe on 23rd in Hollywood. Ahhh, those Faccini bothers.. such a talented a lot.

in the forgetting/remembering room...

2009-09-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

All sorts of lovely magic up in here, i've read tarot cards for a long time, before the craft, which is why when that script came around i fought for that part, and willed it to happen... you say pray.. i say will.. it's just semantics, really.
Anyway people say i'm pretty good at it... i like them less for 'fortune telling, or future telling' and more for a reflection of where you are now, what's lingering, good or bad... and maybe some options...

it's kind of like a shrink in a box really... you'd be amazed at how the same cards come up over and over if you are dwelling on one particular thing or stuck in a pattern. the archtypes on the cards show you... are the same ones say, Joseph Campbell, breaks down in his books.... nothing devily here, it's simply you taping in to your own intuition.. or tapping into 'gods plan' if that's a more palatable way to phrase it...

once at a deli, i heard this voice inside say.. take the other sandwich, not the first one. i heard it, but still took the first. When i got home, there was a big juicy bug in it. and all i could do is giggle and say.. ok, next time i listen you lil' voice.
have you ever heard that little whisper so slight you might miss it, saying turn here instead of there... and you miss the accident you witness in rear view mirror... just intuition.

Be it friend, lover, repair man choice, pet, etc.. i go off energy... and sometimes get fooled, but usually later i remember the whispery truth i'd blatently ignored, because i let desire/want, rather than what i needed, take over.
oy self control... can't get that out the cards... but they can remind me when i need to take back the reigns, start carving path i want, instead of wandering the Elysian fields aimlessly.

one o' my fav tweets

2009-09-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

from the amazing @dreamhampton....

dreamhampton@racheltrue the wide winged witches we are!

i love this, and retweeted it to day to remind me that the power is always within ones self.... sometimes i am human and forget.

paraphrase of a non date or my folly sans ice.

2009-09-12T01:36:00.000-07:00

"you're taking this like a girl" he said.
"i am a girl" i say.
I crack a joke. to break the tension - "how many times a week do you say that to the ladies" as dude from out of town puts on his watch and gathers up his belongings....

"don't be mean" he said.

"huh?" i say...

"you just implied I'm a man whore". he's annoyed.

oops, me and my scorpio mouth, i guess. or was that his defensiveness matching my own?

hadn't been my intent, joke was clearly on/about me, and my folly of thinking... thinking fun innocent making out all afternoon with someone neat meant you go to dinner together afterward. i mean we'd done dinner before....

never assume.

"i can't... i can't be this intimate (emotionally, now)" he says truthfully.
"well", i stutter "you don't like the phone and I don't think we're gonna get too intimate, via emails/texts..."

he shrugs that this is true. he's already gone away mentally, just flesh standing before me now.

Because I ♥ awesome me, (that's how i roll), I know with some patience i'll prob get all I desire, romantically. (not from this chap necessarily)
"I... want intimacy, so don't be surprised if i have to disappear then." i say.

another shrug of... agreement.

a slight sadness now... i didn't want to fade away from he who is already gone....but ambivalence from men is never a great sign, or empowering... and um, he's already gone....

"women see intimacy as talking, men see sex as a way to be intimate... not that i expected you to sleep w/ me today". he'd said earlier.

i believe that actually. Some men/women do see intimacy as what you share after sex..

Maybe we'd gravitated towards the other, because we were, after all, a safe flirt. he lives away- safe. i'm not an easy girl- safe. i'd wanted to get to know him more.... I guess i did sans words in the weird goodbye at the door, no look back from either party.
He's quite lovely actually, ....even with evident relief, indifference dotting his aura.

The upswing of this all is.... if someone doesn't fit you or dig you,that's O.K., it's about what you want after all. I want to be thought of as lovely, because i am. I'm also an American girl raised on promises and fairy tales, so maybe dude and i will fit at some point, or y'know, not. either way is cool.. because life's just like that.
Having a reaction to a man emotionally shutting down while you watch... doesn't make me a "girl", means i'm not numb. or dumb. I'm present, and i'll look/wait patiently for the smart, funny one not put off by, or scared off by me.

each encounter, albeit brief or way too long, has it's merits and leads to the dude that doesn't walk away sans vittles. the one who isn't so quick to put his watch on.

more German....

2009-09-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

Survival phrases 5

1. Du bist süß. = You’re cute.

2. Du bist hübsch. = You’re pretty.

3. Du bist schön. = You’re beautiful.

4. Du bist heiß. = You’re hot.

5. Du bist sexy. = You’re sexy.

I ♥ their blog. true

reblogged from GermanHeit
@germanheit on twitter

ps.... cause i can't sleep and all...

2009-09-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

i kinda heart this picture near craft service from a movie i was in.... um, i don't remember my characters' name actually... so i'll call her the chick from a movie i did w/ taye digs.... was called mary janes last dance, then came out under 'new best friend'.. it's a silly movie in the end, and the middle... but was one of those neat actor eperiences, you're on location for 2 months, away from all distractions of home... getting paid to play in front of a camera.

we shot in N.C, and before filming started, i wandered round town, into a clothing store, where rather promptly, i was asked would you like to be in the 'ethnic' fashion night this week.. um, 'no' i mutter... putting back the blouse i'd been holding so i can pull out my 'i'm black but i'm totally here shooting a movie' card.

then I end up in a store full of good old rebel south & Natzi memrobilia, always touching combo btw... i get out alive and forge forth to one more store.... a NY retired jew running a card shop, so lovely, welcoming and safer.. because for a moment i'd felt unsafe, by myself, weird feeling, i don't often feel.

anyway, back to why i like this pic... i was playing college.... and y'know i wasn't at all in college...

my buddy Dom Swain on movie was 18, a hooot, & i spent many a day in the arcade w/ her acting silly, because the director had said on the 1st get together... 'look at my cast, nobody over 25" so y'know us actors, we are whatever you want us to be in a movie... definitely not in REAL LIFE tho fyi...

this pic to me- captures me playing someone, whose playing someone else in a movie... carrying a secret in my eyes, and loving it.

a sideways glimpse

2009-09-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

I made a 'dry' comment about having a job that allows me to disassociate and take risks... i'm reiterating the dry part because of a comment under that blog,(truth in advertising).... along the lines of 'oh that must be how you played a lesbian in a movie or 2.. '

i don't actually disassociate. that would be mentally unhealthy. to live to breathe, to function as a full human, to act, you must be grounded in your body, it's the instrument in my particular job. that was a blog about actually remaining present in your body, and conquering fears when the stakes are high, like when you're testing for a movie w/ so and so, or standing next to a not tame lion.... thus the before and after shot. one is pure fear.... the next is someone settled in and confidant. well, confidanter. if i do say so myself.

i also did not 'disassociate' to play a bisexual or lesbian chicks in a few movies.. i like men personally, but sexuality is sexuality, full stop, so it was simply about taping into..... sexuality. (and the director made us practice kissing cause we were giggling too much). we shot it when we were grounded enough to play the scene.

Btw, that's why i love acting.... the chance to get in the mind of people different that me.

i love that people read and or comment, and i really appreciate that people relate to characters i've played.... but this isn't a blog about what you think I think, it's a place to relate your stuff, .....and if tweeting German or blogging curse words upsets you, maybe me blogs not for ye.
it is for me.... that much is True.

im Abschluss

2009-09-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

Es war ein Scherz Sean Penn, und könnte sich als nützlich sollten Sie sich von einem asshole auf Berlin konfrontiert kommen.

and on other note....
Tennis' New All-American Sweetheart: Seventeen-year-old blond phenom Melanie Oudin has taken the U.S. Open by storm...

how much i would have love for either of the Williams sisters to have been described in such (minus the blonde) when they were teen phenoms... not to take away to all from Oudin. she's an exciting new addition to a sport i love. i just wanna be described, for once, as all american too.

useful german phrases

2009-09-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

10 ways to say "F*** off!" in German

germanheit:

1.) Verpiss dich!
2.) Verzieh dich!
3.) Mach die Fliege!
4.) Mach dich vom Acker!
5.) Zieh Leine!
6.) Hau ab!
7.) Schleich dich!
8.) Mach dich weg!
9.) Fahr zur Hölle!
10.) Scher dich zum Teufel!

Reblogged: germanheit

my friend Mapa & i tweet less in german, than a combo of german, mangled with english... if you want to know how to say hello, there are a million translators..

the thing about having a blog is i say what i want, cause it's me blog.. if offends you.. so be it, and let's agree to disagree, shall we?

Carpathian mountains anyone?

2009-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

almost a full moon... it's super saturated with secrets this one.. Bet my long gone never known gypsy great grandmother would've gotten it to spill it's bounty in light whispery strings. Alas, i am not her...though her unknown-ness tingles my imagination...

What was she like... Was she clever, revered, reviled?... i've decided/ will pretend she was a grand feminesta of her time with castle/moat combo i covet so much. that's what i do with family I've never met. or maybe it's just collective cosmic memory rearing up... but, when i have my castle, and it maybe in Scotland, cause they're cheaper there... after the central heating is installed... i'll say i told you so, but my friend said- no need, i'm confidant you'll get one... but yup, i digress.

My Dad ws any only child, i only met his mother once, which turns out was enough...she was old and sad; i wanted to buy/get her a dog so she had something to love & receive love from. So very shriveled was she from its deprivation. She declined the dog, in retrospect she might have made coat out it, so alls well that ends well....
in dreams you can see the soul sans the frailties of this human personality, and these unknown woman with their eastern european lineage and resiliance fascinate me (do they roll in their grave at me, this bohemian brown girls, or look on w/ curiosity & delight?)

Must more eastern european countries on my travel list..

some places, like Greece, i've been twice or more others still my on my to get to list...

Machu Pichuu/ Peru
Egypt
Turkey
Hungary
and any/ all of Asia...

ramblings on rumi-nations

2009-08-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi
ok... i love this one it, so open and trusting... trust is based off actions, not words...

I will admit to finding Hollywood, a small intricate fantasy filled city, a sabotagey community... sprinkled with roses i tend as precious as le petit prince did his one..

it's a city that can be an Oscar Wilde smiths 'we hate it when our friends become successful kinda place..' i imagine it's quite the same in any field actually..

i miss the straight forwardness of NYC, in your face there (as i recall), here they smile in your face, all the while....
And yet, i do love this city and call it home, it's physical beauty entwined with the heavy armor one needs for protection here... i'd put it down.. but it serves me well... at times.
i will now demonstrate my perception of LA by performing 'this town' from the 80's band the gogos.( you should now totally picture me singing & dancing to this offish key...)

This Town by The GO-GO's

'We all know the chosen toys

Of catty girls and pretty boys
make up that face
Jump in the race
Life's a kick in this town
Life's a kick in this town
CHORUS
This town is our town
It is so glamorous
Bet you'd live here if you could
And be one of us
Change the lines that were said before
We're all dreamers - we're all whores
Discarded stars
Like worn out cars
Litter the streets of this town
Litter the streets of this town

song still stands up for what LA can be, if you look the wrong way. i've very recently switched views; not only did it help crick in my neck, i appreciate the people i can sit/lie in silence with. no babble, no actress/business person, no anxiety, just pure trust. that's love. that's godhead as Gregg Araki would say back in the daaayyyy....

Rumi rumination

2009-08-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

"Observe the wonders as they occur around you. Don't claim them. Feel the artistry moving through and be silent." - Rumi

The way you make love is the way God will love you -Rumi

" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi

these have been running through my brain.. to be patient, in silence and have infinite faith.... oh, and to know that making love compared to having sex- is seeing god.

to learn to dance gracefully in the rain, with patience and love.... these resonate for my life path...
have you ever found yourself staring at the same old thing, trussed up in a spiffy new package? no matter how shiny, i like that these days that i spot it sooner... than later... so i try to quiet myself, feel the movements around me.... things change on a dime when you're open to your intuition.
less and less of the takers get through... almost like they don't exist.. there's a comfort in that.

'the way you make love..' -is it to fulfill the base desire, or is it about a cosmic connection... both are completely valid and human. i find sometimes the bigger the stakes.. heart, vulnerability.... the greater the sex. though nothing wrong w/ hedonism if that's you're bag.... just my preference.

to lie in silence, with a friend, ahhh heaven.

I've been really drawn to getting a tattoo lately.. what's that about?

vlog- film critic pals, bad movies and/or the average day in LA, sans glitz & sleep.

2009-08-28T22:25:00.000-07:00

for those of you who were like- more you in vids...here's plenty o' me doing nothing... on not enough sleep. probably sorry you asked right about now huh? pretty good proof i'd bore the F outta you

i disagree... respectfully w/ thee Nietzsche.

2009-08-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

"The lie is a condition of life." - Friedrich Nietzsche

maybe the above is a truism, when you really mull it, i mean sure, right?...
but i can't breathe under such restrictions...
for better or worse I've always spoke the truth... 'disconcerting little thing' to adults, i was as child, stripping the emperors clothes off without awareness... yet so sensitive was i to the truth, i must've known somewhere the effect words & a look can have.... even then.
now, i know when to hold my tongue, or to parse it with truthful gentle compassion..it's a more graceful way, clumsy girl/woman that i am.
the truth will always be the most seductiveturn on in the world for me... well, that and humour.. oh and a brilliant mind, and...

to do, or have done list.

2009-08-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

lick Alec Mapa, have massage gift certificate, money from far and wide, and tarty pic of self at the ready. oh and somebody suggested dancing pantless in copious amounts of foam in foreign country. fair enough.
i made this a blog cause a real friend on the FB said and i quote "rachel: that is by far the weirdest post i have read yet. Bravo!"

secret this & health care.

2009-08-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I'm aware i know a very little teeny tiny bit about a lot...still love learning and listening, I'd give that the big ups to staying young at heart btw...
along those lines I wish people who'd watched 'The Secret', via endorsement from Oprah- would've done follow up reading and realized Secret was a truncated version of concepts culled from great writings, cleverly repackaged for Americans @ '97.

At some point you have to go deeper than saying to your buddies or self when the shit hits the fan, 'well, you must have attracted the negative to you'. that's only a part of the whole, and comes off patronizing. It's about 'what shall i do now', which path next to attain my dreams, not 'this is all fault' that's um, negative thinking right? not to mention, what happened to compassion for self or others in this equation?

Babies and virgins being raped to "cure" adults of hiv, ink stained fingers cut off for voting, arms hobbled for the western diamond market, kids in sex slave trade market,ARE NOT souls guilty of attracting that particular negative fate. geography seems to play a bigger part frankly.

so hopefully we all go deeper than - little bobby wants a bike, cuts out pictures of said bike, sulks long enough, finally gets bike from grandpa because he thought 'it '. we do give life with our thoughts, positive or negative... but in my world- lil bobby could of mowed some lawns and helped himself out, get some dosh, and gotten the bike a whole lot sooner, by helping himself. not just asking... but asking with intention and doing what you can to help the butterfly wing ripple up change.

so this made me ponder that:
I'm as confused as american re the health care mess/debates.. it's just weird to see poor people fighting it so hard. To 'hate' the President of only 8 months, who by all appearances is trying his hardest to work out the huge pile of crap, dumped in his lap by 8 yrs of bush, seemed misplaced anger. BTW hells yeah, i wrote of everything Bush allowed, now i can't...That's all right, it's now fairer to the average bear, in fact. wouldn't it be nice if it was less about I, more about WE, and we as a people coping with growing pains of adolescent America?... or, um, like shouldn't it be?

why all the twitter hate for Pres Obama? why are people who need health care in usa the most!? busy making posters of our Pres w/ a hitler moustache.... seems a waste of energy to me.

why is that so scary all these years after Hillarys attempt? is it the semantics of phrase socialized?
Even stupid people who pay their cable bill, buy a ps3 & video games first before taking themself to the doctor when sick because it cost too much, will benefit. and nobodies ganna kill your grandma or unborn babies under ANY plan. why the surge campaign of screwing self and others out for losing needed medical care?

insomnia, writing, coffee, bad spelling, life.

2009-08-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

face of insomnia, grey streak i've had since sixteen, included.

Had the most intense two weeks of creative day and insomniac nights writings followed by silly bouts of tweeting... sometimes you go with what is... even as sleep calls, and the hours and days blend.
It was, for me, amazing to feel/see words unfold into another...
inspiration, instead of my own clumsy forced hand. not saying the words are perfect yet.. the action of creating was divine, and after a mid summer malaise, just the ticket out of the doldrums...
writing uber personal stories, created for yourself, but possibly for public consumption, is scary. that's why i've always appreciated a good singer/songwriter. not only do they write the words, they then perform them. acapella sometimes.
i remember losing muy respect points for a guy i'd dated when he told me he didn't care to do a singer in the round type thing ever, because he needed his (cover?!) band behind him to fully feel his sexuality. huh? (i digress, i feel you should just be your artist self... not be the image of what you think an artist is..)
creation is at it's most beautiful, raggged, bare and stripped of the pretty garnish we sweeten the soundtrack with.
ps. i really dislike brittany spears' voice, it's akin to a soprano sax to my ear. catchy pop, tho.

pps...i 'm in my over rewrite stage on a few things. i encourage you to finish any creative projects you've left half finished or never started.... and if you already do thid w/ aplomb, you get to feel superiour, and i am but a gopi in adrift, at sea.

now i am drained. like this bee... he looks like he's got that end of summer thing going on, don't ya think?

hubbang inub thubbre buubee

girl fight, not really.

2009-08-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

Years ago when I lived in a super cute NYC sized apt, in a sweet lil' artist colony Venice courtyard building, I met one of my earlier LA friends.
I had a coveted 2nd floor apt, (there were only 3, to the buliding 12 units), was outside on terrace painting a table, and a small voice said, hi, i'm so and so, want me to help... and then we were just always friends...years past filled with new friends and snips and quips, laughter and disagreements, but mostly laughs, y'know the usual friend stuff.

while our friendship had drifted, we went to dinner a few days after I'd tested for the sitcom i'd eventually do. i'm kept mum about auditioning ..(as and actor to cope you just realize, fuck it, until i'm on the set holding the script w/ a year pick up, or this movie is a GO... none of this is real)i digress, such a lazy writer i am...

ok back on point. after that night, and major events, ie getting the job, a network pick up, starting, working, dad dying, general life.. despite trying to get in touch on my part for like y'now 6-9 months, i never ever heard from her again...

cut to like last fall-
a random text from her (after 7 yrs)... sorry your brother died. (fair enough, me too.)
i sent one back... thanks.
followed a few months later by an email invite to a holiday party. (weird, what's in it for me?)
so like a big girl whose been through therapy:
i sent her an email saying- i really loved our friendship, I'm as shocked as anyone we're no longer friends, buti don't feel comfortable going to party. Acknowledged she had every right to not need/want my friendship way back when for valid reasons, behaviours i had, and have thankfully have grown out of.
her email- "can we just be friends now.... i just thought you wanted a new life and friends"

OK- that's when the bullshit meter when up, hold up lady, me reaching out in the void isn't act of someone desperate to moving on to a new life and friends.
i don't change when i get work. Even work on a great comedy proving groud of a money pile sitcom gig, I'm practical gal. that is the life of the artist, the ups and downs... (-although my friends did have to tell me to talk in door voice, and every sentence doesn't need a button.) (shame spiral)
it's like just say YOU wanted a different life w/o me in it.. that's fair enough and the truth. i'd buy and forgive that for a dollar.

i write back with an email signed 'your would be friend'... 'i just needed a small convo re past... and i have acknowledge my foibles to you... just need to know why you split just when things got good for me, and resurface when you perceive things to be....?'

I never heard back from her.
that's an OK thing, it shows me who my tribe is. Deart god, it's me margret- why do girl friendships have it this rough? xx True
2 sides to every story btw, to be sure.

ok-i have no stake in this at all-

2009-08-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

(CNN) -- Jennifer Aniston appears resigned to the single life, if an interview in Elle magazine is any indication. Jennifer Aniston poked fun at her love life at an awards event this year.

"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it," Aniston said in the September issue, according to a excerpts released by the magazine.

"I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room," she said of her rocky post-divorce love life. "It's fine. I can take it."

I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I'm doing and my life off-screen," It started with 'The Good Girl,' then of course 'Rumor Has It,' followed by 'Derailed.' Then there was 'The Break Up.' If any of you have a project entitled 'Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,' I'm at table 6!" she said. "I can make fun of myself, and I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."

A. no actor of her fame just 'happens' into victimey roles, after being cast as 'victim' by press. A stars team makes very calculated moves. From 'the break up' to 'he's just not that into you' these roles were chosen to craft or embellish an image... just as Angie's team does for her... thus the powerful 'action' woman roles she takes. Even if it's a silly movie, she holding a gun, because that's her 'image'. Jen, by contrast has been been holding a box of tissues, thus reinforcing her image as the wounded.

So the reason this pushes my buttons has NOTHING to do w/ her as a person at all.
i mean really nothing.... i have total sympathy for her losing a love. but i know.... You move on, right?

It brings out/reminds me of my own whiny inner child that still cryies victim...- 'hey look at me, i went through this...'. not really a warriors stance.

i've worked spiritually a lot on not being/playing a victim (unless i'm acting and getting paid)I had to, or I'd never have gotten an acting job in the 1st place, or any of the things i dream up for myself.
Now, what others think of me is their business... what i reflect for them has nothing to do w/ me, as what jen reflects to me, has nothing to do w/ her.

that said, I'm big on truth, or at least a clever spin. I find her quips banal, sculpted, and weirdly untrue. nobody, but nobody, not even pretty pretty Jen wants to be the poster girl for saddies.

blurbs from inner space

2009-07-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

from www.tweetstats.com twitter cloud... funny to see all those random words thru line...
My top five tweeted words: think, know, love, people, good.

old pic's and new...t less scary than BW spiders?

2009-07-28T02:33:00.000-07:00

ah youth and the poses we strike... struck... 'beautiful posers'... who said that rufus wainwright?
i am not this anymore...but there's something freeing about posing w/ abandon... why i like taking pic's of moments, be they people, objects or well.. insects..
a womans sexuality matures in a lovely way.. now it's fully clothes and a look is enough, but for posterity, nice to have... being an actress and all.
... the singer from hazy fantazy took them... (do you know 'shiny,shiny').... why am i still awake??? sometimes the night is my salvation.. tonight, eh? just a distraction form past thing surfacing...that happened around time of this shoot... i am a therapists dream, but i ee the patterns & to recognize and acknowledge is half the battle...xo true

this is more me now... not the glam dressed up me... just me, no team of stylists or primpers.... thinking- 'oh must fix the hole where the rains gets in, wish my central air worked, wonder why are spiders over taking my yard, why did i receive an email w/ a pic of a very old beau, i loved, then a phone call from a different boy i haven't seen in almost as long, should i get my tire pressure checked, does it need a smog, are my sprinklers still leaking?
also, how beautiful my sunflowers are, how i love my garden.... how many amazing people i've encountered, known, loved,how fortunate i am to be a able to take care of of me, i think you get picture. still kinda the glam life, and still me... after all these years, and that's w/ no make up...and a head full of riddles...
p.s. i call this pic- which way did they go?

love, then dinner for one...

2009-07-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

smaller spider to the left in pic, i believe is the male widow. he's totally trying to get it on, despite chances of survival being VERY slim after said mating... oh men and their need to sire.... nature is so complex... even the nature right under our feet. maybe she eats him after mating, because as every newish mother i know has said- you might as well just do it yourself, for all the help your man gives you in the first six months..... that made me crack up. not so much the new mothers... and of course, i know wonderful new dads as well....

stuff the night is made of...

2009-07-25T07:07:00.000-07:00

(turn music player off on side of page, before playing any video...simple solution)

maybe this explains the spider thing... because they're bloody everywhere. upstate NY ones were chunky round, harmless tho intimidating things, not dangerous just robust...
tho i must admit to being held hostage by water bug in a loo at age 7 during E 11th st NYC block party... out here in LA they call them palmettos bugs.. a giant flying hissing roach by any other name is still vile... and regular city roaches... crawling cross me while i tried to sleep, yuck- roaches will always remind me of my E. 10th street childhood...
my stepmother used to say seek and ye shall find, re bugs etc... it's not like she was wrong....but i wasn't seeking... i think they seek me...

spiders have always fascinated/repelled me... the 1st weavers of the world really, that's why i like shooting their pics.... so beautiful and fill of myth, but this lot is so very dangerous for friends kids who come and wanna play innagaddadavita.... don't wanna kil them but faced w/ infestation... so much nicer when we coexisted w/ nature more gracefully..... i hate killing things... my land is not a killing zone... or is it? sigh.
ps song is Bela Fleck 2 prt invention num 13.

haterade w/ a side of defamation of character, please.

2009-07-22T11:16:00.000-07:00

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "ohhh, this too too solid flesh...":

geese, this doesn't surprise me at all about you. Had to put a half naked picture up to get blog hits. Heard you was a freak anyway, can't keep a man, plus a severe weed head, and a chain smoker and you borrow hell of money from mad people for coke. What was it $700.00 in Mexico? Going around talking about other people when the people you think are your friends are talking shit about you. Not judging you, just letting you know. You are waaaaaayyyyy to old for the foolishness. Hollywood got you fucked up girl big time. Hope you can find somebody not jaded & turned out to help you get it together because your shit stinks.

sorry you feel that way anonymous...perhaps you should go into fiction writing w/ your imaginative prose.... 'chain smoking, coke/ weed head...' - ah, yes, clearly it's living that sort of life that's keep me working as an actor and looking just fine... your projections of/on me are silly.
... if YOU have drug problems, i urge you to get help for what seems to be a serious problem. i didn't allow your comment to be published under blog, felt this misguided behaviour needed to be addressed out in the open.....
if anything, evokes such a visceral reaction in you, it's your own head you should dig into... why does something push your buttons so.....
it's time to grow... i would urge anyone in a funky victemy space... to.... go long or go home.... delve into what's really going on w/ yourself, and you'll flourish...

so, in summation- if you don't like me, don't visit my blog or follow me on twitter/ fb. it's as simple as that. to the rest of you lovely people, thanks for your comments and for checking in...

flat iron this, beyotch.

2009-07-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

to get to point A➜ ?, I've gone Q -W-H to get to B & continue to travel the unknown universe. sometimes w/ a flatiron. beyotch.

ok translation cause i get a lot of 'what you talking about? i have no idea, you are so random comments....
(back story) i put up a pic on twitter of myself w/ straight, and the consensus was curly by a mile.... almost became a don't abandon your naturalness, sister debate....

MY reality as an actor is to play characters...not myself. Hollywood deems straightened hair as more educated, a lawyer, wife etc...
Shirely Temple curls do not always have desired effect, & having the same do since i was 5... natural curls are not, can be (great, but) monotonous.

it's the chess moves we all have to make, to work w/in, w/o the systems and conventions of our chosen field, it's a delicate war balance to be an artist, who makes a living...while maintaining sanity....you also have to be a business person, so you may have to bend or sway.. but never break!

sometimes i needs me some alone time....

2009-07-14T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm good at picking up and putting scraps of things together...sometimes pieces of energy together... it can be draining...it's the best high you've ever known... yet, it can go either way...
this precious life force we've been gifted, always full of deligh, surprise and challenging but needed change...when this pic was taken, i knew something was afoot and not quite right in my life, so i curled up like the Cheshire cat, disappeared... and when the dust settled..the changes changed...i saw clearly again... and smiled a Cheshire cat smile... or a phoenix song....

then after that, I put on these shoes and kicked some ass- oh wait, i can't really walk in stilettos, curses foiled again! so i wore my jackson 5/geoge clinton boots instead. but i covet these glorious example of a foot tortured into position not correct for human anatomy w/ the ability to hurt back.. that's art to me.

the sounds of silence...

2009-07-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

gotten plenty of messages re my perceived silence and M.J.-never assume, and try not to project.
- i have my own brother who passed less than a year ago to still process. i believe as sad as it is when a soul moves on it, its life force goes on... it is the people left behind who suffer....
i think M.J. and my own brother Roc Wolfgang Reeder are surfing silver waves of galaxy w/ a freedom they never had in their earthly personalities. i have addressed this in earlier blog btw...
and on that note-
"and the sign said, "the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls" and whispered in the sounds of silence...'-S&G

'say goodbye to hollywood', and my blog email..

2009-07-06T19:22:00.000-07:00

Vegas wax tiger woods gives no love...

well no, actually say hello to hollywood is n=more apt, but that titles an old billy joel song that a sitar playing weirdo stepdad i had would play when i was a kid...

which reminds me of a night in NYC, I was on my way to newish boyfriends house party.... hadn't been to his flat before & had left apt # home... per usual... pre cell phones for masses.. any way.. i stood in a 5th ave upscale hallway (had remembered correct floor), like Alice in wonderland-

door A- sounded like a huge mass of people all singing w/ boston accents to that billy joel song 'well, we will all go down together, steel mill /war' song with an amazing amount of commitment and sadness....
i'm not gonna lie... it scared me... i was like wow, i really misjudged this dudes idea of what a fun new years party might entail

door B- blasting Nirvana w/ usualy party ruckous... guessed correct and rang in oh...92 i think...
glad bands like Mr big were fading, grunge was in swing, and billy joel had been left in my childhood long ago.

also, i've gotten rid the blogspot email. Put a comments bar down on very bottom of main blog page where you can comment on entire site, or ask any questions...and i can comment back. love it if you'd recommend there sites you like, or find edifying.... xx true

ps i really do think vegas attracts a low level vibration of person.... to quote s. king again-
'the ground is sour'.. i wish more Americans would really travel... abroad... and not accept 'the Paris' casino as a substitute for the real deal....

i will now think of the sunsets on Fira, Santorini, greece, and how nothing in Vegas can touch that image sealed in my soul...
btw-had 1 drink and spent a whooping 5 bucks in slots in 4 days... yes i do feel pretty smug about that, i'm convinved i shall not be back unless another friend is honoured... and then only maybe.
soooooooo glad to be home if only for moment.....x true

infinity in wax

2009-06-29T01:08:00.000-07:00

so many things in the last few days... have rippled the vibration of the planet.... what's next?
well Vegas for me for one thing... i kind of not so secretly hate Las Vegas..en masse it attracts a certain type of base level human roach is best way i can describe my vibe on it... a friends being honored w/ a wax statue, so a) i know it'll be air conditioned and b) i abhor gambling... i'll waste money on clothes etc, least you get to upwrap it, let down or no... more often than not, gamblers look so sad to me...
snippet overheard last time in vegas 'so i was gonna kill mysef...

Naacp Event, the future, and semantics

2009-06-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

Eric LaSalle, me, Duane Martin from recent Naacp event... totally neat.

i look like what i imagine a wax statue of me would...
not bad,just somehow not in THE or that moment... or maybe i was just freaking out inside knowing i was the auctioneer, i prefer 'donation mistress' btw, for the night.
hard but fun to ad lib jokes on your own and sell but not sell, 'donate time of' colored people, i mean people of color, i mean, opps, my semantics slip is showing again
⇓
see, secretly, would love to see them switch the c & p
becoming advancement (of) people of color
it's just semantics on my part, but somehow the latter seems more proggressive.
i really dig work they do, i guess just trying to think of little ways to show
a new generation, raised in America, that this organization was
started by both my people- blacks and jews in a church,
now church not as much my thing,tho rest assured i'm spiritual...
amazing we all haven't banded together more smoothly,
Baby steps.. gonna take Baby steps....
i said to that to my friend who was upset at Obama re gay issues
as well as
our country is a quilt made of blood
and sweat of those who stood before..
Baby steps..
people of all colors, across globe are in need.
the above statement is not endorsed by anyone but me, to be clear!

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets... or oy, cleaning...

2009-06-20T13:02:00.001-07:00

problems of the bougie... i have too much stuff...i've all ways been a collector, father was antique dealer for a while.. but- too much is too much.

too many clothes, shoes, chotchki's- (why are they called chotchka's on west coast btw?) so cleaning out inch by inch feels good... i'm not lazy when inspired, but folding up clothes i may or not fit in to ant any given moment is boooooorinnngggg.... and deciding what to donate is hard when you need at least 2 sizes of your fav's... i know i'm lucky to live in america, land of abundance... but it's always nature and the simple moments and memories i think of when calling happiness towards me... not witchypoo prada shoes w/ label still on bottom....
but for the record.. 70% of clothes/shoes are from tv or film stuff. always put it in your contract! x true

quick note...

2009-06-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Hey, blue meany haters leaving shitty web comments to me, have a great day!

i wanna start w/ few things every woman should have in no order of importance-
1) A cordless drill w/ a keyless chuck
2) A fire extinquisher
3) hot chocolate, so when you crave sweets you have a cup o cocoa instead and save 900 calories... and trip to deli.
4) a past heartache so you appreciate and recognize real thing...
5) flashlight that works
6) great love... for another, for life, for yourself.

Now on to the real business at hand- i wanted to do a follow up to the 'too solid flesh blog' but got kinda thrown off by the comments.....

i'm really happy to say most people, and especially woman 'got it' and i appreciate that.. the comments of encouragement re setting goals are great... i just got some MBT walking shoes, make you walk 'properly', and stand up straight....which for me is a good thing. kinda look like 1950's orthodec shoes, but i don't care, my poor lil feet need the help! the shoes also make you work the back of thigh muscle and glutes, so here's hoping my 1/2 jewish ass remembers it's got some black dna coding in there somewhere.

i was disappointed by 'you're begging for attention or validation' comments from people (mainly men) who obviously only looked at the picture....there was nothing you wouldn't see on a beach, or in a tv commercial.
does a womans body and innate sexuality scare you boys that much???? c'mon if i was that girl i'd be friending you on myspace w/ an ass shot as avatar..and apparently you'd like that.
if you've landed on blog.... chances are you may not know me, but i think can discern my sensibilites....

And to those who drink their haterade and leave weird mean spirited comments you would never have the cojones to say to a stranger to their face- save for myspace- and you keep hiding on the net- it's a good place for you....clearly the real world might be too much.... but get off my page.. vampires can't enter w/o invite..... everybody knows that, duh!

i was an auctioneer!

2009-06-17T01:44:00.000-07:00

totally just 'sold'humans at Naacp charity auction honoring Chairman Julian Bond....-started off by saying- i'm not gonna use word auction, cause there's humans involved...was all in very good fun, for charity, also added- 'think of this as the week on NPR, kcrw, when you DONATE to support, and i'm your Ira Glass... was held at jude mathis house.. 1 word people, plastics. no, actually syndication.
jusge mathis went from gang kid, to youngest judge in his area, to world known tv show... that's chutzpah. last time i attended party at his house the LA Mayor flew in party on helicopter... syndication, y'all. totally regret not grabbing lunch w/ Mr Julian Bond, bid, i mean donation, was high but could/should have! argh #failtotalktolegendoverlunch

ps.. faceless sam- those pics of kids are unbelievably beautiful, and sad since the day you put your dog down...

I am she as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

2009-06-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

proof i am me.... i put this up because online sites have fakes, and need verification... not cause i like spouting off urls...

clumsy and kissy

2009-06-13T14:20:00.000-07:00

lots of people ask, who sang theme song to H&H- Melonie Daniels did,not me!!!! lots of people still ask about H&H, and tho we were a family, it's been done long enough for me to go..oh, was that me?!.... i def keep in touch w/ lot's of people from H&H!
um, so here's a montage of some H&H and old movie clips that 'was' me, or more correctly me playing other people, at one time or another...i call this mash up
'clumsy and kissy'
has some fun clips from a gregg araki movie,Nowhere, not porn btw....
funny for me to see old clips...it's so far from here...in this moment today, working on indie film projects the same, also making my own documentary, feeling life for real, w/o the safety net of dialogue written, and character to cloak myself in....I ♥ you Mona tho!!!
...well until the 4pm syndi episode... which i've never watched btw.... xxRT
oh forgot to add 2nd song is by supreme beings of leisure-never the same girl. it's on my music player that you should shut off before watching video btw. True

what if you could fly

2009-06-13T00:48:00.000-07:00

still looking at clouds from both sides....

behind scenes ay H&H video

2009-06-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

really grainy old old footage from behind the scenes 1st year on Half& Half. thank for all the comments, emails etc that you were disappointed when it ended. one word-Chase. xx true

to shut off auto music player

2009-06-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

go to music player, 2nd down on left panel and press play/pause... that way you can watch videos w/ no extra bg music. same deal to start player again.. press play/pause button. some of you have said it 'covers' the page... d you mean it's not in its box and covering blog? or that the music is always in?

i checked blog on iphone and looked fine.. could be an IE pc issue? i use safari or foxfire...

ohhh, this too too solid flesh...

2009-06-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

this is me last summer...
i'm posting it because i need the motivation...to stop eating crap! i know i'll never be a waif, but this smaller curvy size suits me better than where my body is and naturally likes to hover.. got some working out to gets on...do so miss my private yoga classes, (cue bougie worlds smallest violin)
is it silly to still wanna look your best, even tho ones over the age America deems valuable, which is like 25 or so.... i don't think so...the french woman wear life well... and for me i guess, as an actor the body is the instrument...
and along my journey there's plenty of jobs my ass has legitimately been too big for the ideal...blame lies some where between my own self sabotage & oprah style eating, as much as Hollywoods desire for women to have bodies of teen boy... but i guess we should leave that topic for another time, don't you think? x RT ps that's what real boobs look like LA dudes...

love it....

2009-06-07T01:29:00.000-07:00

Henna bridal hands are gorgeous...

so many people, so many choices. big girls must make...

here comes the sun.... the son and heir.. of everything in particular.

2009-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes... it's just a paradigm shift... an epiphany... a new opening...a new life...
thoughts, the moon rocks of the desert,friends, nothing, everything, anything i want....

hmmmnnn..

2009-06-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

i've realized my last few dates have talked ad nauseum re their old girlfriends.... at first i thought i was a lesson for me to deal w/ jealousy.. at 1st, by that i mean 15 mins ish, it probably was/is. i mean jealousy is base. unneeded ancient wiring, if you have trust you're golden....i believe it's true, because i've experienced it, that if a guys into you, he'll move galaxies to please you... to be near you.

Now i realize these new talky dudes are just kinda lame and lacking in social graces... think they are trying to impress me w/ who they dated etc...the dialogue wasn't about their own patterns.. it was 'so and so did this f'd up thing to me', or 'so and so likes that too'... kinda a convo ender.

it's never been my MO to talk of specific people, rather maybe patterns i've had in relationships if it came up...at appropriate times.
almost each of my ex's held their own, and presently aren't in the room so why talk about them...
in summation- dudes... i could give 2 flying fucks that you & old GF liked to get pinkberry before watching a video... seriously, go away and grab a pinkberry w/ whats er name.
signed, bored w/ average guys.

some days... some days... i feel like a squashed fairie...

2009-06-03T00:09:00.000-07:00

ps- i really want this dress from last season. anyone over theirs and would like to give it to me?

insomnia and Salome if she was a tween in 1997

2009-06-02T02:55:00.000-07:00

'Bring me the head of john the baptist on a platter.. or scary spice, either will do... you said anything if i did my veil shtick...'- salome
i think Oscar Wilde would feel me on this....

things I'm working on...

2009-06-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

so i make collages, this is kinda like a collage, of a few thoughts roaming round....
what do you wanna change re yourself? and what do you like about yourself....

adventures in babysitting Fynn

2009-05-29T02:05:00.000-07:00

then i taught him the African Xhosa clicking language, we planted sun fower seeds, drank a 40, and then... i actually really did feed him some (precooked) chicken nuggets his mom left...later she told me i was supposed to nuke them 1st...who knew?
i give it up to you parents, love the kids, want one ... someday.

shatter ( song songs player as well, btw)

2009-05-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

Shatter lyrics by Liz Phair from Exile in Guyville
I know that I don't always realize
How sleazy it is messing with these guys
But something about just being with you
Slapped me right in the face, nearly broke me in two
It's a mark I've taken heart
And I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time
I don't know if I could drive a car
Fast enough to get to where you are
Or wild enough not to miss the boat completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
I don't know if I could fly a plane
Well enough to tail spin out your name
Or high enough to lose control completely
Honey, I'm thinking maybe
You know, just maybe
Maybe

a tweet from yesterday...
i admit cloaked in safety of night... i think of thee, and lessons learned.
funny thing is, it's not about the one who assumes/just knows it's about him... or the one who wants, or one who doesn't want it to be about them... it's the unassuming kayzer souze in younger days who slipped by, that's who's scent i catch occasionally...
one more cup of coffee for the road w/ dylan and off i go....

love twitter- it's prob good you must be brief.... x True

swine flu '09 tour 2 versions

2009-05-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

holiday in mexico!
w/ great group of camera shy people,(film critics, writers, pr peeps etc..) so despite how it looks, laura siverman and i did not vacation alone... we're just 2 actors willing to make fools of ourselves on camera...

Longer version, even kathy griffin in her fab bikini body...
also the fabulously talented and funny writer Margy wants it mde clear she was working while on holiday, had a super good time, which it might not look like as i stuck a camera in her face at all the wrong times....thanks fab mexico travel buddies!

let's talk about this feaky ass bug....

2009-05-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

size frame of reference photo...

humanoid eyes... clearly an ancient space traveler who's ship was destroyed...

trapped in a glass...by me, for m,e to photo...then set merrily free...to go do freaky giant hasshper leaf stuff...

oy my aching ego....

2009-05-25T12:52:00.000-07:00

ok- i'm having one of those horrible weird gossipy childhood flashbacks i hadn't thought of in years... (this is door to pad we stayed at on holiday, think i put it up just to be a brat! spank me now. No not you...the karma monkey)

short story (i'll try) during the regents exams at the all white school i attended (east coast college boards) i scored a perfect 100 on the english (as well as attaining to that point the highest SAT scores the school had ever seen- alas upstate ny... i'm smart but jeez... no wonder i begged my parents to send me to Simons Rock....)

ok so i see on FB today the girl who they lowered my score for... so she could get the ROTC scholarship that was linked w/ highest regents scores...my grade suddenly went from 100 to not 100... and i lost out on , well thank god not ROTC money, but other grants i needed..... boiling mad i was at the time.... and all these years later i felt..

cheated again? Angry? Sad? an old wound... shame spiral...
it's victimy to remain in a space of sorrow or shame for life, when so much good is all around.
i think the victim lurks in a lot of us... its' how we understand it and move w/ it ...i see it mirrored back, lessons everywhere. even in ROTC. because that poor girl, kinda knew, but that was her way out of a shitty little upstate NY town... and nobody expected me to put the locals to shame and that is why i got a telly show and movies, no really- because i knew if i didn't make it happen on my own and not crumble when i didn't get way i had a shot ps..... and more to the point, my hurt is not at ROTC or her, it'a about me feeling not taken care of by the establishment, but that's a great lesson for a mixed chick to learn young...

Now I feel a weird affection and appreciation for that memory... because it's those nicks and brusies and toughen us up, and prepare us for the world we live in...

but the beyotch better not friend me, s'all i'm saying, G.
Shit-
isn't the point to realize when you've projected feelings on to another human being, or event.. and lets face it was her cosmic path was to get that scholarship.... and have her dad be mayor... oopss, there i go again. stop me-
it's about releasing and shifting the hold the our minds use to protect us, it worked as kids , not so much as an adult....fell pain we felt... and release it. so it doesn't turn into disease....

i remember years ago saying, out frigging loud, like, a lot, 'i release you fear, i know you've served me, but i'm pretty sure some one somewhere needs this flight or flight sensation to actually stay alive... but it's not me... it' never really was, but you came in handy... so thanks and bye...' w/ respect though.

why do we focus on the negs, when the garden, occasionally grey, is alive with joy....

truth in advertising

2009-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

people have seen these pics for awhile.... but i wanted to show it wasn't always zen fearlessness.... i mean they're friggin wild friggin lions for christ sake.... but i like that because i'm an actor i know how to occasionally put aside fear and just perform, as witnessed from pic 1 to pic 2.... some call it disassociating, i call it my career.... my fantastic guide Henri had same lil powershot point n shot as me, and took great pics, i thank him kindly. ps green thing in my pocket was passport so if anything happened they could at least identify me body.... and had i known he'd be adept w/ camera i would of like, done my hair and maybe slapped some gloss on...

um, i'm totally freaked...

Smile for the camera, you know i love ya better...

fought my way outta this one...

2009-05-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

singing a lorelie sirens song for you makes me brown eyes blue.

peaceful warrior

2009-05-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

I like this pic, it's the my face from a nude, i'm not ashamed to put complete pic up, the body is to be celebrated... but why just for the sake of it... in it's original context.. or if the photog, Lucy Lui wanted to show it, i'd be proud. i remember hating my body so much when this pic was taken..and yet i don't look uncomfortable... wish i'd seen/felt it's power then... it's a great reminder of 'don't it's always seems to go, you don't know what you got till it's gone...., luckily not too far gone! x

holiday does a body good....

2009-05-16T23:26:00.001-07:00

more to come on mexicoco.... need time to ruminate on it...

tres nondemominal angels, that greet guest at house we stayed at...

It's clouds illusions i recall... i really don't see clouds, at all....

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living every day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all-

both sides now, baez and joni are just thee bee's knees on this song

i am wondering when i will feel like a grown up....

2009-05-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

the 1st pic is from last fall...

because i still just feel like me... which i dig, cause me's alright by me... i guess i thought it would feel... i don't know...know i've grown when i look at my past.. maybe that's what feeling like a grownup is... being able to accept ones self, flaws and all... and not feel defensive when those flaws are pointed out or rear up like a chimera of the past....old habits are certainly ingrained, but i dig new ways of thinking and creating life, not just the life reported on the news... like if i hear 'in these troubled times' one more time on the news...

visit from Mr. Wilde, who'll be beaming down shortly it's said, will do nicely, he brings out the best in me. Mr. Kafka is out 1 guest room.

oh how much i've changed btw... not that i mind... a friend of my dads took this... so i was grown, but some how uncle bruce brought out the girl in the would be woman...

so, not to be macabre or anything..

2009-05-07T23:39:00.000-07:00

i've always been fascinated by the song 'don't fear the reaper', yes, sure it's the cowbell... but it's just so perfectly grandiose and of the time... totally into the decade old at leas, Gus Gus cover version...

they used this version as my friends theme song in movie and i was jelly till i realized i've had rad theme songs in a movies, but they put it in, in post, so it's not like you know it's your theme till your watching the movie w/ everyone else... i mean you're not playing the scene with the music on while filming... but yeah, i digress...

point is it's on my player.. and it's gorgeously morose...i'm a sucker for rock and strings. it's very well done, and unless you can take a classic and make it yours why bother. that's why i hate american idol. except for clarkeson. and i hate the soprano sax .yes really. and yes, kenny g must pay.

tonights mumbo jumbo spanish style
as lunas inquieto, esta noche me dan la paz. esta noche duermo un ojo abierto un cerrar de ojos, apartarse de la atracción luminosa.

translation- moons restless, night give me peace. tonight i sleep with one eye open, one eye shut, turning away from the luminous pull.

to live and die in LA

2009-05-07T15:53:00.001-07:00

shop window across the street from theatre i was at last night. these chicks shoulda come to gig and chilled- guitar and cello music will soothe the soul.
there's something about this pic that's soooo 80's eh?

This town is our town, It is so glamorous, Bet you'd live here if you could And be one of us- the Go Go's

the dead father

2009-05-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

somethings, some expressions, you can't take back, or change...

i was on telly with my dad, who (big surprise) had a verbosely intellectual patois mixed w/ ragey anger that eventually took him out.

i was feeling judged at this moment, why i snapped it. despite his genius IQ and fair to questionable advice/lecture, and love the man could drive you nuts.

he's gone now, and sometimes i still think, oh let me call dad so i can... then i remember, no phone required... just thought waves to the universe now...

this will so not become my death blog, btw... but these are the things that have been going on... and y'know how it rolls....me and my family knew he had @ 5 months left or so-ish at this point.... so, it's frustration at his dominating patriarchol old school dialogue, but sadness that those parry/spar days were numbered....

mumbo jumbo tweets of la luna

2009-05-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

me va a golpear en la cabeza, que se encuentra el sueño de mí, para que pueda saludar mañana con la confianza de un ave fénix

-going to hit myself in head, let sleep find me, so i may greet tomorrow with the confidence of a phoenix- (much prettier in espanol!)

la luna está casi lleno, deseo de dormir, como todas las buenas niñas .. se aullido a la luna y las estrellas de la copa de esta noche

-the moon is almost full, i wish for sleep, like all the good girls do..i will howl at the moon and drink from the stars tonight

la luna se está haciendo a mí pensar. la luna está llorando un poco.

-moon is getting to me tonight, think the moon is crying a little

Rachel against the machine

2009-05-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

from twitter @mattcherry read this urban legend about the website www.niggabook.com that me & @RachelTrue shut down today http://bit.ly/zOTny word

heres the deal, a link niggabook.com had it's url pointing to fb.... why would you type that? you wouldn't till someone tells you it exists.some teets on twitter were like- don't give it attwntion, don't attract it, haven't u seen the secret'.... totally valid.... i wrote back, my methods are for me, and i celebrate the freedom we have to approach things diffrently, and i'd never assume others would should subscribe to them.

that said, 2 phone calls, between me and @mattcherry on twitter... and url was unlinked from Facebook by godaddy... problem solved. by picking up the phone.... not terribly revolutionary, just a tiny effort and ability to deal w/ bad hold music required...
i know i have a big mouth, i'm glad i back it up....

brideshead revisted style

2009-05-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

when i was a kid i thought i'd get a baby and/or teddybear and name it Aloysius... now i feel light and indifferent...
i think it's important to enjoy the life one has, and not take to much time mourning the life you wanted, dreamed, even had for a moment...
sometimes i really do sit back and thank the universe for my life as is.
i ♥ the Ram Dass book
Be Here Now..

Don't think about all those things you fear...
just be glad to be here..... xx